World Would Be Better Without Me

[Niall]

Every day now I am getting suicidal thoughts, or just feeling I should cut myself off from everyone.

My girlfriend and I are trying to start a future together but I cannot find a job to get me off the ground so I can afford to move out of my parent's. Even still, most days I can't motivate myself to apply and so I never get anything done.

My family are struggling with bill and I am only other person to suck up money from them and making it more difficult.

I don't see why I should continue being here if all I will be is a burden on everyone else.

 

[Cynsoul]

I have a very similar situation now. My boyfriend has this problem, and I can tell it's hard on him. I'll tell you what I tell him as much as possible. I love my boyfriend, whether or not he is employed. I know how difficult it is to not be contributing, but we do what we can and that's what is important. That shows we care. Even if it's just side jobs, or helping a family member when they're down,tidying the house, it shows that you're doing your best.

Hang in there, talk with your girlfriend. I'm sure she will reassure you that she has nothing but love and patience for your situation, and your state of mind. You must try not to beat yourself up. Depression is not an easy foe, and until you address the source of your depression, the cycle will continue.

 

[Niall]

Problem is that each day I tell myself to do all this job and work stuff and it never ends up getting done, starting to feel this will never change.

I have spoken to my girlfriend briefly and she says I'm not a burden or anything but I still feel in the long term she'd be better off without me. Even if we get over things now I still feel I will always be this lazy and pathetic and so will hold her back for the rest of her life.

 

[InHell11]

I feel this way a lot even when other people try telling me I'm not a burden and they want to help. Anyways one idea not saying you have to but if you're PTSD is what gets in the way of you working you could consider SSI maybe that is kind of what I am down to so its the only real advice I have. Otherwise I guess you have to find away to motivate yourself to go out and really try and get a job.....or you could maybe try therapy or meds to help make you more functional to easier find a job. But I wont tell you doing these things will make these feelings go away because even when I've tried that I still get to feeling that way.

 

[RockyMtnHigh]

I have similar problems. I don't know if I want to die, but I sure don't want to live like this anymore. I made the mistake of leaving because I didn't want to be a burden any longer to my family. Notice I said mistake because then I was all alone and even more isolated. I live in a remote mtn community where neighbors want their privacy. Sometimes I don't talk to another human being for 4-5 days. If I were to die tonight, it would be days before anyone realized. I really miss having a life and being productive.

I can only make suggestions, but try to stay in a relationship or at least not run away from it. You're not a burden because you have people that care for you and haven't given up on you, like I had. Hang in there and if you can get your girlfriend to go to therapy with you everyone will have a better understanding and, most importantly, can set reasonable expectations.

 

[ms spock]

Suicidal ideation is difficult to deal with - certainly followed me around this week. Are you in therapy to get some assistance with this? I know how this feels.

 

[mamachick]

One of the highest risks for suicide is feeling like a burden. I you are unable to contribute financially at the moment, there are so many other ways to contribute to the good of a relationship and family. I sure cant criticize because I cant get past this either.

 

[saffy]

she says I'm not a burden or anything

Depression is a terrible thing to cope with. All the negative thoughts about yourself will be intensified and because of the depression you loose all motivation and worth. These are typical signs of depression, which may or may not lead to suicidal thoughts.

One of the hardest things to do is to beleive that others are being genuine when they say things because your own self loathing beleives they cannot possibly be right. You loose the ability to trust what others are saying.

This must be hard for you girlfirend too, she cannot say anything positive or good about you and you might just think that she must be 'just being nice'. However, she is not there because she thinks you are a looser, far from it, she is there because she can see beyond your self loathing and see a decent bloke she wants to be with. Sometimes it is as easy as that. Im sure she will be devistated to loose you, by whatever means!

Feeling that there is no point or putting off doing anything is typical of someone depressed, you think there is no point or you will just fail. But I should think that you beat yourself up more for just sitting there and not trying rather than trying and maybe failing a few times?

I hope you get the help you need and can learn to look forward at positive paths to take rather than negative ones.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I so understand this. Well, experience it.

I don't know what stops it except in my case to hear otherwise. Not reassurance but like you really don't know if the answer has changed. Maybe because the 'rules' or feedback always changed? Idk, I can't quite wrap my head around it. But somehow, apart from depression and self-worth, (or self-rejection), it seems like the fear always remains.

 

[saffy]

I understand that fear and anxiety can be really hard to deal with especially if you also have Depression.

I read this really interesting abstract today. It is said that there are three fundemental fears. The fear of injury, the fear of anxiety, and the fear of negative evaluation. The ASI ( Anxiety sensitivity index) measures Individual differences in the fear of anxiety responses. Anxiety sensitivity is strongly associated with fearfullness. (James Reiss: clinical psychology review 1991)
A better understanding of the causes of PTSD may lead to more effective treatments. Available research suggests that anxiety sensitivity may play an important role and that treatments that directly target anxiety sensitivity (such as interoceptive exposure) may improve outcome, particularly if these treatments are implemented before commencing trauma-related exposure therapy. (Steven Taylor Journal of Cognitive Psychology 2003)
Interoceptive exposure aims to recreate internal physical sensations within a patient in a controlled environment. Here is a really good article : http://ptsd.about.com/od/CBTforPTSD/a/InteroceptiveExposureandProlongedExposure.htm

Depression and PTSD is commonly linked. Therefore treatement for both is recommended. The symptoms of depression can be personally recognised in most people suffering, we are not alone. So combine those with symptoms of anxiety it is not suprising we do not function well at present.
Here is something I read earlier : http://ptsd.about.com/od/CBTforPTSD/a/InteroceptiveExposureandProlongedExposure.htm

Ironically it is this depression and anxiety that influences your thoughts and behaviour and so you stop yourself going forward. Thinking there is no going forward fuels your depression and anxiety. And so things repeat themselves over again. Because they both fuel each other it makes sense to at least work on one to improve the other. The final decision and choice has to be yours in the end. I think that makes sense.

I'm not sure if what I have said has any bearings for you but I find the more I understand about it the more certain things start to make sense and so there is less confusion for me to worry about too. I know work on my depression and symptoms and this helps me go forward and definately improve in ways, slowely but surely. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Shellbell]

I am a burden on everyone too. Useless wife, mother. Friends only pity me these days. Only my 10 yr old son would really miss me if I were gone. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. It's too hard and too painful.

 

[saffy]

Hi Shellbell,

It sounds like you must have a really low opinion of yourself and probably a lot of inner conflict. By whose standards are you useless?

You have a 10year old son who loves you and would miss you, you must have done something pretty amazing bringing him up, its hard work bringing children up.

best wishes
Saffy :)