Relationship Working On Those Boundaries

[Sweetpea76]

My sufferer just pulled his first disappearing act. He was gone less than a week, but with no notice or word from him, but it seemed like forever with the worry. It was pointed out to me on another post that this behavior is just as abusive as the lashing out.

When he came back 2 nights ago, my vet and I had to hash it out. I told him that I refuse to sit and worry that he was dead in a ditch somewhere, and that him taking off with no word was horribly mean and disrespectful to me. He told me that when he was going through a rough patch he was not going to always want to be around me, or really anybody that he felt any kind of responsibility or attachment to. We had to compromise that if he could just text me periodically to let me know he was ok, I would not text him back and give him his space during these times.

We have already had the boundary-setting session when it came to his lashing out. So far these seem to be working pretty well. He's really only been nasty or snarky with me maybe 4 times in almost a year, and I immediately remove myself.

This is still a newer relationship, and we're trying to be consistent with these methods from the beginning. I just wonder if in the future if this is going to get harder, like when the new 'honeymoon' nature of the relationship wears off. Is he going to be this accommodating when I go from being the new girlfriend to the old lady?

 

[Bilby]

I wish I had definitive answers for you, but unfortunately I don't. I think the thing to bare in mind, is that you've addressed his lashing out and you've seen the benefits of that. You've now addressed the disappearing incident, the first time that it happened, and hopefully you will have your needs met as far as communication.

I think you should feel pleased with yourself for addressing these things so early on as it's not something a lot of us do, I don't think.

I'd like to think that over time, if these boundaries have been in place from the beginning, and that you continue to communicate assertively/respectfully, that even despite the honeymoon period being over, these things remain in tact. That's the way it basically works in any relationship - PTSD or not :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I hope so! I was lucky enough to have stumbled onto this site the first time we had a PTSD-related issue, and I learned about the boundaries. The eggshells are always there but I guess they are thinner on the floor at times :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

If I may offer advice from a sufferers perspective. It is very positive that you both talk and have found compromises. But the idea that you are being abused because he needs space is an unhealthy perspective to view him or PTSD from.

When a honeymoon period is over, both partners tend to want to try less and expect more. Too few boundaries can lead to you being too anxious to continue in the relationship. But too many expectations could lead to him being too ill to stay.

At the moment, the compromises he is making take enormous amounts of energy for someone with PTSD.

I went on holiday with a woman with MS, it's a muscle wasting disorder and when she pushed herself and did a lot in the morning, she would need to sleep from afternoon through to the next day. Her family missed her presence and felt upset that she couldn't get up and spend time with them. But they understood that to her walking 10 steps was like walking a mile to them. Thankfully, unlike MS PTSD can improve, but it is a demanding illness that takes a lot of energy to deal with, and there is only so much energy to give to other areas of life.

So keeping quiet when he feels like screaming, or making that text when he wants to isolate are quite big things at those times. To do those things for you is him giving because he cares enough. That's perhaps a healthier way of viewing it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

But the idea that you are being abused because he needs space is an unhealthy perspective to view him or PTSD from.

Nobody ever said that him needing space was abusive. That I can understand. He can tell me he needs space anytime, and I have no issue with that at all.

However, when a sufferer takes off for a period of time with no word, no explanation, or no contact at all, that is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. From the point of view of a supporter, that is one nasty period of time worrying yourself sick if your loved one is dead, sick, hurt, off their meds, or in dangerous situations. That is absolutely no way to treat a loved one.

 

[elove]

We have already had the boundary-setting session when it came to his lashing out.

I'm interested in this "boundary-setting session." Can you tell me more about this, please?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm interested in this "boundary-setting session." Can you tell me more about this, please?

Basically when we had an episode where he was being nasty to me and lashing out, I removed myself from the situation. I told him that I love him, but I am not willing to listen to him while he is lashing out at me. I told him when he was calm he could get a hold of me. Then I didn't contact him or see him for the next day until he had settled down. Granted, my sufferer and I do not live together yet, so this was easier for me than for a spouse or live-in partner.

Then while we were both calm, we had a give and take discussion. It's very different from the way you would normally argue or 'lay down the law' with a non-sufferer. It's more of a negotiation and compromise. I had to tell him that I do not appreciate him lashing out at me or blaming me for things that I didn't do (basically the conclusions that the PTSD monster led him to). In turn he had to educate me on how I may inadvertently be a stressor to him. Then we had to agree to a way to handle that situation if it ever happened again.

For example, he was already stressed about his ex taking him to court and not letting him see his child. At this time I was getting ready for a yard sale and going through my kids' old baby clothes reminiscing and remembering how cute they were at those ages. Well in his mind, I was rubbing it in that I had my kids and he didn't have his son. In my mind, I was talking about my kids, and that had absolutely no connection to him, his ex, or his son. I never considered that, or intended to hurt him. But the way that those signals run around his brain, he got angry and agitated, then lashed out at me for being an insensitive ass.

We had to agree to put the brakes on things early, and be calm about the process. Like now, he can ask me to change the subject at any time with no questions asked. He does have to be blatant about it though, because I may miss it if he is subtle. He will say "I need to change the subject now," and I know that he is starting to get uncomfortable. That's his boundary for me.

My boundary for him is that I do not tolerate lashing out. I refuse to engage him when he starts in. I simply say "I can't talk to you anymore until you are calm," and then I remove myself. He hasn't called me names yet (like I said earlier in the thread, we are still in a fairly new relationship), but he knows that this is a 100% no-go. Just because you are a supporter does not mean that you have to be a doormat.

So far this method has been working for us. It seems a little cold and clinical, but we consider it the 'business' of dealing with PTSD. It's a little hard to learn to be calm and rational about it. Trust me, I tend to run a little hot-blooded, and sometimes I have to get in my car and take a drive through the country screaming obscenities with my windows rolled up. But engaging him would escalate to a whole load of sh*t in roughly 2.5 seconds. You just cannot argue with a sufferer and have it solve anything.

I hope this helps a little elove. It's totally a learning process. We mess up sometimes, but we both know that the other is trying.

 

[elove]

Thank you so much for your response! I completely understand what you mean when you say that "engaging him would escalate" things. I think that's been one of our issues. I want to retaliate, get it out in the open, and move on. I'm finally (after a LONG time) realizing this isn't how he deals and I'm really only making things worse. He doesn't call me names, but he sure can lash out. I hope to implement this into our relationship and see something positive from it. Thanks again!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Combat vets tend to get agitated and angry because they can't turn off the training. They are trained to be aggressive and fight in "fight or flight" situations. I know that my vet tends to get snippy and mean when stressed or triggered instead of sad or helpless. Arguing back just makes things sooooo much worse.

Good luck elove!

 

[Nicolette]

However, when a sufferer takes off for a period of time with no word, no explanation, or no contact at all, that is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. From the point of view of a supporter, that is one nasty period of time worrying yourself sick if your loved one is dead, sick, hurt, off their meds, or in dangerous situations. That is absolutely no way to treat a loved one.

Correct!

 

[Meadowsweet]

However, when a sufferer takes off for a period of time with no word, no explanation, or no contact at all, that is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. From the point of view of a supporter, that is one nasty period of time worrying yourself sick if your loved one is dead, sick, hurt, off their meds, or in dangerous situations. That is absolutely no way to treat a loved one.

Only he knows what is in his mind, and you have shared that he has an adverse reaction to the responsibility that a relationship brings. So his mind might be saying that he is not good enough, that you are better off without him, perhaps he has seen friends die in combat and feels that he doesn't deserve you, or even that something awful might happen to you if he sticks around.

In my experience, those self de-valueing thoughts are often what is behind the desire to hide away and contact no-one. That's not passive aggressive. It can be done out of love and feeling unworthy of it. Your feelings of being a victim could exacerbate that.

I'm not saying that it is what he thinks, I don't know that. Maybe he is angry and thinking that he just wants to make you sweat, and that would be passive-aggressive - but nothing you've said supports that. And given how willing he is to compromise and how well he has maintained it, it seems that he is putting in a great deal of effort for you.

I accept that it is hard for you. It is hard for everybody involved. But to appreciate that he is putting in enormous effort for this relationship, is what I felt would help you most regarding your concerns about the future.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your feelings of being a victim could exacerbate that.

I wouldn't say it was being a victim, as much as it is standing up for yourself. Supporters always run the risk of being a doormat, and that is not good for them or their sufferer if the goal is a healthy relationship. Without boundaries things can get very co-dependent quickly.

I do get your meaning though Meadowsweet... I realize that he was going through something that I couldn't understand when he disappeared.