Relationship Will I Ever Meet His Friends

[suze]

Hi, I am new to the forum, apologies if I post anything incorrectly.

I have been dating a man with combat ptsd for 6 months now. He was open about his ptsd with me from the start.

We both have children but he is not comfortable for me to meet his yet or vice versa. I have tried to assure him that I dont mind taking things slow but it is hard because we hardly get to see each other as one of us always has our kids. Also he wont meet my friends or let me meet his, I feel like he is keeping us in the closet and wonder if he will ever be able to accept me in his life.

He says he is happy on his own but admits that he likes me. I asked him if he wanted to be single forever or could he see himself with someone eventually but he said he cant answer that.
I dont want to be selfish, I really like him and want to be there for whatever he needs, but I dont want to be hurt, if he can commit eventually its fine but I dont know how long I can wait with the uncertainty of it all. The more time we do spend together the more I am falling for him...

 

[nursenurse]

Tough one there, Suze. Just had a similar discussion with my sufferer. My daughter wanted to meet him months ago, I had decided to lay low as I wanted to be sure he was more than just an acquaintance. Her Dad has been a virtual revolving door of relationships.

It's difficult in your situation to figure out if it is the PTSD, or the fact that he has a failed relationship under his belt and that he is just protecting his heart. The unfortunate thing I have found is that PTSD complicates the relationship process, and the relationship process complicates the PTSD. Bloody awful cycle.

You obviously have taken a liking to this gentleman, and I give you both lots of credit for taking things slowly, especially with the involvement of children. It speaks volumes about him that he has contact with his children, and I don't mean that just from a PTSD standpoint.

It sounds like you both may be in different stages of your game. He is being honest with you. He may have a total fear of commitment that could change with time, but may not. The question is, do you want to wait around? Even if the kids are not introduced, the fact that you feel you are in the closet says something. Relationships should feel uplifting and joyful, even when taking your time. I would think by now you both would have been introduced to a few of each other's close friends. The kids not necessarily so.

The other thing I worry about, because I have a bit of a suspicious mind, is that he may be hiding something. But then again both your lives are busy juggling kids. And six months really isn't a lot of time to be at the commitment stage. But I understand you wanting to know if this is a possibility in the future.

You might need to cut your losses because he just isn't where you are at. You may have to have that conversation, tell him what you need, that you want him to meet a few of your friends, and you would like to meet his some of his. That you don't see yourself as being alone forever. However you word it, you are not pressing for a commitment from him, only his ideas about what kind of future he sees for himself. If they don't run along the same direction as yours, and I suspect they do not, then you have your answer and need to move along accordingly. Good luck, I know it is tough to know what to do when the heart is involved.

 

[Nicolette]

The other thing I worry about, because I have a bit of a suspicious mind, is that he may be hiding something.

These thoughts are what crossed my mind as I've had some life experiences to cause me to err on the side of suspicion. The kids I can understand - friends and warning bells are going off for me.

 

[nursenurse]

Me too, I feel like I am sometimes down on people, but those spidey senses kick in, and something just doesn't sit well here.

 

[madmax]

Also he wont meet my friends or let me meet his, I feel like he is keeping us in the closet and wonder if he will ever be able to accept me in his life.

From a "man's" standpoint and haven gone through finally dating someone seriously while having a kid....I made sure up front that my now present wife met my son immediately so I could see the dynamics of a potential family in the future.

Holding off doing that in my "book" tells me his not sold on the idea of a future with you..Throw in PTSD and you have a virtual shit storm to navigate through.

Max

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sufferer here.

I've been told that I act totally like a guy in this regard. Well, the compartmentalization of every part of my life. My friends are separate from my co-workers (when I worked) who are separate from my classmates who are separate from my family etc. I don't turn co-workers into friends (for example) and I don't let their paths cross. It's a way I keep safe. If they were all co-mingled, I'd have NO escape when one went awry as it'd have a ripple effect. I often joke to my family that when I get married, they'll only get to meet my guy after the wedding.

A guy friend told me that females don't do this. Everybody knows everyone. Facets of their lives mix more than with guys. Guys are more likely to leave work at work where females make friends of everyone. An examination of my own friends and I see this to be true to an extent.

Am I "hiding" things? Yes and no. I'm hiding people from each other but not because I'm lying, simply because I need to feel safe. Worlds colliding can be catastrophic. Don't jump to the automatic conclusion that he's a no good dirty dog just because you aren't integrated into his life yet (in the absence of other evidence). It is HARD for us to let people in. Just my two cents. And if you can't handle this, then maybe a PTSD relationship isn't the best fit for you.

I wish you the best.

 

[suze]

Thank you all for your replies. I think it he is just trying to protect himself as you say scared of lonely, he did have a bad marriage break up too and he has always been honest with me.

But I think in our case you are spot on nursenurse, the fact that he likes being with me but cant say whether he can see a future together we probably are just at different stages. My gut tells me this is true, as you say the hard part is how to let go and move on! Thank you all for your advice and encouragement.:-)

 

[strongandsmart25]

Hi Suze-

I will be the first to admit...dating a guy with PTSD AND with past relationship baggage (mine came back from OIF to a wife who was not happy to see him and wanted him to go back and when he didn't, she left him) is not really what they call "a fairy tale". ha ha ha. Sorry, I have a sick sense of humour.

It's kind of more like I ask myself all the time "Why on earth do I put myself through this (?)"...Anyway, I love my crazy, insecure, walled-up, non-committal sufferer but I definitely have learned how to "Turn off the giving switch" with him. You see, I tend to give and give and give and give. I think "I'll show him how it's done - he'll feel so loved and he'll feel so safe he won't need to push me away any more". But that's not how it works. The more you give someone who can't take it in, the more you lose of yourself. It's like pouring water into a container. Yourself is like this big huge 10 gallon container of water and someone with PTSD (in my experience) has about about 8 ounces or so size of a container that they can hold. If you pour into that, the 8 oz fills up FAST and then all that happens after that is just a lot of wasted water going over the edges. They just can't hold all the love. Maybe they will grow, maybe not. But if you keep pouring and pouring and pouring, your container will run dry and what will you do then?

Look to your sufferer for some? That won't work. All they've got is that little 8 oz container... So, ya, the old adage "take care of yourself" really applies. It is corny and cliché but it's true. I'm sorry for your pain over this but if you are like me, you are reading what everyone else is writing here and there is a light going on in your head...:eek::O_o:

 

[nursenurse]

Love the analogy :)

 

[strongandsmart25]

Thanks, Nursenurse. I have a ton of them. That's one of my issues...I so want to be HEARD and understood....you know what I just did just now? I wrote myself a letter from my guy as if I was him and him telling me the stuff I know he should be saying because of what I found when I showed up at his house on Saturday. He was there, but that is all I can say for it. He was sitting on the couch in his boxers on the internet. His response upon seeing me was "oh wow - I thought you'd found some other guy and weren't coming". lol. Really? This is really what he thought? How on earth would I "find some other guy" if I'm not even looking. Methinks we have a big old fat case of PROJECTION here. Yes - he's been on Match trying to get an ego boost the past month or two. Apparently it backfired on him though because he said he was getting attention mostly from women he didn't think were "his type" or that when he did get attention from someone attractive, he immediately told himself "what is she going to want from me?" and "What is wrong with her?"

He's a big old pile of messed up and the fact I continue to stay emotionally engaged to all this means I still have a HUGE amount of work to do, myself. (sigh - pulling up sleeves)....