Relationship Will Moving Out For A Break Save Our Marriage???

[Sunshine71]

After 7 years of battling with PTSD hubbie has moved out as he feels this will save us.

A weight has been lifted and I think I am just worried that we both know its over.

He is not the man I married, fell in love with and has become nasty, angry, negative and unloving.

I cant be myself - I am bubbly, positive and fun. I was called "inspirational" yesterday.

He doesn't want to be this way - so he says. So why is it so difficult? It is horrendous dealing with flashbacks etc but I just needed some kind of light as the end of the tunnel. Something to get me through the tough times.

Is it too much to ask for a little dance in the kitchen when things are good? A spontaneous hug and to hear the words I love you? To go to the cinema as a couple? I really want much more than that - however I would be happy for something.

After nearly 30 years he told me the other day he doesn't like holding hands.

Who is this guy?

PTSD - I hate you. Leave my husband alone. Enough. We are really good people.

I wish I didn't message the guy I met last year well lets call it what it really is .... "sexting". It was just quite wonderful to have some attention even if it wasn't real at all. When I said to stop messaging me and he carried on I should have not replied. Hindsight is a great thing.

Well I just hope some space will help. Although I feel it will be us over - after nearly 30 years with my best friend.... lost in a horrible world of PTSD.

Sunshine xxx

 

[The Albatross]

Considering he left after your emotional affair, I'm not at all sure what PTSD has to do with it. You traded your 30 year partner for some moments of "happiness" straight up and it can go either way as to whether a separation will save your marriage or not.

 

[Sunshine71]

I didnt plan to trade anything. I didnt think. This was an escape from PTSD, my sons type 1 diabetes, work worries, money worries.... I lost my hubbie years ago and have been doing all what I can to find him again. But I am scared, upset, beaten down, exhausted, not me, lonely and I feel I have carers fatigue. So I just immerse myself into my work... and wish I could turn back the clock.....

 

[Crazyme]

I am starting to think that sometimes as carers/supporters we put up with what is, in reality, abusive behavior. I am becoming more curious about this in my own relationship and wonder why I allowed him to treat me so poorly for so many years. That being said, I think it is understandable why you would respond like you did to affection and positive feedback from someone. Given what you have put up with for all these years, I really don't think that you should beat yourself up over it. In fact, I think you should let your husband go for a bit and see what the change is in your life. You might find that the peace of not having him around is quite nice.

I hope I haven't overstepped here. These are just my observations and I would welcome feedback.

 

[Crazyme]

I thought I just posted to this, but what I wrote is not here now. @Sunshine71, I don't think that you should beat yourself up for what you did. I don't understand why there isn't more discussion on this site about emotional abuse suffered by carers/supporters. It sounds like you have suffered a lot these last 7 years. Maybe now you should take this time away from your hubbie and really assess how you feel without him. Maybe you'll find your old happy self again.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

Sunshine, if my wife were to have a sex thing without the real thing. I would be most likely like your hubbie. I would not be able to handle it. the Other guy making you feel good about yourself and enjoying the "all about caring he does about you" I can understand and would not have a problem with personally but when you start enjoying sexy talk and so on with another person. Then I would be hurt and deeply so personally. But what I would most likely do knowing me is find this guy an beat him until he was beyond caring for you. In my old school world, if you truly love someone then you take care of them in that way. But once that was done, then I would hope I would see I needed to change my ways. So I ain't sure what I am attempting to say but that is what went thru my mind when I read this an was thinking you might not be seeing it thru your hubbies eyes. Only from your eyes. Sometimes you have to put yourself into there mind to see why they act the way we do.

 

[TheMinsterman]

You need to start focusing on yourself, let him have his space and work on his emotions as he requires.

I've kept repeating that but it is true. You went and sexted this person because your husband wasn't fulfilling his duties as a partner to fulfil you emotionally, does that suck for him? Yes. Does he have a right to be angry and hurt and betrayed? Yes. It doesn't absolve him of what he did though and how he hasn't demonstrated love and affection for you for years, it's quite abundantly clear that if he had done so that you'd never have strayed the way you did, you're both to blame here and if it is going to be repaired you BOTH need to work on yourselves.

You're still focusing too heavily on him, don't, focus on you. He will go and work on how he feels and what he needs, if it ends up being to move on from you then you need to accept that too. You must work on yourself and what you want, I understand 30 years is a long time, a very long time in fact, but you must ask yourself, what do you want to make you happy? Stop putting yourself second, its what lead to this sexting incident in the first place, really look into what it is that you want and need and if he isn't in a position to give you that now or in the future you must consider moving on yourself, because you can't just be in a loveless relationship because of nostalgia.

I know that will sound harsh and hurt but it is true, don't sell yourself short and only focus on what he needs, it's a relationship, there are two of you.