Sufferer Worst Year Of My Life

[tassarax]

I have chronic PTSD from traumatic experiences I've had continuously all my life and that effect me to this very day and probably always will.
I'm 20 and in college and though my whole life has been pretty meh, this year was the absolute worst.
In January I went through a major depressive episode and tried to kill myself despite it being my freshman year in college, having tons of friends and a boyfriend. My life was the best it's been but I still couldn't take it and tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills for what seemed like the zillionth time except this time it actually worked. I took sleeping pills, zofran for nausea that makes you drowsy and all of my anxiety meds. My boyfriend at the time witnessed me pass out and called an ambulance and I was transported to a hospital where I almost died but didn't unfortunately.
I got baker-acted for the third time and when I got out, though there's a whole story there too but it's too long to type, all of my friend's were scared of me and abandoned me for each other, my boyfriend couldn't handle it and broke up with me. Everything was falling to pieces.
I started acting impulsively. Having a one-night-stand, something I'd never do, offering sex to a stranger, trying to kill myself over and over though I never had enough pills and was too scared to do anything else, cutting myself etc. I medically withdrew from school to take a break, I was failing all of my classes.
I started talking to my now boyfriend of 6 months or so, Chris, at the end of February but then my mom got sick in March. She had stage 4 lung cancer that had moved to her brain. I always knew my mom had been sick but she was a nurse herself with her own trauma throughout her life and refused help. I'd known she was going to die since I was very young, with her smoking so much and drinking so much and passing out on the couch every night.
I tried to kill myself again because of this and because of me doing that, I was baker-acted again missed the only time left she had to actually speak to me, only seeing her the day she died where she couldn't speak to me at all because of her brain being so gone. All she could do was smile.
She died three weeks after she was diagnosed, though everyone told me she'd be okay, maybe 6 months to live at least, but I knew better. March 29th and I watched it all happen. I will never get the image of her dying out of my head. Watching my mother who was with me through absolutely everything, no matter how much pain I'd caused her from being so depressed, be so scared and not being able to breathe and reaching out for my dad and me and my 2 older sisters was the worst thing I've ever witnessed.
It's been so hard coping with this. My therapist decided to quit on me because she was starting a new business or something so I've been alone with all of this.
My dad is inherently insensitive and doesn't help in that area and my sisters have their own lives.
So I decided to get an emotional support animal. I've had cats all my life and I'm a very nurturing person. I also have to be taking care of something else (co-dependency from my mom's alcoholism probably).
She was from a kill shelter, just a kitten, and she was terrified of people but Chris and I got her because she always made lots of eye contact and she was so expressive.
She was my baby. I loved her so much and she helped me through so much for about 6 months until 2 days ago when she died from lung disease (the vets that barely tried to do anything said anyway).
I honestly am just so depressed. Not seeing her run up to me when I get out of the shower or when I open the door and not being able to play with her or have her sit on my lap is just devastating. It's effecting me just as much as my mom dying did. I'm a very sensitive person whether from life or just immaturity but I am just so sad I can't imagine not being depressed about this one day.
I saw this website while trying to find something to help me cope with her death and figured this site might help with everything else as well.

It's November, and this year is ending soon and I can't wait for it to be over.

 

[Ronin]

Welcome, @danniinnab :)

Glad you're still alive. I'm sorry for your losses.

Please hang in there, whatever it takes to get through the day, and then the next. Glad you've come to us.

 

[tassarax]

Thank you I'm trying

 

[Ka-9]

Hey Danni, sorry for what you're experiencing.

I think you had a great instinctual decision with seeking some comfort in animals. I don't think I'd be here without my animals, and looking out the window....I realize I've literally created a petting farm.

I had severe damages from animal loss, but I still forced myself to add another when one would pass. I think it helps me accept the realities of existence, while realizing the moments of love you give any animal literally exist forever.

If that was an instinctual feeling, I'd follow it. Cats, horse therapy, whatever. I just think it forces us to put ourselves into proper perspective when we agree to sacrifice in any manner for a different species....

 

[GrayOwl]

This website is a lifesaver. Literally.

That is a beautiful picture of your friend. Do you realize you were her support human? The best days of her life were spent after you rescued her. A life she would have never had otherwise.

There are days in my life where the only thing that I may have on earth is what I can give to another. I agree, life can seem really sucky some days. Sometimes I can only smile or wish somebody else a G'day. Everybody and everything in my life might seem so distant and life is an endless black hole - but that's when I give away. A smile, a kind word, a compliment. It gets me out of myself. If I can do it I get out and do service work - sometimes the really tough stuff depending on how I feel. I make a weekly or even daily habit of calling someone in need, asking how their day is going, and listening for their answer. I volunteer with alkies and druggies and help with counselling (I used to be one). I actually do it selfishly cuz I've found that most of the time when I listen to them I realize my life is much better today than I am really thinking it is. It's selfish in a way but also it's not, if you get what I mean. I seem to get way more out of it than I put in. And if I keep at it habitually it is like an attitude adjustment insurance policy - it seems to keep my head above the Si/depression state.

You've been through a lot. Don't doubt it. Mom and Dad, cancer, death, college, moving, these are all major events/trauma not to be underestimated. You are a lot lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don't know what else to say, but that it is true. That is a lot. You have strengths and reasons to live. Finding those and developing those into a wholesome meaningful happy life is totally possible. It can be a tough road. Frightening at times. You seem to be quite able to communicate well, intelligent. You apparently can make friends and get boyfriends....all good things. I hate to sound like Yoda but many things worth having in life just take a little more time than we are willing to give them. We get so used to TV and mass media (UNreality TV shows) that tell us everything should just happen instantly - otherwise our whole world is this giant black hole. But it is not. Patience. It really really #@%$#@ me off when I have to wait or be depressed. But that part of life teaches me coping skills and how to reach out.

There is another critter out there who could really use a support human. Perhaps you'll come along for them at the right time. Maybe some afternoon you could call one of your older sisters just to ask her how she's doing with things, and allow her 30 minutes just to vent. Maybe you already do that. It's a tough thing to do. I'm still learning it. Listening is tough. One thing somebody asked me to do once was to make a list of ten things I am grateful for. It was kind of a mood improvement assignment. I wanted to tell them where to get off! I still have that list ten years later. Once I sat down and thought about it and made the list, life seemed much better. I found there really was some neat stuff, neat feelings, and some cool people in my life. Also, get out for a little sunshine when you can. It generates good stuff.

I probably wrote way too much. Sorry for that. But I hope you'll stick around if you think it will help. You have been through a lot and you place yourself in danger. There is good support here. Good people. Good ideas. I hope things look better and work out better for you in all ways. Soon.

 

[tassarax]

Yeah I've really been struggling with the idea of getting another pet so quickly. They help me so much but I don't want to feel as if I'm replacing her because she meant so much to me. Is it a good idea to get another pet?

 

[tassarax]

@GrayOwl

This helped a lot, thank you. I'll make sure to do all of these things this was very helpful thank you so much.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Welcome @danniinnab
I'm sorry for everything you've been through.
This site is the best for support.
Your kitty was beautiful and put into your life for a reason, even though it was such a short time.
I agree with the others that getting another one, or even two, would probably do a world of good, including giving you something to live for in those darkest moments. My cats have kept me alive for 13 years.

 

[tassarax]

@Shells
Okay thank you for the reassurance, I was feeling very worried about getting another one, thank you

 

[Ka-9]

@danniinnab

Hey I literally had a dog that I trusted my life too, and sadly he was killed..... and after grieving as the body must, I picked myself up and knew that there was another dog waiting that no one in the world could treat better than I could.

I make it more about the animal than myself...... so his/her happiness outweighs mine juuust slightly. If you can convince yourself that that animal enjoyed happiness it wouldn't have without you, regardless how long it lives?.....then you're ready to help a new one in my humble opinion. I have a new yearling colt....off a slaughter feedlot. If he only lived 5 years with me....that's 5 years of pure happiness, play and safety he'd have never known. Likely hell live 30.

 

[Morphius]

Hey @danniinnab,

It looks like you've been through so much in your life at such a young age and I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about all of your losses. As I was reading all you wrote, a lot of parts would tug at my heartstrings. You're truly brave for sharing all of this and wanting to get better. You're strong and honestly you've inspired me, today.

That is such a cute picture of your pet! :hug: It's so amazing that you saved your pet's life and showed her a good life. I'm sure her life wouldn't have turned out the same without you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and all of your losses. It's just... I'm baffled. You have been through so much regarding trauma, relationships, college. Yet you're writing here today and I can see the positivity flow through the words you write.

I know it isn't the same, but perhaps getting a new pet will help you? I myself am considering a therapy cat. I hear they help a lot of trauma survivors, so I'm giving it a try.

I really wish there was something I could say that would change how you're feeling, but just know that you're not alone and you have people here who really do care about you. Please keep on rockin!' Hugs if you allow them.:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Welcome to the forum.