Why Me? This Is Never Going To Get Better. I Want To Let Go.

[Audreeeey]

Why am I forced to suffer this horrible pain, anxiety, hopelessness and sadness? I am getting too tired of fighting this battle. Just when I think I've been strong and made progress, it hits me again even worse. I am starting to think this will never go away no matter how much I fight. 6 years of going through this is too much, and every treatment seems to be laughing in my face telling me that I'll never have a normal life or be happy again. I don't understand why this has to happen to me. I have never done any harm to anybody, all I want to do is be as friendly and compassionate as I can towards anybody. Why is my heart it the right place but my head is disappearing into a dark storm cloud.

I really want to die. I have so many things important like my family, friends, and boyfriend, but I don't know if any of that is worth it compared to this excruciating life. I don't live, I just exist. I'm starting to lose all hope that I will ever be happy again, ever have fun again, ever be productive again. I'm so alone and terrified of this pain that goes throughout my entire body and soul. Why, why, why did it happen to me? Why??

 

[The Albatross]

At some point the rubber hits the road and you get out of your head and on with living your life. For me it started with being appreciative of what I did have and focusing a bit more on that. I also had to deal with my depressive aspect before I could make some genuine progress.

 

[intothelight]

Audreeeey,

You asks the question, that all of us ask, but few of us ever find an answer to. There are reasons that someone or something may have happened, but many times the answer is "it just did". We don't choose who we are born to, nor do we choose a lot of what life sends our way. At sometime there has to be acceptance of unanswered questions.

The hard truth is that we as human beings do only have control over ourselves. Perhaps that is one of the hardest aspects of PTSD is the feeling that we have lost control over our thoughts, emotions, actions, etc. But in reality, a person can take back the control, it will take a lot of work, but it can be done.

We never may never be the same as we were before, but no one remains the same as life, age, experience, etc. all produce changes in people. But as you work on healing, there are many things that become positives and you may even find yourself liking yourself far better than you even did before.

Alba has some good advice. Focus on what is good in your life and focus on what is good about you. Grab a hold of that one thing and then build upon it daily. For most PTSD suffers, it took many years to damage the thinking process, and it takes time to change it back to a healthy process.

Just don't give up hope and be compassionate to yourself.

 

[heidi]

I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I don't really know what to say because I can relate.

I almost came to write something similar. I did get a little less depressed recently. It made me realize how bad that extra ingredient of depression was making things. It seems like it at least makes the days that are not as effected by PTSD better. Mine improved because I got off a drug that was contributing to it. I'm not sure how to otherwise improve depression but I wonder if there is some way to target it.

 

[Ayasha]

I think I've screamed this in my mind so many times I get exhausted just thinking about it. I understand exactly what you mean, Audreeeey, I do. And I am so sorry you are going through so much pain.

I've been on the edge of that horrible cliff, feeling depressed and alone and wondering if it will ever get better. I still go through it at times, but each time it gets a little easier. That I can promise, it DOES get better. It's horrible and frustrating to go through this and no one deserves it, especially not someone who seems to be so nice and caring.

Even if you don't want to believe me when I say this, I know you are strong enough to make it through this because you've already been strong enough to express your pain here. I know you can make it through this, and you have the forum and your family, friends, and boyfriend to help support you. You are not alone.