Why Won't She Just Back Off?

[ZeroPTSD]

Today my wife is riding my ass about a million things and I just can't take it. I am already in a hypervigilant mode, defensive, sleepless and stressed feel bad about the things that I just can't seem to get done. Everyday things are my nemesis, take out the trash, check the mail, look for a job, do this, do that it all feels like superficial bullsh*t and totally unimportant when it is this time of year and the nightmares are back.

I keep telling her that she is crossing the line. I am really being clear in communicating with her and yet she just won't back off. I feel like I can't breathe, she keeps pressing me and I have told her again and again what that does to someone with PTSD. But she can't seem to separate it from me (not that I can either). Why can't she just respect my space and back off? Then I would be able to get more done! She is stressed herself and I get that but by continually pressuring me she is failing me, especially when I have told her time and time again.

I don't know what to do about this? It seems to keep coming up and she is not changing her behavior it is just feeding into a bad cycle here even though I have told her that is exactly what she is doing.

 

[helena]

Hi Zero,

Read your introduction and your post tonight.

I'm glad you have somewhere to vent your frustrations - as a carer of someone with combat ptsd I know I make the same mistakes as your wife does.

Your post helped me to understand what it must feel like for my SO struggling to cope.

I am sure you will find a lot of support from this site from ptsd sufferers as well as, maybe, some carers who perhaps can give you some insight into why we do the things we do - often badly I guess, but generally with the best of intentions.

I hope to see you around the site

Helena

 

[Fantabulous]

ZeroPTSD,

I'm sorry you are having a rough day! I don't know how you and your wife communicate, but did you tell her everything you said in your first paragraph? Sometimes I know that if people tell me that I am crossing the line, I don't really "grasp" that until they tell me what behaviors are crossing the line for them. Although, this advice may not work if you and your wife have already come to an agreement about how you will communicate to her that you are having a rough time and she needs to back off.

I do want to say thank you for posting. All of the posts I'm reading from the sufferers give me some insight as to what my friend (who is a sufferer) may be experiencing, especially since he's not at the point where he will verbalize specifics like that to me. It helps me, and I hope it helps you to have a place to vent here.

Fantabulous

 

[amethist]

Hi Zero

Maybe your wife could have a read of all the carer's information. It will help you both to live a calmer life if she could understand how others get through all the ups and downs.

If you rather she did not because you need your safe haven to vent, then find some information for her to read elsewhere on the Internet.

I hope you can find a way to help her see how hard it is for you.

We carers all make mistakes, it is a learning curve for us too.

Amethist

 

[2quilt]

I can speak to my husband and it goes in one ear and out the other. He is a visual person, so auditory commands are like hearing me speak Chinese to him. If i want to make him really hear what I have to say, I must email him or write him a letter.

I swear that I have written down the word for word information I have yelled at him, and he swears that I have never said those words to him in 15 years.

Once you get her to really listen to you, decide on a nonverbal sign that only the two of you understand that means Leave Me The Phuck Alone, NOW!

 

[Grainne]

Hi Zero,

I also read your intro post today - very well done, getting all that out. I have yet to tell my story here, but we all move at our own pace.

My husband had a very hard time dealing with my symptoms (as did I, truth be told) until we both started to educate ourselves about PTSD. The carers section of this form is a very interesting place for both of us. It gives him a place to turn for information and advice and gives me, as a sufferer, a chance to look into some aspects of his world, but from an outside perspective. Reading the carers posts almost always make me appreciate my husband even more than I already do.

Now, that's not to say he doesn't piss me off. lol. But, I do try to recognise that helplessness is a terrible feeling...as much for our partners as for us.

I maybe have it a bit easier because I have an autistic son. I know what it's like to look at someone you love with everything you've got, who is trapped in their own little world and can't get out. It's very hard to watch someone you love suffer when you feel like you can do nothing to help. My husband and I learned early that the best thing we could do for our son was love him, support him in the ways HE needs and take care of ourselves and each other through the worst times. We just focus on holding each other up when it gets really bad....and it brings us closer and closer together. My husband applies the same to me and my journey with PTSD...but, it is a learning curve, for sure.

Help you wife learn about PTSD (if she is willing) and maybe she won't feel like she is failing you anymore. I don't know...worked for me and my little boy. I thought I was the worst mother in the world for a while there...

Good luck to you both xo
Grainne

 

[Momma Kitty]

I deal with my stress by making a list and getting items marked off. I feel so good when things that need to be done are finished. The list helps me stay focused and organize priorities.

 

[onebravegirl]

Dear ZerpPTSD,
Just like you did not expect or know how to cope with your trauma, either has your wife. If you see her as an outsider and someone who cannot possibly understand what you are dealing with, the longer and harder it will be for her to understand your needs. Could it be that your wife is feeling very frightened for you and for her place in your life? Only you can answer that for yourself. Your PTSD will always feel more real to you than her but imagine if you can, if the situation were reversed. I know how hard it can be to think about other peoples emotional state when the PTSD symptoms can seem all consuming. But doing so can be a favour to yourself as well. By trying to focus even to a small degree about other peoples pain, your pain may feel more relatable to other people. PTSD has a tricky habit of convincing people that they are all alone in what they suffer. This forum properly recognizes that family are also suffering with the victims. Perhaps recommending this site as a forum for her would help alleviate some of the pressure you feel and help her gain a greater understanding of where you are at. It may also help the both of you to see that there is a way out of this in time. But by sharing this illness as something happening to the both of you,you hopefully will not feel as alone. That being the case though, you hopefully are getting some professional guidance as well. It wouldn't be fair to expect you wife to know how to act when she isn't someone who knows from professional or personal experience all that you are enduring.
Please remember that I am just looking through a window here and can only suggest what I have found helpful. I do not mean to hurt your feelings in anyway, I hope my insight helps even a tiny bit.
O

 

[Nicolette]

Hi ZeroPTSD. Anthony printed off the PDF in the linked thread [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=2296"]Important Understanding PTSD[/DLMURL] and gave it to me when I first met him. It might help your wife.

 

[This Ends Now]

Zero,

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now. I wanted to extend my support to you and your wife as well. I have similar trouble when my fiance gets on me about doing simple things during times of distress. I am starting to accept the fact that if it baffles me that I cannot finish the laundry it must be even more confusing and frustrating for him. Still drives us both crazy though. We have found some ways of slowing down and remembering that we are both trying the best we can. One thing I have found helpful is to remind my fiance that for me writing is work because it helps (almost) as much as going to a therapist and spending a bunch of money. Working out your trauma is work and the more you do it the less you will have to do it. I wish you and your wife the best.

Liz H.

 

[This Ends Now]

One More Thing

Zero,

I did not think of this until I walked away from my computer for a minute. My fiance and I have figured out that I have some "tells" when I am starting to get triggered or having a flash back or having trouble staying in the present. For example: If I start wringing my hands and doing my makeup over and over then he knows that I am having a very hard time staying in the present. If I start to take a defensive martial arts stance then somewhere in my mind I think I am dealing with my uncle not with my fiance. He has learned these are big red flags that I am about to go off the deep end and nobody wants that. We have also learned that a few simple questions can help when I am starting to get "crazy eyes" as he calls it. Who am I? Where are you? How old are you? What year is it? Questions like these can help him help me come back to the present day or keep me from slipping too far into the abyss.

Liz H.

 

[TLight]

People have told me my whole life that 'I can see 'it' in your eyes'....'your eyes get this look'..............

I always took it offensively........like they were saying I was some kind of monster when I was just angry. I had every right to be angry and I wasn't the monster.

I didn't know I had PTSD..........now I understand. Now I listen when my BF says that and begins trying to 'talk me back'
Good questions, I'll tell him about those.