Worried - Possible Abusive Relationship?

[Ryn]

Thank you all so much for your advice and thoughts. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I talked about this later today with my parents, who have also met this guy, and they feel the same way. We are going to continue to talk about it and decide if we should intervene in some way. The rest of the extended family seems to adore the man so we're not sure exactly how to handle
it, but we all agree that she deserves better than this asshole. And that it might be very bad news if she does end up marrying him. :(

 

[cakes]

I can't fathom standing by while someone does that to a dog. My Dad is not a violent man at all but you can bet a man doing that around him he'd of flipped out. Actually he would have been scary calm.

Hell, I would have kicked him. I'm not violent either but I can't be scary calm like my father.

Anyway yes the poster above had it right. He tested out being violent and abusive to her dog right in front of everyone and got away with it - he now has the green light to treat her as he pleases and once she is loaded down with kids she is in deep do.

Y'all need to do an intervention!

 

[selfcompassion]

Hi all,

This situation may come to nothing after all, so this may just be me getting my thoughts out, but I...

Oh, you are so very spot on. She needs to run and run fast. He is probably a cluster B type...narcissist, borderline, antisocial, addict, etc.
This is a hard situation, because if she is a codependent, warnings usually are ignored. I'm a recovering codependent due to preverbal trauma. These types of abusers are attracted to us like we are heroine, and vice versa. It is a typical dance that is done.
Until she is aware of her issues, she will always be taken in by these types.
Melanie Evans addresses narcissistic abuse on Ytube. So does Ross Rosenberg.

 

[Knak]

I would ask her some questions, like "What do you think of this man's treatment of your dog?" "Do yo...

I agree. There is a significant correlation between animal abuse and violence to humans, other crime and even serial killing. There are many articles if you google animal abuse.
As for being a one way servant without reciprocation - it is an issue for me personally. It leads to feeling used. Victimizers pick up on it and take advantage of a needy person, especially narcissistic abusers who will drain you and create an emotional prison you can't escape.
I know. I am in that situation.
I liked the reply that said she was warned but went ahead with no bad feelings and was sorry she didn't heed the warning.

 

[Knak]

SO ... Been on the OTHER side of that equation. Married the abusive asshat. I've always been prett...

I am still married 30 years wishing I could get out and wonder if anyone besides my mother (who abused me) saw a problem. Most who knew him over 20 years thought he was an outstanding Christian leader.

 

[Knak]

Thank you all so much for your advice and thoughts. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I talked abo...

Nobody wants to go to her funeral.

 

[Powder]

Too often I've seen when someone does try to speak up and the person simply isn't ready for the truth that it's disappointing. If you and/or others intervene, keep in mind, it may not go well, and the person you are trying to help may withdraw and further isolate from healthy others. This could make for an even better, more isolated, victim. So, asking if it's okay to make a candid observation first, and gaining the promise that this wont' come between you would be mildly precautionary.

Why does the obviousness need to be pointed out? Because some things are not obvious, and the person has already messed with the head of the person to the point they question their own perception of reality. Or may not be in a good place to recognize what is happening around them.

Back to my first point, I have not found a good way to cut through and get through to a brainwashed or narrow-perspective-state person like this who is about to pitch themselves headlong into a world of pain. Nothing cuts through and they aren't prepared to see the problem yet.

Haven't you noticed how the truth is the most offensive thing in the world to the ear when the mind and heart is not ready to hear it?

 

[Knak]

When all was said and done, I no longer considered those people my friends.
Each one of them has i...

I agree. I am at the point where I feel nobody is more important than my relationship with God. He is the example of love I use to compare other people's statements or actions. The only thing I have is my self honesty and love for the good in others and I need to protect it. I'd rather be alone than act out someone's illusion. I'd rather speak the truth even when it's not welcome.
It comes down to pay now or pay later after the damage has accumulated.
I see a lot of (justified) anger from those with experience in this topic.

 

[Knak]

)-: yes his treatment of the dog says it all. Personally I think the first part is a bad sign too. I agre...

This is what they should teach you in high school - real life.

 

[Ryn]

can't fathom standing by while someone does that to a dog

I agree - I actually wasn't in the room for either of his dog "disciplines" but got told about it later. If I were there I'd have definitely said/done something. Funnily enough among all those people it was my grandmother (who loves the guy and doesn't really like this dog) who stepped up to him and snapped at him very ferociously to stop. He was very polite and obeyed, according to those who told me about this, but she is the beloved matriarch so I'm not really sure he had any other options.

This is a hard situation, because if she is a codependent, warnings usually are ignored.

That's so true and it's really hard. I don't know what to do, really. I don't think I mentioned before, but another difficult factor is that my relative and I live far away from one another (5+ hours) and I almost never see her, twice or three times a year maybe. I am no longer emotionally close to her because of some difficult times in our friendship so we almost never text or call one another either. If she weren't my family I probably would have drifted away from her many years ago, but our extended family is very close and of course I really care about her and am worried.

So while yeah, I feel like I should warn her and counsel her and try to get her away from him, I am nervous because 1) I don't feel I have any sort of authority to do so because we aren't even really friends anymore, and 2) our tentative relationship (and probably my relationships with the rest of her family) would almost certainly be damaged if I tried to make any accusation against her boyfriend. He's a hero and practically savior to everyone there, they adore him. So I don't even know if trying to warn/help her in that way would do more harm than good.

I feel powerless in worrying from afar, seeing her only a few times a year, not really able to (as someone suggested) take her out for coffee to talk about it or try to rekindle our friendship (which honestly I'm not sure would be good for either of us). I wish we had more mutual friends so I could try to reach through them to get to her. I have a couple people in mind so maybe I'll talk to them and see if they are feeling the same way. I don't know. I don't know her friends very well and it might just all backfire on me anyway.

Ugh. :cry:

 

[bluebird]

(((Ryn)))

I understand your concern. I´ve been where your cousin is, somehow. When I was in an abusive relationship, I somehow suggested it to a cousin, but we were both too young to even know what abuse was, so she was not able to give me any advice. Later, I lied to her, telling her everything was fine. Still, I was glad I had the chance to share a bit of it with somebody else.
It is very difficult situation... Somehow, although she offered help, I was not able to see I needed it, that I deserved something better. But, several years later, when I was in another abusive relationship (what a suprise!), I talked to her about being afraid of this boy and she told me I can´t be dating somebody who makes me scared to death, and I saw her point, this time. I have found the courage to end this relationship.

I think others can offer help, insight... but the person needs to see herself as a victim of the abuse, they had to see the abuser in negative way, which can be difficult for them. The first time I was so deep in Stockholm syndrome I rather lied to somebody who offered help. When some people told me I didn´t have to stay in one house with my granduncle, I laughed at them. Now, I can see their point.

There are things you can try to do; but your cousin might not be open to your words. Not your fault, not her fault... just being stuck too deep in the world no one should ever be put into.

Contacing some of her friends sounds like a good idea, especially if they can spend more time with her.

The things other people do are not your fault. Please, remember that. Take care.

 

[Marie Miguel]

Hi Ryn, when I am reading the story I can't help myself but worry..marrying with a tough attibute, she might ended herself a battered wife. Try to advise her and bring her life into a reality world. Don't stop trying and pray for her, God listens! Good luck