Sexual Assault Will I Be Able To Be Intimate Again?

[thelizardqueen]

Hello friends. I am creating this thread simply to ask those who have been involved in sexual assault/rape, will I be able to be intimate again? And do you have any tips as to how to start being intimate? I was sexually assaulted about four months ago and have been raped on a few occasions many years ago. How do you trust anyone enough?

Is it worth it? Anyone out there simply abstain from sexual activity after what happened to them?

 

[desiderata310]

Oddly, after I got out of my abusive relationship I actually became very permiscous. Then one day a switch flipped and I couldn't stand being touched. I tentivly tried to date only to find that I can't take how intense having a one on one conversation in that setting feels. I get very panicked at the thought of just having a phone conversation with someone who is interested in me.

I've been like that for about a year and half.

I kind of don't care. Is it worth it? you mean having sex? I think that is a personal question you have to answer. I don't think there is a right one. For me the answer is no. I couldn't share my bed with someone right now because it would be too much of a trigger.

What I DO know is that I am not in a place where I could be any good to anyone in a relationship. I don't have anything to give in that kind of setting right now. I thought I would miss it but I don't. I don't miss dating, or sex except on rare occasions and even then it's only passing.

I had to attend a fancy dinner recently and I had my single-ness pointed out to me since everyone else was there with a date or spouse. That was a tough night. BUt at the end, when I was completely stressed out and had had more than I could handle, I didn't have to beg someone to leave either. I simply said goodnight and left.

Also, farting in bed, is really awesome when you know no one is going to be offended (that was to make you smile).

What I've found is a new freedom in making all the choices. What do I want to eat, watch, do for fun? When am I ready to go? I don't need to ask permission. I just DO it. OR if my PTSD is running rampant, I can stay inside in my PJ's and watch Dr Who all day, or cry, or drink tea,( or in the really bad cases cut and know that I am not a disappointment to anyone for doing so)
and I don't have to explain myself.

I would like to think that nothing is forever.
I am not still permiscous . Perhaps one day, I won't be in a place where I abstain from everythig.
Either way, it's ok.

Just take a break for a bit and try not to fret about it. Your groove will come back when it feels safe again.
If it doesn't, you're still ok.

 

[rightkindofme]

There is a great book called the Survivors Guide to Sex. I recommend reading it if you are in recovery from sexual assault. Also, The Courage to Heal has very useful sections for moving on and later intimacy.

Having a bad experience (or many-I was raped by 12 people) doesn't decide the rest of your life. There may always be bad days. There are times when I can't have sex. Mostly I'm doing well these days. I have a very positive, loving relationship with my husband.

Healing yourself is important. Do the work to forgive yourself, even though it is hard. You do deserve loving intimacy.

 

[Lucycat]

My sexual abuse was when I was a child. This has impacted on my adult sex life. There was a time I was in denial and sex was in autopilot. Then I got sick, ie had a breakdown and was diagnosed with CPTSD and I thought I would never manage sex again. Every touch caused a flashback and gave me the horrors. But we have worked on it. I have now been in therapy for 5 years and we have a comfortable intimate marriage. There are days when it is an outright no, but I kind of think after 29 years of married life it might be like that anyway.

I guess I would like to give you hope. If you want a sex life in the future it is do-able. But I am not surprised that after just a few months you are not ready yet. Give it more time and perhaps take a look at one of the books recommended above.

 

[RussH]

As a male I cannot honestly understand all that a woman goes through emotionally when she has been raped. I know what I would like to do to the rapist, but that is not germane to the topic here. I can tell you how deeply sorry I am that this happened to you, and that you are an innocent victim of a horrible act.

I do have a suggestion. If you can change your perspective on the event may help. Here is what I mean:
All the experts will tell you that rape is not a sexual act, but an act of violence. It is an act that usually is an attack on the gender and not the individual. The rapist is angry at women and not the individual woman.

Intimate, consensual sex, on the other hand, is an expression of love. When two people love each other, and engage in intimacy as an expression of that love, then it is a beautiful thing that bonds them together.

Perhaps you can change you perspective on what happened to you, and see it for what it is, an act of violence expressing malevolent emotions, and not an act of intimacy expressing love, that will help you with physical intimacy in the future.

 

[chibmonster]

i was raped repeatedly by one person who i thought was a friend but was manipulated by words and alcohol till i was black out drunk but then again he was mad at his wife for cheating on him i was not the first person he did this to.,After i finally got out from the a last straw thing happening and moving i remembered it had happened a few times when i was 18. my way if moving on was burying it and just letting life go on being used by people trying to have a friend or someone except the mess i was. it wasn't good cuz now i cant find pleasure in anything. now im trying to fix what is broken. i have no clue how long it is supposed to take to feel again, to be able to be intimate im in a relationship that was almost destroyed by this person that has lasted 10 years and i still cant, it takes time your not the only one.:hug:-chibi

 

[WildMermaid]

Sexuality has an ebb and flow and when we've been badly hurt sometimes it can feel like we'll be dead or damaged in that way forever. Being with an understanding lover was one of the things that helped me through, as well as learning about my own body and how to pleasure myself. In coupled sex there were intense moments of screaming and crying and getting locked back up inside but with the two steps forward one step back approach I made progress. Also (at least mostly PTSD is a sneaky beast after all) forgiving myself for what happened, any residual fears, and fantasies that occurred during and after.

My sexuality is warped, and probably always will be, but I can still appreciate that side of my self, and while it took years, that is a point of pride. I feel lightheaded and exposed from this too much information, but we're here on the Earth to help others where we can and honesty is the only way through.

@thelizardqueen I hope that you find your path and desires and intimacy can one day be something enjoyable and you look back on this time as one of change and self discovery. :hug:

 

[illusionist]

It is not surprising that's how you feel so soon after your experience. Take the time to take care of yourself and deal with what happened. Yes, it is possible to go onto having a normal, healthy sex life. Love and trust are paramount, for me anyway.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

I believe that it IS possible to have a healthy sex life after assault/abuse, but it can take time as you try to process what happened and the complex feelings as a result. I know after my short but sexually abusive relationship I became very promiscuous as I felt that was all I was good for. I was in denial about what happened and became very used to feeling disconnected all the time, particular in "intimate" situations, not that they felt intimate during this time. After 6 months or so, that changed and the reality sank in whilst I was seeing someone and I destroyed the relationship and became averse to men completely. After a while I then reverted back to promiscuity and meaningless relationships until I got into a relationship with a friend.

Now for the first time, I have a relatively healthy intimate relationship. I'll admit that when I'm in a bad patch with flashbacks and nightmares, my boundaries change - I will struggle with being touched sometimes and at others be desperate to be held constantly, like a child - so it is by no means easy or magically fine, but I have a level of trust with him that I never thought I would ever have. So I don't want you to lose hope that you can ever have something healthy or positive. I know at the moment I'm about to get some support WITH my partner (additional sessions with the therapist I currently see alone), so I can communicate some things in a more neutral environment than at home and he can get some support with the difficulties he faces in relation to my PTSD. Hopefully this will help both of us as this is the first time it has badly flared up for an extended period of time, since we've been together.

So I completely agree with the others that it's something that flows, that can change many times, and this can take a variety of amounts of time - months, years, decades. I know I find it so frustrating that it's not prescriptive and that it is very different for different people so there are no hard and fast rules or expectations, but I suppose it's about being patient with the process for YOU. Wishing you all the best. It wasn't long ago, so bear with yourself.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

The biggest obstacle for me was trust. Being intimate, you are letting down your guard and for me, it took time to trust someone enough and myself. I am a big control freak and sex at least to me is about giving up some control, to your partner and your body's natural reactions to touch. Being with someone who respects that, is patient and gentle, that made all the difference in the world. Give yourself time to heal but yes, sex can be wonderful again. ;)

 

[jellybeans91]

So 7 years this year, I was raped at university. Then 2 years ago it happened again with someone different. I stuck my head in the sand by going out and drinking with people I felt comfortable with, that I thought I could trust, but in reality, they weren't all that.
When I finally opened my eyes and began addressing all the shit in a sober light, things began to manifest. I would shy away, freeze, and freak out from various triggers.
I went to the police a couple of months ago when I finally got sick of it all, and kept telling myself I was such a brave young woman to do it. Especially since I walked to and from the police meetings by myself and barely confided in anyone.....the only support I got was from two people and my parents (who really don't get it AT ALL).
So, now I'm about to undergo counselling, but what about the intimacy thing? The touching, the freezing, the control?
Well, I'm trying to gradually increase my exposure to touch stimuli. Sometimes I lie on my bedroom floor on my front, and (as silly as this sounds), my pet rabbit jumps onto my back or nudges me in the side, or even sniffs my face. The closeness with an animal like that means that you can trust a living thing.
That's step one, (to prove you can trust at least something!).
Then there's control. One of my friends who went through childhood sexual abuse is an Ann Summers Rep. She is somebody who is meant to make women feel intimate and sexy and comfortable in themselves.
She suggested sex toys and not necessarily with the added use of a male counterpart, but for a woman on her own.
This is a HUGE leap for me, but I'm in a place now where I am ready for this. Baby steps I call it, but all of this gives me control of my own levels of intimacy and then I can go from there. Good luck to anybody who is going through this, and know YOU ARE NOT ALONE and IT'S OK to cry sometimes. That's ok! *honest*

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Well, I'm trying to gradually increase my exposure to touch stimuli. Sometimes I lie on my bedroom floor on my front, and (as silly as this sounds), my pet rabbit jumps onto my back or nudges me in the side, or even sniffs my face. The closeness with an animal like that means that you can trust a living thing.

This makes so much sense. I do this with my dogs and sometimes I try to gradually get more okay with my boyfriend touching me of his own accord. I nearly always jump massively thanks to my exaggerated startle response, and it does upset him as he doesn't want to scare me, but I'm trying to stop my automatic response which is to hit him if he surprises me. It's slow work, and rather painful for him too, but thankfully he was my friend first and then my partner and my issue wasn't with a friend, so that helps.

It's all about being patient with yourself and making sure that anyone you are with understands that you need to go slowly and that there will sometimes be steps backwards but these aren't personal to the other person.