Update-
Sorry that I have been absent from the forum for some time, I feel I should probably move this conversation to the relationships forum, but didn't want to lose touch with all of those who have been so helpful in their comments.
On 12/3/2011, I was told that I it wasn't working out at my firm (long story/employment discrimination). They are familiar with my mother's diagnoses, my husband's issues and my heart condition. So now I have one more thing to be thankful for. (Seriously, this is getting a little silly).
Thereafter, my H was sort of supportive (which was easy, because it involved him being angry and yelling). I then asked him if we were taking a therapeutic break, he responded I don't want to assign labels at this point. I said well that's ok, I understand. I want you to stay with me because it makes you feel happy, and because you want to. Not because you feel too bad to end the relationship or feel as though you can't leave. I said I want you to know that I am not a suicide risk, and that if I don't have a job and I don't have a husband that I will still be ok. Maybe that will be ok where I am, out of state or out of the country. I stated that I really needed to come and get the bed from the guest room b/c I was very uncomfortable at my parent's place (twin bed from H.s.) and that I would really appreciate him letting me borrow his truck te transport it the 20min to the house and back, or if he wasn't comfortable with me driving his car, I asked if he could help because the 2 people I knew with trucks were unavailable. He said ok, and that we would talk tomorrow.
The following day, when I texted him to see if I could come over, he called immediately and said that I wasn’t allowed to take “his” bed, that he wasn’t going to “…help his wife move out of the house b/c that was fuc$%ed up.” He stated my comments from the previous day upset him, made him very angry and that he couldn’t sleep. He said it I can’t move and leave him trapped in n.e. anystate (where we live). “This is a two income house… we are going to lose he fuc$%ing house, WatkinsGirl.” he yelled. I slumped down on the floor on the phone and cried as he continued, and then just said I was sorry, not to worry, etc. I said we could sell the house, that I know how to execute a compromise sale, and he then yelled that he doesn’t want a listing agent.
I didn’t really talk too much to him, I asked him for some money for medical bills and that ticked him off, although I willingly gave him the money for the mortgage and half of the utilities each month for a home I haven’t lived in since 11/18.
On 12/24 I called him to tell him I had gifts for his family and that I would bring them over to our house before he left. He said ok, and how long would it be until I got there. I said about 20 minutes. He said well, oh, I didn’t want to be here when you were there. I said its ok, don’t worry I am not coming over to talk, just to grab something and to drop off the gifts. I got there, showed him everything, he said to set it on the back porch because he had to very carefully load the car. I told him what each gift was so he would know and told him I got him a present to. HE said ok, we kept loading up the cars. He was ready to head out and then I said oh, didn’t you want to open your gift? Its nothing sentimental just something small and right up your alley. He said, no, not now. He said I didn’t get you anything. I said that’s completely ok, I don’t care, I just wanted to give you this little treat. He said no, things are really “fuc#$ed up right now” and that I could be “mad at him or whatever” but that he wasn’t opening it. I said ok, I understand. I went to get one more thing for my car, to load it. He then said ok, I have to go. I said, oh, you left the things I got for your parents and sister on the back porch, did you want me to help you load them? He said no. I said oh, did you need a Tupperware bin so they could ride in the back of the truck? He said no, I’m not taking them. I just said oh, he pulled out and I just sat on the ground and didn’t really move for about 20 minutes.
12/25 – I texted him Merry Christmas and I love you very much. No response.
I didn’t really talk to him again until I texted on 12/29 to pick up the crock pot a for my new year’s trip with my friends. He said he had been using it to cook, and that it was dirty and I couldn’t get it. I said ok, sorry to interrupt. I went to the house, he had opened his gift, but his parents were all still sitting in the middle of the floor.
1/1/12- I texted Happy New Years, I wish you a year filled with peacefulness and joy. I love you very much, no matter what. Happy New Years! No response.
What I don’t understand is that when I feel as though I am complying with his (unfair) demands, he still gets angry and then calls me his wife. When I act like his wife, or try to inquire as to his feelings or where he sees this going, he says that he doesn’t know and that “…things are really fuc#$ed up right now.”
Well, I have to say that at this time, frankly, he is the one making things fuc&*ed up. Not me. I have tried and tried.
He said he wanted to talk after the holidays. I set up an appointment with our local Vet Center (different from the VA, and completely free of charge and confidential) with a marriage/combat PTSD specialist. I am going to ask him to attend with me, on his day off. 1/9/12. I hope that he comes, I can’t be put in marital purgatory forever. At a certain point I have to start moving forward.
Eleanor, I think that your tactic would at least be helpful to me to try for now, so I will. I have tried to distance myself from him, emotionally. However, it makes me very sad that he has become someone who I don't even recognize.
Anyone have any thoughts/advice?
