why suffers of PSTD retraumatize themself ?

[Givrali]

I have trouble since as long I can remember with this symptom. I keep go on place that trigger my own trauma. Even now I know I'm juste hurting myself by listening and reading about some topics, I just can stop doing it. Why is this so difficult to not traumatize myself again and again ?
I already talked about with my T but I have so much to deal with I rarely have time to talk about it with her.

 

[arfie]

don't accuse me of experting, but i believe it is part of my healing instincts. i go with the name, "exposure therapy" for this particular psychotick. early into my healing journey, my misguided attempts to do it all myself led to unnecessary additional trauma. i learned to lean heavily on my therapy support network for the process. my therapy peers have been my most reliable assistants. the pros are chock full of good info, such as exposure therapy, but they seldom leave the library. my peers are more often willing to have my back in the trenches when i have to actually execute the exposure therapy. my head is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone. i take a travel buddy whenever possible.

 

[Roland]

I don't think it's really a bad thing, but it has to be kept in balance. Like only looking at triggering content in manageable doses and taking a break after/self care, etc. Then it's a form of therapy instead of really traumatizing yourself.

 

[enough]

Here goes….. “cold” triggers like tv enactments of accident scenes repel me, I cant do it, I leave the room or turn it off. Real life “hot”scenes where my personal damage really happened? There is a strong pull to be there. Of course I am not rolling up on scenes as a civilian without a reason to be there, so I keep moving and choke on adrenaline for awhile instead.
Makes no sense. I know small cold doses of the triggering reenactments are not to be indulged in, but the hot immersion is an overwhelming trigger it sometimes physically hurts to avoid. Maybe seeing an accident or a medical emergency sets me up for lots and lots of bad memories? Maybe, but it sure feels like the hard part is calmly moving on and trying not to feel like I should have done as much as I could until someone chased me away. It makes me crazy.

 

[Friday]

Stubbornness? Determination? Intuition? Seriously badass survival instincts?

 

[Calmdown]

I questioned myself so much (and still do) that it lead to going full into triggers to prove to myself that I am exaggerating, just to get overwhelmed and feel like crap again, as if being well was suspicious (if I am in a state of feeling well I have a hard time to understand states that are completly broken). And then the next thought comes "If I am going into it myself I am not traumatized because someone who is traumatized would avoid the topic".
There can be several reasons for people doing it. Maybe the topic "wants" to get solved, or it has to do with control etc. for some it might be self harm. As I see it there are different parts of a personality with different priorities.

 

[OutsideHumanity]

some do it on purpose because they dont feel at home, comfortable or safe anywhere else and are scared of healing, some do it bc of self-injurous intent, some see themselves trapped in a cycle and have no hope of becoming unstuck... there are a lot of reasons why people retraumatize themselves or trigger themselves on purpose.

 

[ellzeena]

I have trouble since as long I can remember with this symptom. I keep go on place that trigger my own trauma. Even now I know I'm juste hurting myself by listening and reading about some topics, I just can stop doing it. Why is this so difficult to not traumatize myself again and again ?
I already talked about with my T but I have so much to deal with I rarely have time to talk about it with her.

This is complex PTSD, it's part of the profile I think. I think we all do it to some extent. I avoid content that will remind me of the experience that put me over the edge of "normal" into this PTSD horror but I can't avoid my brain. It has a "mind of its own", doesn't it. And it never stops. Sometimes, I find myself deliberately evoking memories that are 100% going to cause me grief and great sorrow. I never used to be this way. I remember back into my entire lifetime actually living in the "moment", the day of, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I can't do that now. That is part of the definition of complex PTSD. If there were any way to avoid poisoning the present with non stop intrusive memories and thoughts, we wouldn't have a problem.

You say you have so much other stuff to deal with that talking to the therapist about this is difficult but, honestly, this particular problem IS the reason we need therapy. Whatever isn't immediate to our lives that causes us suffering and prevents us from experiencing the present day for itself IS the problem. Could it be you're deliberately avoiding the discussion, without really intending to do so? Make it a point to make THIS a point in your future sessions.

 

[Roland]

I grew up with an abusive dad and I was perpetually constipated or had diarrhea. It was so normal for me. Used to throw up on occasion too, purely stress induced. Crazy, about a year after I moved out, I started pooping regularly every day or every other day, easy normal stool. No more vomiting. Though even now if I get stressed, my digestive system will alert me sooner than other symptoms, that and my skin. I have some acne, not much, but it will flare up and I have eczema all over my scalp and it was get red and itchy when I'm stressed. Where normal it's really just flaky and a little itchy.

 

[Givrali]

You say you have so much other stuff to deal with that talking to the therapist about this is difficult but, honestly, this particular problem IS the reason we need therapy. Whatever isn't immediate to our lives that causes us suffering and prevents us from experiencing the present day for itself IS the problem. Could it be you're deliberately avoiding the discussion, without really intending to do so? Make it a point to make THIS a point in your future sessions.

I have a very low emotionnal regulation. So any everyday thing can and will trigger me and in the time of one week I got by 3 to 7 hight emotionnal problems that I completly unable to deal with alone. My friends help a lot but never as good as my therapist and since I'm 24/7 dissociated I tend to realise I'm struggling with hight emotions when I'm already lashing out somehow, including by reading things I shouldn't. Also realizing that it actually is self-harm is a weeks matter of time discovery not years or months. Altrought I still think some of this exposure actually beneficie me.

The main things I do in therapy, except realizing what actually happened last week, is emdr which is very important to make a priority for other health issues.
Being able to do Emdr is taking me to collect my bravery for a good half of the appointment.

In addition, feeling awful feels home to me who didn't ever remember peace and safety. So if I'm feeling too good I could just make me feel terrible on purpose because awful is like normal feels like for me

 

[parrotthepolly]

I just realised I do this a lot more I admit, mostly through not getting treatment and it's mostly because with CPTSD from childhood trauma, the sufferer doesn't know any feelings besides what they were made to feel growing up and it would be out of their comfort zone to move on or make a change so it continues the vicious circle. Do not recommend.

 

[Friday]

the sufferer doesn't know any feelings besides what they were made to feel growing up and it would be out of their comfort zone to move on or make a change so it continues the vicious circle.

Wanna reeeeeally bake your noodle? People with golden childhoods, and PTSD in their adult lives, do. the. exact. same. thing. <<< One can feel EVERYTHING as a child -all the joy, & glory & love & security; all the heartbreak, and doubt, and disaster, and questioning; and everything in between; raised into a fully functional, highly faceted, incredible adult- hit trauma later in life, & blank slate it. With only what they felt during their trauma history, as available feelings.

Because trauma & PTSD? Does that.

Hard times? REFINE.

Down to base elements. Regardless of when they happen. Although if it happens in childhood it can ALSO put seriously heavy personality disorders on the table, instead of jjust middling/transitory/reactive disorders, like PTSD. Or have no effect, or virtually no effect, whatsoever.