Ellabella44
Diamond Member
honestly dont know where to start... but here goes... I started feeling like things were slipping, like I wasnt present for a while at 42 and it got worse... felt like I was just hanging on but barely... then my mother, talked to my brothers girlfriend about our early childhood. I started with what I remembered myself... Our father being violent, throwing things at our mother, chasing her with a hammer, and every time a fight broke out between them Id rush my brother upstairs and barricade every door and entrance to my room and stand guard with something in my hands to hit our father in case he decided to go after my brother and I.
His girlfriend said oh , so you were his guardian... It was like that one word unlocked everything for me. I started falling apart , going through times where all I could feel was angry, feeling so unstable and confused that I didnt know what to do with myself. flashbacks of what I did remember of my childhood.
I suddenly couldnt remember my kids as young children, my husband looks different than I remembered him. I , well I look alot older than I remember myself. I have a few stuck spots now. one fragment that dealt with all the stuff that happened with my father and mother ( though they divorced when I was 10, she had changed physical , over to just emotional abuse to present day. he hurt her, she would take it out on us but of my brother and I im the one who remembers it seems) one fragment is fear from being chased by two cousins who wanted to have their way with me also before age 10. another is my abortion experience when I was 18, and those are my worst ones.
Ive been having flashbacks mostly in those areas, I drank for over a year and self harmed because I didnt know how to deal with all of this. I am disconnected from my husband and kids. Clearly they love me, but I dont feel anything but my pain right now so dont actually feel I love them in return. (My therapist says I can get that back eventually have to work through my traumas and be patient) I had to quit drinking because I became suicidal one night, more than I had been when this started... I cant do that to my husband and kids. I finally gave in and started seeing a therapist after being on another forum where I found a support group for dealing with my feelings about having had my abortion.
everything is a work in progress and now that I know from my therapist what is going on with me, I want to understand how to deal with changing phases as I call it better. Luckily im home due to severe asthma, so I have the time to let things come and deal with it. I have bad memory, have to write anything important down, schedule things , dont remember some things that my husband may have told me years ago. its like reading post its about the experiences when I do find the file the information is in rather than experiencing it. I had to write down that I have to put on my rings from my husband as well as a tree of life one I have for my self harming, and another ring I have for quitting drinking. these reminded me of present time when I had them on once and I use them to bring me out of phase because they arent familiar to my past that i fall back into.
His girlfriend said oh , so you were his guardian... It was like that one word unlocked everything for me. I started falling apart , going through times where all I could feel was angry, feeling so unstable and confused that I didnt know what to do with myself. flashbacks of what I did remember of my childhood.
I suddenly couldnt remember my kids as young children, my husband looks different than I remembered him. I , well I look alot older than I remember myself. I have a few stuck spots now. one fragment that dealt with all the stuff that happened with my father and mother ( though they divorced when I was 10, she had changed physical , over to just emotional abuse to present day. he hurt her, she would take it out on us but of my brother and I im the one who remembers it seems) one fragment is fear from being chased by two cousins who wanted to have their way with me also before age 10. another is my abortion experience when I was 18, and those are my worst ones.
Ive been having flashbacks mostly in those areas, I drank for over a year and self harmed because I didnt know how to deal with all of this. I am disconnected from my husband and kids. Clearly they love me, but I dont feel anything but my pain right now so dont actually feel I love them in return. (My therapist says I can get that back eventually have to work through my traumas and be patient) I had to quit drinking because I became suicidal one night, more than I had been when this started... I cant do that to my husband and kids. I finally gave in and started seeing a therapist after being on another forum where I found a support group for dealing with my feelings about having had my abortion.
everything is a work in progress and now that I know from my therapist what is going on with me, I want to understand how to deal with changing phases as I call it better. Luckily im home due to severe asthma, so I have the time to let things come and deal with it. I have bad memory, have to write anything important down, schedule things , dont remember some things that my husband may have told me years ago. its like reading post its about the experiences when I do find the file the information is in rather than experiencing it. I had to write down that I have to put on my rings from my husband as well as a tree of life one I have for my self harming, and another ring I have for quitting drinking. these reminded me of present time when I had them on once and I use them to bring me out of phase because they arent familiar to my past that i fall back into.
