Wife agreed to mariage counseling

[abbynormal1929]

So my wife just agreed to mariage counseling (which at the moment seems kind of bittersweet). She only agreed to go after she caught me in a lie, which was really only me not telling her that my mom was coming over when she was at work on some sundays. She told the counselor that her goal was to feel more connected, but when she says that its implied that it's my fault. I really just need to vent a bit in a safe space (here) . I saw her reading a Facebook conversation on my phone last night. At first I though that sometimes her messages come to my phone cause she signs in on my phone from time to time. When it was obviously not for her she kept reading, so I took the phone away. Now she's acting like I'm hiding something. She says she thinks I'm having an affair with my chorus director who she knows is male, and I'm not attracted to men. And then she keeps doing that in a way that I can't tell if she's kidding or not. She also told the therapist that I make up things in my head about her that aren't true, negative things. Worst part is that I'm starting to believe at certain times that I'm making these things up about her in my head. That problems im having with her, or how I'm feeling isn't based in reality. I don't even know if I'm sounding very coherent right now, i'm just really frustrated. Her not giving me a definitive answer over whether she's actually mad at me or just "joking" is driving me crazy. We've only met with the counselor once, but I was too anxious to bring up any of the topics that would really challenge her, or push back in any way. I could use some feedback if anyone is comfortable commenting.

Thanks
Abbynormal1929

 

[somerandomguy]

@abbynormal1929 -
Couples therapy and marriage counseling are not recommended for abusive relationships.

Worst part is that I'm starting to believe at certain times that I'm making these things up about her in my head

You are being gaslighted. She is not interested in improving your relationship. She is interested in controlling you. She will use the therapist to maintain control over you - abusive people do that.

You need to leave.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I know... just wish it was easier

She just comes in so fast and hard with her words and justifications, I dont even realize it was gaslighting till later.

 

[somerandomguy]

Here listening. I really wish there was some way I could help you.

 

[Wendell_R]

I really just need to vent a bit in a safe space (here) .

Do you have your own therapist? Not that (here) is a bad thing.

She just comes in so fast and hard with her words and justifications, I dont even realize it was gaslighting till later.

Do you feel like the couples therapist makes room for you to give your thoughts? It's okay to say what you want--whether it's "I want a little peace and acceptance," or whether it's "I want to break up." But to start, there needs to be room for you in the conversation and in the relationship. If there's no room for you and your thoughts, that's a danger sign.

 

[abbynormal1929]

1. Yes I do have an individual therapist, she's quite supportive. 2. We've only met with the couple's therapist once, and it was really half a session cause of GPS issues. She seems really good, and my individual therapist thinks highly of her. It's not so much that I dont have room to talk in the session, it's more underlying anxiety that I have to drive home with my wife, and live with her. The thought of the silent treatment, picking apart my arguments, tension, and her turning everything around so I feel like I'm a bad person kind of censors me in the session via anxiety.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re allowed to have your mom come over to your house if you so desire.

I think the bigger issue is why you felt the need to lie about this.

Is your wife trying to separate you from your family? This is a huge red flag of abuse.

I don’t think that agreeing to go to counseling is out of the goodness of her heart. I think it’s a power play to vilify you.

 

[Wendell_R]

censors me in the session via anxiety

I agree there are a lot of flags coming up. Having space and respect is a critical part of a relationship. Can you talk to your individual therapist about this? Bring your post above in to her?

 

[grit]

I will not comment on your wife or you in that relationships because honestly it is extremely hard to dissect this story. It is obvious though that you are suffering from some sort of anxiety and paranoia as individual.

I am wondering though if you have an individual therapist and if this relationship is shedding some light on your reality testing.
No matter what you do in this relationship, you need outside help and to me (my narrow ears), it sounds like your individual therapist is not useful in some aspect or maybe there is much more information missing and it is (as i said) hard to dissect.

I do not know what to say except, I hope you have at least one person to trust in this world.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Oh, my individual therapist knows everything I posted on this site. She thinks highly of the couples therapist, but I don't think she is hopeful that the couples therapy will work. My wife will say she doesn't have a problem with my mother, and doesn't know why I needed to lie. But she often makes comments about my mom, and my friends being rich (theyre technically middle class) looking down on her, and judgeing her. I don't get to see the people I trust very often. Sometimes to avoid confict, other times cause were really busy.

 

[Mach123]

Sorry I have to laugh I've been writing stuff just like this on here for years. You aren't alone and you're not crazy.

The back and forth with your wife is a complex matter but suffice it to say in my experience you struggle for dominance. This is not a good or bad thing it just is. The marital relationship stands alone in my opinion. There is no other "arena" like it. She's a wife you're a husband. The rest is a matter of degrees.

It's good she's willing. You are still communicating and doing something (anything) together, going to counseling counts.

There's hope.

 

[somerandomguy]

There is not hope. This guy has been getting physically and emotionally abused by his wife for years. Telling him there's hope is malpractice of the highest order.

Sorry, @abbynormal1929. I think your wife is trying to string you along even more. Again, I urge you to leave.