Witnessing Abuse

[.Bubbles.]

Wasn't sure which board to post this in exactly. I feel it could fit in a few of them.

OK...I'm just wondering who else witnessed abuse. Growing up as a child/teen I witnessed my mum being abused by a few different partners. Mostly mentally/emotionally. But a couple physical incidents I remember vaguely. I also witnessed my step mum physically, mentally and emotionally abuse my half siblings for years.

And it was torture to watch. I don't use that word lightly, it really did feel like torture on some level. I was young and I was scared. I didn't know what to do about it. My older sister called CPS on the step mother, they visited a few times but nothing happened. We would always try and get mum to leave, but we know how that works.

I did have a internet chat with one of my half sisters not long ago. When it felt right in the Convo I told her she's a brave young lady, that I wanted her to know I hated what I seen hsppening, and I'm sorry. She said its OK she's happy now.


The guilt. I wish I had done something. Even just said "dont do that"... Something. I'm sorry I was one of those people that didn't do enough. Never again.

Can anybody relate please?

 

[Seagreen]

Yes I've witnessed lots of abuse. I do still feel guilty about a few things but learning to live with that now. When faced with the possiblity of doing something about it as an adult I've been more likely. to intervene.

 

[sun seeker]

I am sorry you had to go through that. Were you very young at the time of any of this? Before the age of about three, the child experiences the abuse as if it were happening to them.

My daughter witnessed her father being violent with me when she was a toddler. It changed her, I know because I know who she was before and who she became. The innocent trust never came back.

My parents weren't physically violent with each other, but my mother would scream at my father and have what I'd have to call tantrums, and I do remember how much it scared me. I used to freeze, almost stop breathing, so I wouldn't feel what was going on. Physical violence has to be worse. You are definitely not alone in how your experiences affected you.

 

[Friday]

Every day.

The single hardest thing for me to do is nothing.

I'm glad you didn't post this in 'childhood'. In childhood, I acted. Didn't care about the consequences, even if I understood them, and most of the time I didn't. I took a bat to my friend's dad. I threw a pipe bomb back over the fence it had been thrown over. I mouthed off to some serious players way outside my weight class (who, lucky for me, found me amusing, even if it just pissed me off at the time). Later, I disobeyed orders. I spoke out, and got my ass handed to me on more than one occasion, making a bad situation worse, not better.

I did eventually learn to obey. Which was a good thing.
I did eventually learn to look at the consequences of my actions. Before acting. Also good.

Most of my PTSD-stuff, though, is wrapped up in this category.
Not acting, when everything in me screams to. No matter how right or wrong it is.
I have 3 parts. What I did, what was done to me, and what I didn't do.
My shame & guilt are split fairly evenly amongst those 3.
My regrets are tied mainly to what I did & did not do.
Wholly different, however, from being gutted by what I did not do. Eaten alive by it.

And, to this day, the single hardest thing for me to do is nothing.

 

[Ellabella44]

yes, my father had a horrible temper, hed throw things , chase my mother down with hammers, drills, etc in his hand. I couldnt stop it, we lived like that until I was 10. i could only save one other person in my home.. my brother who was younger than I. moms on her own. I had to choose and i took him to a room and stood guard till the fight was over. at least 3 i remember vividly and they are flashbacks for me.

like friday i mouthed off to other kids, was told to meet after school to fight them, looking back im lucky they didnt show up. I had nothing left to loose.
doing same to my mother only got me fat bloody lips. and oh well i still did it.
I completely freaked the first time she and my step dad had an argument.. I ran to my room screaming that i cant live like this again. I had never seen an argument between a man and a woman that hadnt ended in violence. he never hit her (my step dad) and hes been good to her, so durring their marriage i did learn that an argument can be just letting off steam and not about hurting anyone.

 

[illusionist]

Yes I know how you feel. As well as receiving a lot of abuse I witnessed a lot with my brothers. I think the worst was when it was out of sight, I could hear their screams in the next room. I couldn't see but could hear everything, the hits, foster dad shouting put downs, and the screams. As long as I heard their scream and crying I knew they were 'ok'.....I feared sudden silence. Even the dog got it.
I did for a long time feel guilty but that has left me now. I was powerless , either physically or verbally to do anything about it.

 

[Ronin]

Yes, this often. Actually the days I don't see any make me feel in another world and spin into derealization. Not being able to act is one thing that gets to me, badly. Still feels like a scar that never stops itching. Heck, I prefer doing f*cked up things to witnessing them; f*cked up control is still control, not 'can't do jack'.

 

[illusionist]

Scars that never stop itching..

Thanks for that. Describes everything!

 

[Ellabella44]

yeah it describes it perfectly kaia.

 

[.Bubbles.]

@sun seeker yes there was abuse in the household since I was born (and before) and I was abused myself anyway. I find both traumatic. Feeling so helpless is not nice to say the least.

Thanks for the replies. It was something I just needed to get out.