Veryanxious24
New Here
Hi everyone
I want to prefice this by saying I've had longstanding issues with alcohol abuse, depression and severe anxiety/PTSD (mostly from abandonment issues on my father's side and being sexually taken advantage of by another boy over the course of at least 5 years between ages 10-15). I'm male in my mid 20s
I'm posting here because guilt/remorse/fear/disgust is eating away at me. About a month ago I was on a particularly bad drinking session where I had a LOT to drink. By about 10pm I decided I'd go out to buy more alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately on returning I realised I'd forgotten my keys and my housemate wasn't due home until closer to midnight.
I noticed one of my neighbors that I'm friendly with was still up putting their bins out, so I asked if I could come in while waiting for my housemate (Apologising like hell for the rude disturbance etc.) They said I was welcome and we shared some of the beer I bought from the store and talked. The neighbour has 3 daughters - 1 is my age and moved away, one is 19 and one is 15.
I was chatting with the mom and two younger daughters who were the ones home. Anyway one of the daughters was sitting next to me on the couch and offered to share a blanket as it was cold, which we did. Long story short, I must've thought in my drunken lizard brain way that she was into me instead of just being polite. I remember (or think I remember... I was very drunk) putting a hand on her knee and lightly stroking her leg at one point. Probably for like 10 seconds or so (but again, honestly cannot remember and everytime I try to I seem to get more muddled). Later on that night the sisters were arguing over something with the one who WASN'T sitting next to me in the blanket saying, "[NAME]... you don't know what you're talking about, you're only 15".
I sobered up pretty quickly at that point.
We end up talking for another couple of hours til my housemate comes home and I can get in to my place.
Needless to say next day I felt physically sick with what I'd done and the ramifications of that (less so for me - I'm the idiot in the wrong here - more so for her as I know first hand the impact this kind of thing can have on a child). I brought some flowers to the family to say thank you for being so kind in having me, and apologised for coming to their place in that drunken state, and if I made anybody uncomfortable. The mom told me "Don't be stupid" and "I'm welcome anytime - everyone enjoyed having you just make sure to drink lots of water today!"
So I'm wracking my mind here. I find what I did completely abhorrent and would never dream of doing something like that 'normally', and yet it happened. It's given me the final push I needed to get sober to be honest, and I haven't touched alcohol for a month since. But I feel so so terrible, and I guess I just don't know what to do as I've been having panic attacks, not slept, been sloppy at work (and I'm a mechanic I can't make mistakes it puts people at risk), not eaten properly. Of course I'm not the victim here - I've seen them since and just been polite and friendly and they've reciprocated. I just don't know what to do...
Sorry about the long message. And sorry if this triggered anything for anyone.
I want to prefice this by saying I've had longstanding issues with alcohol abuse, depression and severe anxiety/PTSD (mostly from abandonment issues on my father's side and being sexually taken advantage of by another boy over the course of at least 5 years between ages 10-15). I'm male in my mid 20s
I'm posting here because guilt/remorse/fear/disgust is eating away at me. About a month ago I was on a particularly bad drinking session where I had a LOT to drink. By about 10pm I decided I'd go out to buy more alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately on returning I realised I'd forgotten my keys and my housemate wasn't due home until closer to midnight.
I noticed one of my neighbors that I'm friendly with was still up putting their bins out, so I asked if I could come in while waiting for my housemate (Apologising like hell for the rude disturbance etc.) They said I was welcome and we shared some of the beer I bought from the store and talked. The neighbour has 3 daughters - 1 is my age and moved away, one is 19 and one is 15.
I was chatting with the mom and two younger daughters who were the ones home. Anyway one of the daughters was sitting next to me on the couch and offered to share a blanket as it was cold, which we did. Long story short, I must've thought in my drunken lizard brain way that she was into me instead of just being polite. I remember (or think I remember... I was very drunk) putting a hand on her knee and lightly stroking her leg at one point. Probably for like 10 seconds or so (but again, honestly cannot remember and everytime I try to I seem to get more muddled). Later on that night the sisters were arguing over something with the one who WASN'T sitting next to me in the blanket saying, "[NAME]... you don't know what you're talking about, you're only 15".
I sobered up pretty quickly at that point.
We end up talking for another couple of hours til my housemate comes home and I can get in to my place.
Needless to say next day I felt physically sick with what I'd done and the ramifications of that (less so for me - I'm the idiot in the wrong here - more so for her as I know first hand the impact this kind of thing can have on a child). I brought some flowers to the family to say thank you for being so kind in having me, and apologised for coming to their place in that drunken state, and if I made anybody uncomfortable. The mom told me "Don't be stupid" and "I'm welcome anytime - everyone enjoyed having you just make sure to drink lots of water today!"
So I'm wracking my mind here. I find what I did completely abhorrent and would never dream of doing something like that 'normally', and yet it happened. It's given me the final push I needed to get sober to be honest, and I haven't touched alcohol for a month since. But I feel so so terrible, and I guess I just don't know what to do as I've been having panic attacks, not slept, been sloppy at work (and I'm a mechanic I can't make mistakes it puts people at risk), not eaten properly. Of course I'm not the victim here - I've seen them since and just been polite and friendly and they've reciprocated. I just don't know what to do...
Sorry about the long message. And sorry if this triggered anything for anyone.
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