General Would Like Some Advice And Support, Ldr With Girl Who Has Ptsd

[MCT91]

Hello all, I was in a rut myself when I stumbled upon this cute girl online. At first we sent messages back and forth, just talking to fill in time. She was a pretty cool person so we moved to texting and phone conversations, as I was looking for new friends to talk to, I was going through depression. Over a few months she would open up more and more, we really connected so we decided to begin a relationship over distance. I knew at that point a decision had to be made because I could tell there was a lot underlying being a sufferer of extreme depression in the past. I couldn't have fully prepared myself with what came in store, I just knew I wanted to be there for her, as a friend. I saw myself reflected and knew in some ways I could assist. She is a sufferer of PTSD from 4 years prior, as a result she went through an extremely abusive and hellish relationship(which involved much violence, also resulting in a miscarriage). She goes through bouts of depression(although since we began talking a year ago it's become much better) and has suicidal tendencies(has made a few attempts in the past few years) it took time to build up trust to let me in and when a trigger comes up or a situation of extreme stress arises it's noticeable because her responses change, mood changes, and the slightest thing erupts into her telling me to leave her alone, we're over, several times she's going to kill herself. It drains me ever so much because the emotional stress becomes great, especially being so far away I can't physically help her. As far as her drawing away, pushing me away at times I understand. I've made visits and we get along ever so perfectly, just in her episodes it takes a lot out of me and it takes a good deal of me talking her down before she eventually comes back to and usually apologizes. Since the relationship my stress level has rose(which I suppose is expected), my sleep patterns have changed(she has trouble sleeping alone and at times wakes up with sleep paralysis) so we sleep on the phone, when she has a nightmare or begins to have problems due to painful memories she wakes me up and I talk her through till we can go back to sleep. I constantly compliment her to help keep confidence, I try to always ask her about her day and occasionally I ask if there's anything on her mind that she wants to talk about. I don't try to pry too much because she will shut down if pushed too much. The only thing is she has me for whatever but who do I talk to about some things? I love her and we wish to pursue a lasting relationship but at times I get aggravated and stressed. She has her baggage and I have mine(however small in comparison)I accept that but I would like to hear any advice on the matter

 

[Mishap]

What I am hearing is you aren't getting what you need from this relationship. You're giving everything you have to her and getting nothing in return and it's less than what you want and need. Do you have a therapist? Does she? You say you were a sufferer of extreme depression in the past. Is that completely resolved? I guess my biggest question is are you truly in a place to help her, because from what you've said here it sounds as if you may need help yourself?

Those of us with PTSD need a lot of support. If we don't have a support system it can fall heavily on our significant other. It sounds like this may be the case here. Does she have family or friends who live near her that also support her? My number one suggestion would be to recommend a therapist for both of you if you don't already have one. Even if your issues are resolved, being with someone who has PTSD can't be easy and a therapist trained in PTSD techniques can also help family members cope. I'm sure others will have more ideas and thoughts for you, but that's what I'm thinking at this point.

 

[MCT91]

She isn't seeing one now, she has her older brother she talks with about most things. She hasn't seen one in I would have to say a while before we started talking. This is also the first real relationship she's had, as past relations with guys have been more of a need for attention and she used sex as her way of feeling better. I have thought about seeking counseling and suggesting to her, and I have as well for the most part overcome my own depression. The way my counselor described it, for me it is a recurring thing. I learned how to get myself out of my down moods, I had trouble functioning until then. I guess the reason this bears down on me so much is because I'm one of the few she has and she trusts, making me a strong tower so to say. Only reason I don't try to take more approaches is due to an 1100 mile distance. Although I'm relocating in Spring to be closer and further the relationship, as well as support for her

 

[Mishap]

I would recommend returning to your counselor with this issue and getting his/her advice. You should certainly recommend that your gf seek therapy. You sound like a great guy who wants to be there for her, but you're still not getting what you need out of the relationship and that needs to be addressed. Until she's in a more stable place, she's not going to be present enough to provide that for you. You're either going to have to give up what you need, which will be detrimental to the relationship, or you'll have to get your support elsewhere, a counselor, other friends, family, etc. and not rely on her for it. Which may also be harmful to the relationship.

You can't be a strong tower if you're constantly battered and have no one to help you smooth over the rough patches you have yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If she isn't seeking therapy, then she isn't working on her own healing so much....I'm not saying that sufferers must *always* be in therapy, as that is not the case. Rather, your GF is still quite symptomatic and not seeking out help. It is not reasonable for her to expect those in her life (ie SO, family, friends) to give her all that she needs in order to heal. That's not how PTSD works, unfortunately. You can't be the one who always ensures that she sleeps all night long. You can't be the one who always lifts her up. Healing is her responsibility and she must learn to stand on her own two feet rather than depend on others.

 

[MCT91]

While I could certainly recommend her to counseling, I don't believe it would really do any good unfortunately as she can be quite stubborn. It'll be easier once I can be there and help her along, having someone she trusts with her might make her feel easier about it. She does however need some type of help beyond me as the number of events pounding at her are a lot. From her dad dying of cancer, to pressures of school, to past events weighing down, I know she needs more and I believe she does too but again it's hard to make pushes when it's as simple as hanging up the phone when upset. I myself...it's true sometimes I feel like have needs that don't get met...I'm happy though. When we talk or video chat and I see her face brighten up or her smile..I know I've truly made a difference and gave her hope that she can make it through these tough times

 

[MCT91]

To Solara, I do my best to give her tips on things that I've dealt with, and with some things that people I've known have dealt with. Most certainly, though, I agree you can't depend on others. I learned that with depression, with things as such you do need professional help, it's imperative to be able to stand on your own. At times I probably get sympathetic and put myself in more than I should. As a sufferer though what's the better way to make approaches to get you to counseling/therapy

 

[MCT91]

And to add, am I doing too much being as nice and exceptionally patient with her? I give her slack to let out feelings and give her room..is it wrong to always put her first, as I do love her but mainly because..well you know. Could it be that she wants the attention and I keep feeding it and hindering her?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you elaborate on your needs not getting met? Part of me thinks that you're in the honeymoon phase still and right now its ok that your needs aren't getting met, but if this continues, it may very well become a huge issue. I guess what I'm asking is what sort of needs aren't being met, and can you have these needs met elsewhere by other supportive friends or family members? I think there really is a fine line.....on one hand, no one person, not even a partner, can provide us with all of our needs, but on the other hand, some of those needs do indeed fall upon the partner and if the partner can't fulfill them, then there isn't much of a point in being with that person. (I hope I'm being clear!)

I think it is good to encourage her to go to therapy/counseling. I'm just worried that she won't ever go....well, it must be her choice to go as she must be motivated to heal.

I don't think there is a problem with being nice and supporting her. I would like to encourage you to have strong boundaries though. If there is a behavior that is unacceptable, then talk to her about it when you are both in a calm place, and let her know that if she exhibits XYZ behavior, then you will disengage at that time (or whatever). I do think that your partner should be an important part of your life and take priority over certain other things, but I don't think that means you should always put them first. That is, don't always be putting her needs above your own. Yes, she will have certain needs because of her trauma history, but at the same time, your needs are important, too, and you deserve to have your needs met.

You sound like quite a caring and supportive partner, and that is a good thing! I hope that you can find a good balance with your partner so that both of you are getting your needs met. Good luck!

 

[MCT91]

As far as my needs..well, generally they're met but in conversation sometimes she doesn't seem to want to hear about my day or when she's on the phone she won't be really paying attention. That's my thing, I need company, when she does that it's more of a rude gesture and seemingly a little disrespectful. I can understand and appreciate the fact that she may never be "normal"(what is that anyway) as her experiences helped mold her to some of the good qualities about her. She requires a little more attention(or maybe I just feel that way) we've talked a few times about the stress it causes me with working as much as I do(with my current job I'm working 12 hours a day approximately and am unavailable a couple extra hours) so communication is cut way down, my time to interact with friends, family, my free time is very small when the flood gates open up for flooring season. She says it's ok but I also notice her mood changing when we have very limited interaction. More or less just the distance part is the problem, but neither can help that right now. She is caring and attentive when I need it, our personalities match up good, I just need to be able to convince her to at least try to seek help besides me. It's hard loving someone who is not fully happy with their life. I've experienced the depression and the feelings of suicide several years ago and I sought the help of a psychologist first and two years after held sessions with a counselor. So I know parts of the pain she feels and that's what helps me help her through it but she needs more than me in that respect. I'm thinking that since she went through therapy before for the first traumatic experience she didn't need it after the other events, I don't dig too deep in that area over the phone that's things I would rather speak about in person. I appreciate the feedback though, from the both of you and anyone else if they decide to put in what they feel would be helpful

 

[MCT91]

And also something to ask about..it hasn't happened when we were together but she has told me about seizures she starting getting after physical trauma to the head from her ex. She used to get them frequently but since we met they've decreased and she's been without incident for a long period. She told me about a few occasions where after being taken to the hospital after a bad seizure she would wake up in a hallucination where her dad would appear as her ex boyfriend. Just curious as to if anyone knows whether the seizures would be stress/memory related? Has anyone dealt with this? To note the abuse she suffered was to include extreme physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I also believe that caused her sleeping problems as well as the sleep paralysis as it's also improved in the past year

 

[lizbabe]

Wow. I totally can relate and this really did touch my heart. Im proud of you for standing by her side. You both support and truly love each other. Have you tried going to counceling appointments with her. That may help. The abuse most likely did cause sleeping problems for her. Maybe have her start a trauma diary. That helped me alot. Ill try to help you so you can help her more or better. :)