Supporter Wife Of An Iraq War Vet- Please Help!!!!

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Paranoid10;

Thanks for the response. I wrote him a letter and took it over to him today, because I needed more clothes. He was fairly calm, and tried to talk a little. We talked for about an hour, and he said he hadn't made up his mind, and couldn't give me any kind of answer. He felt that our lived were completely messed up right now and he had no idea what was going on. He said I take too much on, and I needed to take care of myself regardless of what happens. I agreed, I hugged him, he didn't hug me back, so I asked him for one. He hugged me, but I can tell he's just not there yet.I took your advice and didn't panic when talking briefly about everything.

I really need an idea of where we are headed, so I asked that in the letter. Hopefully he will respond as to whether I can schedule an appointment for us both to meet with the marriage counselor. I couched the request in terms of "my issues" and that it was for my benefit, closure, etc. I didn't even mention the PTSD or anger, I will let him address that on his own time because I can tell he is still emotionally numb, raw and angry. I didn't want to crack any shells.

I am still very worried about him because it was 6:30pm when I went over there and the whole house was dark, he was in the basement and I could tell was just waking up. I could tell that he hadn't shaved in days, and hadn't brushed his teeth or showered. He also hadn't washed his clothes.

But now we play the waiting game I suppose. I only can control what I do, as Eleanor pointed out. I am not good at waiting, but, I have no choice. I'm crossing my fingers.

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
I spoke to my wife about a similar situation we had from our past and I just simply asked her what she thought.

Before I get into that though, let me tell you about the dynamics of our situation so that you can decide for yourself whether it applies to your situation or not. I was a combat medic just returning from OIF 1. I was feeling as if I couldn't relate to life as we know it, here in the United States. I was feeling emotionally numb from 12 months of seeing things that I had never seen in my life. I would hug my wife and children and not feel any emotion to it.

It didn't take long to figure out that things weren't right with me. I was sleeping on the floor rather than the bed with my wife. I was hypervigilant and would wake up to every noise there was. I didn't feel secure without a weapon at my side. I was experiencing nightmares to the point that I would wake up screaming. I was having flashbacks. I was having panic attacks. I was getting extremely angry with my wife and my children about things that, (in a peaceful civilian environment), would seem unimportant. My reasoning being that it wasn't to my standard. Well, my standard at that time was the military standard of how things were normally ran. In other words, I was treating my family as if they were a group of Soldiers. My sex life was horrible at that time. I couldn't feel intimate with my wife because I couldn't emotionally feel anything. Because of this, there was a lack of interest in sex and an decreased libido. As time went on, the symptoms got worse. I would find myself not showering, not shaving, and sleeping excessively. I guess in my mind, I was thinking, "What's the use?" I had the perception that because everything seemed so foreign to me and didn't make sense and there was nobody I could relate to, that I was alone feeling fear, guilt and shame for things that had occured overseas. I was essentially in depression. All this was followed up with an extreme lack of energy, lack of ability to do basic tasks, no motivation or drive to do anything. As I remember, I was spiraling down a very dark road.

Okay. Now onto what my wife had told me. I'd like to say I'm paraphrasing here as my memory is horrible and can't remember everything word for word.

My wife said that when I first came back, she did what she thought was right, which was "coddling me". She said that this worked for a while but didn't last. She made up in her mind that she would be sympathetic with me but motivate me to seek help and fight the monster known as PTSD. She said that there were many times where she had to be assertive with me and tell me the truth of my current circumstances. Her idea was that I was either going to sink or swim and she wasn't about to let me drowned. She would be there to help me up when I hit "rock bottom" but wasn't going to shelter me from the reality of what was around me. From what I gathered, this was not an easy task. There was a point where she wanted to leave me after a pretty bad arguement we had had. The other thing she did to turn the heat up a bit was that she got my chain of command involved in it. At the time, I thought she had betrayed me. I would eventually realize later that this was the best thing for me.

Through my chain of command, I learned about different resources available to me. The problem for me was having to go through numerous different doctors and even more numerous drugs before things even seemed to begin to get better. There were times where I thought I was a walking pharmaceutical. A pill for this, a pill for that, and how many times a day do I have to take this? It was a long hard road for the both of us. The defining factor that changed things was this: I admitted that I had a problem and I sought help for it.

I hope this helps you with your struggle. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[amethist]

Paranoid 10, you have a really really strong lady standing by your side. Good for her standing up and, well basically telling you as it was, there are not many who can do this and keep it up.

I hope she has also found her own support through all this, we supporters do need it too.

Maybe she would be interested in joining us here, she would be made very welcome.

Amethist

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Watkinsgirl, Kudos for keeping cool. I know how hard it is to have a ton of stuff on your heart and just... leave it for later, maybe. Paranoid10's wife is a good role model. It is so hard to be tough, to be gentle, to wait and wait and wait. The thing I'm learning (since my own tendency is very strong on the "coddling" side of things) is that this thing is so painful to deal with that the consequences/reality of NOT dealing with it have to be kept very clear.

If it were me, I'd call his CO and tell him the facts, and ask for help. That's just me. You seem like you need some backup here.

Best wishes for both of you.

Paranoid10 - give your wife a hug for me. And double for you for surviving and healing. You all's story made me feel like my life is comparatively easy today - and it was feeling pretty overwhelmingly tough yesterday. Thank you both.

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

Hi Watkinsgirl,

I do the same thing your husband does in a restaurant; I find a safe seat where my back is to the wall and no one can sneak up on me. My entire family is instructed not to stand behind me or to come up behind me to give me a hug. It really freaks me out, anything from behind.

However, I don't have any military background. This response and need to feel safe is from an abusive childhood. Just thought it was interesting- that PTSD is PTSD, whether from combat in the military or combat in the home.

Best of luck,

AJ

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Watkinsgirl, just wanted you to know that I am still thinking of you. And am hopeful for your situation. Just remember- be patient. Patience is a virtue (it just sucks waiting for it!)
I like what paranoid 10 stated above about coddling... I wonder if maybe you loved him at arms length, and pulled back a little bit, if he wouldn't come running home to see why you pulled back. I am not suggesting that you do this, I am just thinking out loud.
All the best!

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Thank you everyone for the support.

Paranoid 10- That is preciscely what I feel I am dealing with, the only difference is that my husband winds up sleeping on the couch in the basement instead of on the floor.

When I went to the house, he coud'dnt answer me as to what he thought, and just said that he hadn't made up his mind. In some ways I suppose that gives me a sliver of hope, but, at the same time, it is incredibly frustrating. It is like he is frozen, stuck in a quiet numb rage. He said that he would read the letter and get back to me, but I haven't heard anything. I don't want to push, but this just feels so unfair. How can he still not know whether or not he wants me to stay or go? There are time pressures here that are larger than our emotions, such ans making determinations on financial arrangements and personal property, if the decision that is made is for a prolonged separation or a dissolution/divorce. I feel this giant clock above my head and yet he is just sitting there, unable to give me an answer. Since I am afraid to hear an answer I don't like, I am not going to push him. But at some point, he has to take some kind of action. Again, I don't understand it, but I have no choice.

I have very strong co-dependent tendencies, so I have been doing litterally everything for him. Since he has chosen to kick his safety net out of the house, I am forecasting that this will work out in one of two ways. He will either:

1.) Miss the in home chef, maid, etc., and reluctantly grant me the permission to return. This will only work out in the long run if we both are committed to seeking treatment, otherwise it is a simple matter of time until the next blow up; or

2.) Become resentful and angry, slipping father away from me, until no one can reach him.

I certainly am hoping that it will be the first of the two, but to be very honest, I think it will be really hard either way.I have a counseling session tonight, so I will communicate this to our counselor. Here is hoping that he can begin to come alive again.

I am so tired today.

 

[ParanoidsWife]

Hi WatkinsGirl

I've been reading your posts and those that my husband and others posted to you. Sometimes it's hard caring for someone with PTSD. I will say this, that your husband surely knows that he has a problem but can't or won't get help. (It's so hard for them!) That could be for a variety of reasons, i.e. denial of the seriousness of it, fear of career repercussions, being too "manly" to admit that his problem is out of control, etc. Here was the deciding factor and saving grace for my husband and myself; he got the help he needed because he knew that I would not allow our children or myself to live under the cloud of outbursts, etc. No child should have to live with that and I refused to let it happen to ours. That being said, he did get help and although it hasn't been easy and the PTSD will be there forever, he still continues to fight and I'm right there with him; sometimes fighting next to him and other times "kicking his **s" back into the fight. I was ready to walk away until he got the help he needed for all our sakes. I know that you do not have children yet but you don't need children to say that, "I absolutely cannot be everything to you so, I need to concentrate on being everything to myself. If you need me, I'm always there to help you but you will no longer disrespect me." And then walk out the door. Keep in contact if you wish and see how he's doing. Ask him if he'd like you to go with him to any of his appointments, etc. Tell him that you will support him in any way that he needs. You don't need to live with him and be subjected to the abuse.

If he can't get to that place, then you do what is right for you, what will make you happy (in time). I'm not telling you to file for divorce because I don't believe that is always the answer. Don't allow what's going on with him to destroy you, too.

I know I'm rambling and maybe not putting things as clear as they could be but there it is.

Nice to meet you. :)
Paranoid's Wife

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Mrs. P10-

Thank you for your reply. You are a truly strong woman and an amazing wife from what your husband has communicated through his posts.

You aren't rambling. It is really hard to put such an emotional topic into anonymous words on a computer screen. You have so much experience that you want to convey, but have this little box with letters to express yourself.

I know that you are right, and I agree that it can't continue at this pace. However, I am really worried because those around him have been supporting his position that the problems he is having are primary and that the PTSD is secondary. In reality, and I and others can see that the opposite is quite true. I have a clear view beause I am front and center, most of his current complaints are due to PTSD behavioral components.This is my major hurdle. Its like a far more serious version of the Emperor's New Clothes.

If I can ask, what medications were prescribed to Mr. P10 that worked the best? Were these prescribed through the VA?

Still no response to my letter, I was hoping to be able to set a time with him when I met with the counselor tonight. I can't live in limbo forever.

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
Out of what seemed to be probably 50 different medications, I would have to say that Effexor XR probably was the best drug used for the depression. For anxiety, Klonopine was by far the best for me. The Effexor was distributed through the Army and the Klonopine was distributed through both the Army and the VA. There may be one problem though. Everyone's chemistry is a bit different in relation to drugs. Additionally, some of the side effects of the drugs can often be worse than the benefits of taking them. Everyone responds a little differently to psychiatric meds. What may have worked for me, may not work for someone else.

I am happy to report that I am down to one medication and the med is taken on an "as needed basis" because:
1) I don't always need it.
2) The medication can become habit forming. (addictive).

I'm not sure if this was helpful or not but that's the best answer I can give. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[ParanoidsWife]

Awwww, my husband is such a flatterer! :inlove: I don't think that what I do for him is anything that another spouse wouldn't do for their spouse with PTSD. Who wouldn't want to fight for the one they love?! In saying that, I am seeing on this site that the opposite is sometimes more the norm. :( Let me add something to what my husband just posted . . . I'll preface this with saying that I am in no way condemning medication. Some medication has been very helpful and others not so great. What it really came down to for my husband was that I noticed he was more symptom-free without the medications. (He had gone off them once and then a few months later felt he needed to go back on them) It took a couple of months of convincing and frustration on my part for him to talk to his psychiatrist about going off the meds. Thankfully, his psych doctor was good with giving him what he felt he needed and nothing more. It was like invasion of the body snatchers! Lol In the beginning of treatment it's pretty important for the meds to be able to get them to the place of working through their problems. After treatment for a while, it's up to the individual. Sometimes the meds can hinder real progress or I should say furthering progress. Alternative therapies did wonders, also, but nearly impossible to get with the VA.

Honey, don't expect an answer. You may not get one. Be strong enough to do what's right for you and for him by letting him know you love him but can't be with him until he gets the help he needs. Let him know you will help him make that first step when he is ready if he wants you to.

Okay, girlfriend, here's the kicker . . . Soldier Up!!! ;) Noone is in control of you but You!

Hope your session with your therapist goes well!!

PW

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Thanks PW.

Well, the session last night went ok. While my H hasn't responded to my request to let me know whether he would be willing to go to a joint session, the counselor told me not to give up. My husband's absence was beneficial in that I felt that I was able to communicate freely about the symptoms that I witness, without fear that it would upset him. This is good because I was able to effectively communicate that to the counselor, and hopefully, he will be able to very softly approach the issue. I was a little annoyed when he pulled out his DSM IV manual and was reading the questions to me, because I have been working on this forever and already know the criterion by heart. He was like, "Oh, well he shows signs in almost every category". Well, no duh. Glad I'm paying $150.00 and hour for your services, Sherlock Holmes.

Still no word from my warrior, I hope he is doing ok. I miss him terribly. When I think of him sitting in the basement, angry and numb, it breaks my heart.