Yoga and body memories

[Seasounds]

A few things:
1. i meant no disrespect.
2. There is absolutely value in tolerating triggering feelings, and there is absolutely value in not re-traumatizing oneself.
Individual discernment and exercising choice are necessary.
3. In more neutral terms, when I am working with a master in their field, and the master is not able to help me find a way to go about a movement without my getting triggered, after I explore the movement with the teacher and with myself, I have benefited from going to a more neutral professional who has a different set of eyes, who works with applying ergonomics (efficient and easeful muscle movement), like a Feldenkrais or Alexander Technique teacher.

This is what worked for me.

The thing that I discovered in my exploration, that I wanted to share, was that as I learned that I have a bit of "un-necessary muscular tightening" that is associated to the trigger. If I learn to undo the little bit of excess tension, in the muscular movement, the trigger doesn't happen.

It took me a while to seek someone's (second) opinion, as I trusted my expert teacher and my own abilities. My teacher just didn't have the 'extra' refinded awareness that I needed, and she didn't have the right words, to open the new door for me.

Thank you so much for you thread! It is good to know and find out how other people work through movement triggers.

 

[Chava]

She reiterated that we all have a choice as how to hold a pose and to go to resting whenever we want. That's just avoiding. I'm always avoiding.

I know this is just my take (and I'm Queen of Avoidance), but this doesn't totally sound like avoidance, or at least not in the negative sense, because it is countered by "choices." A big thing for me is learning when I have choices (vs feeling trapped) and taking care of myself by making a choice that keeps me safe.

So, maybe a balancing act. I hear you want to push yourself a bit. Dissociation is a bit too much. But if you are feeling grounded enough before those poses, maybe try and know your choices if you start losing touch....knowing those cues (when you're ungrounding) is an important bit of awareness in itself. Or, if you are feeling at all ungrounded before the challenging poses, make a choice that feels safe. So, yoga is really about listening to your body...not your mind and ideas of how it should go. If you feel safe, push yourself a bit. But tune in to the subtle cues that you might be slipping away. You can use all of this as a sort of practice this way.

I love yin yoga but my connective tissue is shit, so I can't stretch. But I love the slow practice, especially if a class feels small and safe. Glad you have this teacher and class that makes you feel safe enough to challenge yourself, even if the challenge is still huge at times.

 

[Chava]

p.s. there are a couple poses in yin yoga I never did and didn't miss them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks all. You've given me insight and some really good strategies to explore. I may post later. Right now it is dark out and our powers been off since 3:00. Can't see a thing.

 

[Care Bear]

@Chava you make a really good point. Thanks for reminding us of that.

@KwanYingirl I hope you get your power back soon!

 

[KwanYingirl]

My body memories are off the chart. I don't see how tuning into it can give me any mastery over it. Basically, I just prefer not to feel anything. Am I the only one that went through two pregnancies and never felt the babies in me? Can I shut down any more than I have? I have friends who could feel themselves ovulating. I can even shut down urinating when I'm in shut down. I guess all I can do is carry on with the practice, keep reminding myself that my abuse is over, that it is no longer serving me to numb and avoid physical sensation. This is by far the most excruciating and vivid reminders that I get. Probably after this session of yoga, she'll take a summer break. I did buy blocks and a strap to practice at home. Intellectually I am aware that my body is just hallucinating. Enough, enough, enough.

Progress is not cutting or starving. I'll have to fish out a razor to shave my legs now that the hint of summer is in the air. How f*cked up is it that I have to hide my razors? I don't know, maybe I should look into somatic experiencing. Just the words themselves cause me to put up my shield.

Good news is my Reiki can restart as my practitioner wants to barter. Yes!!! It occurs to me that some of my body memories are from pregnancy and childbirth. Who's to say they are all abuse related. Maybe a subtle shift in my thinking can draw me to a happy place of motherhood . An adult feeling the normal feelings of life. I guess I have phobias. Like white pickup trucks that cause my heart to race. Do you know how many freaking white pickup trucks there are out there? I am just not gaining any mastery. Why not? La-la-du-da driving down the road and there it is like a neon sign-You Are Trapped in a negative feedback loop. I wish I could shut off my adrenal glands. Take a break from perseverating.

 

[Care Bear]

My body memories are off the chart. I don't see how tuning into it can give me any mastery over it. Basically, I just prefer not to feel anything.

If you have read the work of Peter Levine you may remember that he gives the Medusa analogy. If Medusa is our trauma, it "kills" when one looks directly at it. So how do we confront trauma? Levine says we must develop "the felt sense" (being able to feel our body) and turn in back on the trauma to defeat it. Somatic experiencing may not be for you (I'm still trying to figure out whether this "felt sense" stuff works for me) but I just wanted to offer one answer to this "how do I confront trauma if it's traumatizing?" paradox.

If you self-harm, then on some level perhaps you *do* want to feel (though there can be other reasons for self-harm). If you really don't want to feel, maybe now is not the time to explore that so deeply. For me, the time came when living any other way was too unpleasant. Only then was I ready to take on the challenge.

I also know what you mean about being triggered by cars. I was very affected by certain ones for years. Luckily I switched continents so I no longer see those models.

Please keep us informed about your Reiki work, I'll be curious to know how it works for you.

 

[Born to Run]

maybe I should look into somatic experiencing. Just the words themselves cause me to put up my shield.

SE is the most humane therapy I have ever done, and I have done quite a few other therapies over 20 years. SE goes as slow as you need and will never ever rush you into something you are not ready for. You are always in control of how far you can/want to go just as in yoga. It is so helpful for unremembered/early childhood stuff. The tuning into SE is connecting, getting into touch slowly with what you don't feel that will heal you, integrate you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks @Born to Run I received an unexpected email from my yoga teacher. She wanted to assure me that she will support me any way I need her to. She said she will be available for 15 minutes before each class to discuss how things are going. How awesome is that???