Wish My Ptsd Spouse Could Care For Me

[Anonymous00039]

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD from severe prolonged childhood abuse shortly after we got married four years ago. Getting married seemed to act as a conduit for all of these memories to flood out. In a way, I guess it is flattering that he trusts me enough to let it come out. On the other hand, it has been very draining. I feel like we have the same fights over and over again, which is normal for most couples, except our fights are clouded with all the emotion of his PTSD. He needs a lot of affirmation and constantly desires to be told he is doing a good job. I don't mind fulfilling this need, but it is insatiable. Any hint that I am not 100% happy with what he is saying or how he is doing something and he becomes very internal (I call it zombie mode). We have learned to deal with this throughout our marriage. Thankfully, he has been very committed to therapy, until about six months ago when he quit because he didn't feel like he was making progress. We have both had difficult times in our lives and that is no different in our married life. In the past few years we have both felt the stress of lay-offs at work and struggled under severe debt caused by his Father's actions. A few months ago I started to lose hope that we would ever achieve our dream (living in a community and having good jobs that pay enough to survive). He is unemployed, but I have been able to keep a full time position (that doesn't pay enough). We live incredibly frugal. I hate my job and it is incredibly stressful work. Our apartment is dark and tiny and constantly a mess. Over Thanksgiving I became so depressed that I thought about killing myself. The only thing that snapped me out of it was thinking of my husband and parents. Tonight, my husband asked me some questions about why I have been upset lately and I shared with him that I had thought about ending my life. He immediately turned the conversation back on himself and what his father had done to him as a child. In a hysterical outburst, I told him that I really wish I had the energy to take care of him in his emotional needs or just react better than I was at the moment, but that I was just so emotionally broken that I couldn't take anymore. I walked into a different room and closed the door and cried for an hour. He came in and apologized and asked me to see a therapist. He realizes that I am in a dark place, but he doesn't know what to do. I don't expect him to fix my depression, but I wish for once he could've taken care of me in that moment. At least, helped me believe there would be a time without all our struggles. Can a PTSD spouse ever be an emotional support and take charge to pull the family through or should I just give up on this?

 

[Em C.]

Well I'm not a spouse but I do have PTSD and pretty much every relationship I've been in I've been the one to take charge with my boyfriend(s) slipping into stress and depression. People with PTSD I find are like people without it in that some of them can 'take charge' and some of them can't or can't at certain times. People are people with or without PTSD :)

I wish you luck with your relationship and your own wellbeing!

 

[anthony]

To answer your question asked at the end, the answer is yes, though in your case you have two joint obstacles in which to overcome, being:

I feel like we have the same fights over and over again, which is normal for most couples, except our fights are clouded with all the emotion of his PTSD.

You need to learn a better method of communication than fighting, and

He needs a lot of affirmation and constantly desires to be told he is doing a good job. I don't mind fulfilling this need, but it is insatiable.

He has a problem, and you're enabling him. Two separate issues. He needs to look at CBT principles on how to change his need to be positively reaffirmed, and you need to not enable him, as that is a negative thinking style.

So the answer to your question is yes... but for your relationship, you need to both look at those aspects. Pick one and work on it. I would honestly jump to the second, being his negative thinking styles and your enabling behaviour of his negative thinking styles. You get the grasp of that issue, chances are you may automatically fix the first issue somewhat.

We with PTSD can be a handful, no doubt about it. I know I can be.

 

[PTSD-11]

Yes I think it is entirely possible, though obviously depends a lot on your husband and his own mental health. I've found myself in relationships often taking more responsibility for my partners health than my own, i guess using caring for my partners mental health to a point that was avoidance, so obviously the other way and still not very healthy. I don't think there is a single answer, but just because he is suffering it shouldn't stop him from at least trying to be there for you

 

[arfie]

I feel like we have the same fights over and over again, which is normal for most couples

Divorce/breakups are pretty normal for most couples, too. Not all "norms" are worthy of embracing.

I believe this PTSD spouse can and has been supportive. Not always, but I find it healing that my husband has not given up on me.

It has taken us 34 years, but my husband and I have managed to make some breaks this cycle. It is definitely a "We" thing. It takes two. We call it, "Co-opting" and we do a little victory dance every time we recognize and gently move past it during hard moments when we are both in need. During serene moments, we work out subtle cues we use to remind ourselves while the hard moments are upon us.

The notion of seeking therapy for yourself worked for us. Live support group networks have worked best for me, personally. They give me someplace to go when trouble hits outside of business hours. My husband has preferred the professional networks. When we are having problems with each other, each other is not the best place to look for support. Learning to share our lives while remaining fully aware of and sensitive to our differing needs was essential. But that is me...

Gentle support while you sort your own.

 

[blackemerald1]

I hear you when you say you live in a horrible place, have severe financial problems, live very frugal and despair of a better life. With a very needy husband and the extremely difficult times you have endured individually and as a couple it is hard to see anything positive. But do not think it is impossible.

Perhaps some house rules need to be in place. For instance since you are working full time, perhaps your husband can clean up the place, one mission at a time.. I feel miserable when my own dingy place is a mess and its hard to be there or wake up to it every day knowing it is such a disgrace. So, plan with your husband to get the place tidied up. Plan to have little talk times when things are bothering you. Give yourself some space to do something for yourself,, it need not be expensive.

Try to stop walking on egg shells when your husband doesn't feel well. The more normal I think that you behave, the sooner he will accept that you are supportive but not going to destroy yourself when he is down.. But also respect too and acknowledge that he hates his PTSD and its manifestations.

Talk about PTSD regularly but not continuously.Having PTSD is hard on partners, but you both end up sacrificing the relationship and all your hopes if you do not strike a balance.

Never give up hope Anon00039 you both have come through so much. and you can have a loving supportive husband with some work on both sides. Things might get worse before they get better but keep aiming for a better relationship and lifestyle. Plan it.