Why Is It Worse Now?

[Deleted member 1860]

Healing isn't linear, or even always forward for that matter. I went through processing in a special trauma program, and when I came out, I was much better overall, but my hypervigilance was through the roof (as in, screaming when I didn't hear someone coming, and I'd never been this bad before), and I developed a new symptom of sudden onset headaches when triggered. The hypervigilance has gotten a bit better, but the sudden onset headaches have pretty much been here to stay.

I know it seems like we should always be getting better in that symptoms should lessen when something good happens, but unfortunately, that's not always the case.

 

[desiderata310]

I see. I guess it makes sense @Solara . I was not prepared for this past weekend or yesterday: the anxiety won't go away no matter what I try.

I had kind of a rough night, waking up kicking and crying several times and when my son came in the room in the middle of the night for something I thought/hoped it morning already. The evening went downhill from there. This morning, I can still tell that I have an anti anxiety med on board but there's that ...underlying uneasy feeling in my chest and I'm more aware of every noise and feel the need to hide/investigate- never mind the fact that I've been awake since almost 4 am. I'm debating staying home today but I have so much to do and I basically missed work yesterday since I was so worthless and left early.

I guess my therapist and I BOTH thought it was just going to be better after the court date.
He finally did get my text and email and responded that it would get better and he was glad I going home to take care of myself. (I don't take the Ativan unless it's REALLY bad)

I keep telling myself it's just a few more hours till my appointment- only seven more hours (I'm late in the evening) but I realize that going to see my therapist doesn't REALLY amount to a hill of beans. OK, he gets to see me stressed and hear why. Doesn't really change anything. At the end of it, I still have to muck about in this condition and pull myself back to normal. Seeing the therapist isn't a magical cure all. I have to guard against thinking he's going to be my salvation. He's not. He's more or less just someone who has the unfortunate task of trying to show me a better way of dealing with the hell and he has no real vested interest in me other than that of a client. At the end of it all, I don't matter to him or anyone.

Days like yesterday it just doesn't seem it's possible to get myself back to normal and I don't think I have it as bad as most. On the whole, I don't think anyone is really aware of what's going on in my head outside of my therapist. I know that the people standing in my door way, the woman I wanted to scream at for standing in front of me for so long- none of them had a clue. I pushed back from my desk, made more room, tried to focus on breathing and still smile pleasantly and listen and respond to them all the while, holding on the edge of my chair as hard as I could, trying to remember that these people aren't going to hurt me and it wasn't doing any good.

I have to be at work in an hour. No Ativan(It literally knocks me out) but in this extreme situation I am thinking about taking a bit of the medical MJ (it DOES help a tiny bit but I don't like going to work "chemically enhanced" because of the possibility of having to work physically and putting someone in danger). It'll be harder to concentrate in some ways but I think it might be better than what happened yesterday. I've GOT to get some work done today. I have so many deadlines looming.

No pressure. Right?

 

[ghotiff]

I guess my therapist and I BOTH thought it was just going to be better after the court date

I'm not concentrating well at the moment (so haven't read every post properly)....but...often the moment calm occurs, the body relaxes and the residual problems appear.

I'm hoping that is helpful. Be kind to yourself.

 

[desiderata310]

I wrote my therapist an email this morning apologizing for my behavior yesterday. I feel like such an idiot:
I WROTE: "I have to quit thinking you are the magical touch stone, cure all, or thinking that I need to wait for you to tell me or give me permission to take care of myself. I was having trouble pulling the trigger on giving up yesterday. Sorry I'm such an idiot.

I'm still a bit... sedate from the Ativan and I'm taking some MJ to hopeful get through the day (Ativan resulted in a long unplanned nap on the couch that worried my son)

Have so much to try to get done today and I need to be in a good place so I can concentrate. Right now, I'm not holding out much hope for that.

Sorry again."

HE responded almost immediately:
"I'm certainly not magic but I am a touch stone of sorts - and that's perfectly ok with me.

Let's see what we can sort out this afternoon"


Ok.. so "magical" was probably the wrong thing to write there. I don't think of it as magical per se, but dependence. 'I'll bug my therapist! He'll know what to do!"
I'm such a moron. I shouldn't have written to him at all. Not even yesterday. I'm driving this person crazy with my issues. I Should just call up and cancel my appointment.

I just want to cry. Why do I feel so freaking overwhelmed?

 

[StellaBlue]

@desiderata310 ... I don't know you, but I can feel your pain right now and I can empathize with all of the critical self-talk you are doing right now. When I get in that place, I definately start thinking "idiot", "moron", "stupid".

But...

Those may be old tapes playing. From what you've written, it sounds like your therapist does care and is willing to be a touch stone. It is so very sad that none of us can be magically cured by someone else. It sucks that it's hard work and that it spirals around and around, not in a straight line (as Solara pointed out). And it sucks that the relationship with a therapist is so....weird.

Again, I don't know you and I don't know your story...but...if at all possible, can you let him be a touch stone (I love the words touch stone)? For me, it helps to have someone who is rock steady when I start spiraling off, even if I have to pay him to be that. Can you consider doing that as a gift to yourself?

 

[desiderata310]

Never been good at depending on other people. *rolls eyes*
The idea of being dependent on a therapist makes me... ill.disappointed in myself. It's not that I think ill of others for doing it. I get it but I can't do that for me.

 

[ghotiff]

Never been good at depending on other people

Would trying to re-frame it from 'depending' to 'allowing someone to help' be beneficial.

For example, if I'm juggling a number of things in my hands and someone notices and holds the door open for me... I am allowing them to help me. I'm not dependant on them opening the door and I can do it myself. But, in that moment, it is so helpful for them to hold the door and one day (when I'm not carrying so much stuff) I will hold the door for them.