Wish Me Luck!

[Iam]

My T told me today that she doesn't want to do any more EMDR with me until she knows for certain that I am stable and that my home is a safe place for me to be. She feels that my husbands comment the Saturday I ended up in the hospital was intentional on a subconscious level and emotionally abusive. Wow, total opposite of my other T who last Tuesday gave me all the rational reasons my husband would have done that. It certainly made me feel validated. I think I may end up just going to her from now on and stop seeing my original T. Not sure on that yet.

Anyway. She wants to meet with both my husband and I so she can educate him on what we will be doing with the EMDR and how he can support me. My husband said he is willing to go so that is good. He loves me and I am hoping that this will make our marriage better.

She also told me that she wants me to see a psychiatrist for monitoring my medication vs my regular Dr. So on the search again. Geeze, 3 behavioral drs for one person. Am I screwed up or what? LOL! Really I am kidding, I agree that a psych should oversee the meds and I know my regular dr would say the same, in fact he did at my physical last August.

 

[bluecat]

Hahaha, Iam, I have three too! My therapist, my CBT therapist and then a psychiatrist (well, will have one, as soon as I find a replacement for the mean one). I am glad I am in such a good company : )

 

[bluecat]

PS: glad to hear that you feel your current therapist is hearing what you're saying, validating your feelings and taking your side. I think its really important to have a therapist who you feel is truly supportive of you. Good luck with your next meeting.

Bluecat

 

[Iam]

So my T gave me a new homework assignment. I wonder if any of you have ever done this? It seems very bizarre to me, far beyond creating a "safe place". Although it does make sense to me on a certain level. If you have done this or something similar I would love your feedback.

I am supposed to create a "homebase" for my different "frozen" ego states. Each is to have their own space in this homebase. i.e. Imagine a cabin, it has a common area where the egos can get together to support eachother and brainstorm. Each ego state has their own bedroom that they get to decorate however they like. A room that is comfortable and safe enough that they can have forever. Each has a big screen TV that has a special remote control which I will explain in a minute. When I have to go somewhere or do something I am to tell them to go to their rooms and before I leave ask them if there is anything they need or want while I am gone. I am to call myself "mom". Explaining that mom has to go do something but I will be checking on them andt that they can use their TV remote to watch & hear what I am doing. They can mute the sound if they want, make it black and white, make the screen smaller or turn it off if they don't want to know what is going on. I am to check in with them when I get a chance to see how they are and see if there is anything they need. I am also supposed to check in with them when I get back.

I asked my T if the "critical" ego state is supposed to have a space in this cabin as well. She said yes but that I needed to check with the other egos to see where they wanted her to be. Meaning maybe on a different floor or even in an entirely different wing, far away from them.

I have tried to do this with the 7 yr old and the 16 yr old. The 16 yr old is completely compliant. She has given up and has no hope. She doesn't even care about decorating her room. The 7 yr old won't even go into the cabin. She is angry and doesn't trust me (which my T says is completely understandable). I haven't tried with the others yet.

I am not sure why this whole exercise makes me so nervous. Maybe it is that it is a step in getting to know these "parts" of myself better? I was afraid she was indicating that I have DID (totally split personalities), but she said "no, everyone has these parts, but in people who have experienced long term childhood trauma, the egos are more distinctly separated." That was a relief LOL!

 

[anni]

I think it would make anybody nervous, Iams. It all makes sense but I can certainly see where something SO different than any previous work, and so intensive would wierd you out a little. It would give me the willies, to be sure but how cool to have a T who knows how to help you put all this together. I hope it's ok to say you sound awfully on top of the progress, though. I realize you're making an effort to remain contained, which you do well but honestly? You just sound good, or at least ok, for what it's worth from this perspective. SUCH an intriguing format for healing- all the best with this!

When you're a little stronger through this and I'm focusing for more than 15 minutes ate a stretch really will enjoy a good 20 questions with you on theother subject. Just something interesting I'd like to know more about. sometimes.

 

[Iam]

Yeah...I am doing ok Anni. It's just......I don't know.....just such a long process this getting better. Every single one of us here has to deal with that. My T is convinced I can get well which is encouraging. I'll be happy when she feels it's safe enough to start the EMDR again.

My hubby and I have an appt with her on Monday. She wants to gauge him to see if he can truly be supportive or not. If he is willing she will work with him, if not she said we'll have to figure out a way for me to be able to cope with the things he says. Boy did she ask me a ton of questions about him yesterday. Said she wants an idea of his personality so that she can think about the best way to approach him. Sure gives me confidence in her just knowing that she is thinking about things between sessions. I KNOW she wants to help me, you know, not just in it for the money?

I spent 2 hours today with my eyes closed imagining the cabin and rooms. The 7 yr old was defiant, but was finally willing to come in. She claimed the room the farthest away from everyone. I even brought in the toddler ego. It was quite interesting what each one wanted in their rooms. It was a hard exercise, but I think well worth it. I promised my T I would spend time on it every day. It is weird getting to know these different parts of myself.

Something cool about the toddler ego. I had done an age regression exercise months ago and "met" her. She was terrified and it took several times before I could get her to come with me. I created a space in my heart for her and she sobbed in fear as I brought her up/put/in (?). Today, she was happy and care free. That was a HUGE encouragement to me as I figure she must have been healed by what I did before. :D

I know it all really sounds crazy doesn't it? Oh well, if it works....I don't care how crazy it sounds!

 

[Iam]

Well, I got a BIG SHOCK in my session today. Not only did my T say that my husband has been emotionally abusive, but she said I have been too. It's not anything that I didn't believe already and as good as the validation is, it also hit me really hard. She had called my other T and told him that She will not do EMDR therapy for my traumas until she is certain that I am safe at home. VEry disappointing for me. What it means is that we will be working on my responses to my husband and hope that he will be willing to work on different communication skills as well. If he isn't then it will all be up to me to not get triggered by his comments. She suggested that we read "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel.

Still, OMG was it hard for me to hear. We did do EMDR on the situation with my hubby that sent me spiraling so low that I ended up in the hospital. We kept at it until I was at a point that I was able to imagine myself calm and not taking it personally. I left exhausted and ended up getting really upset on the way home, but was able to work thru it.

I picked the book up on the way home. Then after dinner asked my husband if we could talk. I told him that I was really nervous about what we needed to discuss. When I told him what she said he jumped all over the fact that I have been emotionally abusive too. He said that I have hurt him many times and probably don't even realize that I am doing it sometimes. He said he is willing to read the book after I do and hopes that he will get something out of it. I'm sure he feels far more open now that he doesn't feel like he is being attacked and blamed for everything. That is good. I know we both love, are committed and in many cases are very supportive of eachother. Maybe now we can get somewhere in changing how we communicate and treat eachother when we are frustrated or disappointed. A better marriage in the making, so why is my anxiety off the charts?