I call myself a "Christian" too, although I took a long and convoluted road to get there. Before anyone gets too carried away feeling "unworthy", let me point out that, technically EVERYONE is "unworthy". When I finally came to the decision to follow (as best I can) the teaching of Jesus, it was for some reasons that might be "a little different". First, he pretty much ALWAYS stuck up for people who were having a hard time, regardless of what the rest of society taught. (Even solders, if you read closely.) Then, I was attracted to what seems to me to be God's amazing ability to take something that looks like a total wreck, tweak it a little, and have it somehow serve the purpose of "Good".
I don't do "church" much either. (There's PEOPLE there!) I lived in OK a few years ago and went a really cool, kind of different church when I was there. It was what I call a "dancin' in the aisles" kind of place. I am most definitely not a "dancin' in the aisles" kind of person. I had a couple of conversations with people about that. I was concerned that I didn't really belong there. They, everyone, said "We don't need more dancers, we have plenty of them. We need what YOU are and that's why God sent you to us." Seemed a little wacko to me, but it was nice. Then Hurricane Katrina came. That Sunday, Pastor Johnny got up and said that he didn't know what to say. That he'd thought and prayed and he had no idea what kind of sermon to give when we all knew a big bad hurricane was fixin' to make landfall and people were going to die and lives were going to be turned upside down. This was a church where anyone who had something to say was welcome and expected to talk. While he was talking, I felt this little....what? "prompting" maybe? telling me "You know this, say something". After considerable internal debate, I stood up and said that I thought I knew, in a small way, what to pray in the face of a hurricane. (BTW, it says in the New Testament that we are not to worry about what to say in these situations, that the Holy Spirit will provide the words, when we need them. Surely that's the truth!) What I said was this. If nothing bad every happens, no one gets the chance to step up and face down "bad". Humans, in the face of danger, or evil, or any other challenge have the opportunity to rise to the challenge and show what they are capable of. Love, compassion, self sacrifice, courage.... They are capable of doing the opposite too, but you don't get the one without the risk of the other. So that's the first part of prayer in the face of a hurricane. You ask for the resources to step up and do what should be and needs to be done. God wants that and is surely happy to say "Yes" to that kind of prayer. Second, you quote the Old Testament prophet who said "Here I am, send me." And you do what you can do. God doesn't expect MORE than you can do. Surely he knows what you can do and isn't going to ask for more.
I put this whole PTSD thing into that same kind of frame work. The stuff that I experienced, that others have experienced.... God never wanted that to happen. It's not his way of doing things. What IS his way of doing things is to take all that, spin it a little, and find a way it can serve his purpose. I'd gone through "some stuff" getting to that day in church. If I hadn't, I'd have had no different perspective than anyone else. And why was it they "needed" the likes of me in their church? Maybe to say what I said, that no one else had had the opportunity to learn. (yet! LOL)
So, if you don't feel like you're truly "meek" perhaps God has some special need for a person who's exactly what you ARE. What I'm sure of is this, he's not going to reject your belief or your allegiance. He knows you probably better than you know yourself and is ok with YOU. Doesn't mean we shouldn't work on doing a better job, just means we don't have anything to prove.
BTW, anyone calls me a "victim" to my face, they are going to get a "not very happy" reaction. I consider myself a "survivor" thank you very much. LOL I'm nobody's "victim"!
