General You cant handle the truth

[Buttercup]

There are definitely two separate sides/answers here coming from supporters/sufferers. And I can see and relate to both.

My dad was a career firefighter and paramedic and my sister is a paramedic. My sister and I grew up hearing some gorey stories from my dad from a very early age (I'm sure he did not share his goriest and I'm sure those were probably the ones that haunted him), and my sister has shared quite a bit with me. I don't ask at all, though. They seem(ed) to want to.

My sister is now an EMT instructor so she probably shares a great many stories with her students.

If it makes you uncomfortable when people ask that question, and more than understandably because people can be really clueless, I think you should let them know that. I like @EveHarrington's script for that.

 

[Buttercup]

Actually I shouldn't say "gorey." That's not the word I was going for. More like disturbing. Sorry about that.

 

[Deanna]

The same thing can be said for ptsd. People don't want to know I have it - and they sure as sh*t don't want to know why. They say they do. But they can't handle the truth. So I have to be very careful how much information I let out to each of my supporters because I have to remember what I've told them, how they reacted, gauge how much more they can take and make sure I don't overwhelm them. It is exhausting! I also have to monitor my behavior around them because they want to support me but they don't want to see the true ugliness that is PTSD. It doesn't fit the picture in their head of me. They want to help. But they can't handle the truth.

No one knows what PTSD is. People, in general, think it's only military related and they don't have a F'ing clue. Thanks for all you do on that hot line. People are ignorant. When they say, How many people have you helped? I think what they are really saying is, do I have the right number for this hotline? People, in general, are programmed to hit numbers ( 1 for yes 2 for no, or press 1 for list of departments, or press 2 for doctors " Brians" nurse or press 3 for store hours, or press 4, for whatever the hel&) so when you directly answer the phone.. it's like a shock. No one answers the phone these days..but you do.

It's something to say because you answer the phone..IS ALL.

I like your posts..don't give up!

 

[Freida]

@Buttercup it's not people asking about it that's the challenge with the ptsd. It's me feeling like I cant share because then I will be responsible for how they feel about me and my challenges. It will be up to me to take care of them if they crash. And that makes me tired.

@Sweetpea76 and @leehalf you may have a point. The people who bailed early bailed because I had to put my problems ahead of theirs. My supporters who are left are hubby's sister and four close friends. They have been wonderful --- I don't want to make them seem like they haven't been. Maybe I'm the one who has changed because I am coming to a place where I want to talk (a little) about it. Like why I can never make it to my nieces birthday in January. They have never made me feel bad about it -- but they have no idea why. I'd kind of like to be able to share a bit about what is going thru my head at times, but I'm so afraid of their reactions. LOL and yes @Sweetpea76 I know that's not fair to them. They may turn out to be stronger than I think. But it is such a risk. Plus hubbys sister, who I love to death, had a panic attack when she found out her bestie was getting a divorce and flat out told me she couldn't handle me talking about my 911 calls. Not sure how she's gonna handle finding out that I killed someone in a fight for my life.

Which leads me back to.... How have you come to terms with what your sufferer has done? How do you deal with what happened to them? when they confess something horrible to you, how do you accept that this is someone you thought you knew and they are ...insert word here? Or am I just badly triggered by god knows what today and I'm making a way bigger deal about it than it is?

@Deanna's Gap I wont! I learn way to much here to stop now!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I love him, and after all these years together I know what kind of man he is. The things he had to do torture him. If he wasn't such a good person, they wouldn't. That's proof enough for me.

Just an FYI, I don't consider him a "killer" or "murderer" even if he considers himself one. Combat is its own circumstance.

 

[Sighs]

I have NO freaking idea why people would ask someone they barely know "So... have you ever killed anyone?". My guy just looks at them like they are retarded and says "I was an infantry soldier for 25 years. I deployed numerous times. What do you think is in the job description?" So for random dickheads I second @EveHarrington's approach.

@Freida - as far as your sister in law goes... I had a very dear friend who had DID due to being sold into a child sex ring at the age of about 4. I "met" some of her alters, visited her in hospital after a number of suicide attempts, spoke with her treating psychiatrist, helped her find a job etc. But I told her early on - I'm sorry but I cannot handle hearing the details of your childhood abuse. I have a little girl of my own and I just can't cope with that. I apologised for not being able to hear those things. So you sister in law's honesty about your 911 calls may be as hard for her as it is for you.

In my experience, combat veterans judge themselves more harshly than anyone else would. If you had to kill someone, you had to kill someone. Personally, I don't feel differently about my veteran because of what he has done. I feel sad that he was placed in situations where he had to make those decisions and take those actions. He thinks that some people would think he is a monster. But in my mind, he is a hero for being willing to put himself in those situations and to live with the consequences.

I hope that you find a way to be true to yourself.

 

[Freida]

@Sighs Crap - you made me sniffle...

So you sister in law's honesty about your 911 calls may be as hard for her as it is for you.

You are so right! And that's something I need to be reminded to give her credit for

 

[blackemerald1]

@Freida your question is something I wrestle with often. I guess random idiots aside, really important people in your life may ask for information because they just love you and want to understand.

I know it is exhausting & frustrating to be 'careful' about what demons you let loose in somebody's imagination. It's really hard too when you have said something and find out too late, that the person is troubled by something you have said. After all, one cannot unsay something. Once it's out, it's there and the consequences however unintended, just happen.

It does feel like a responsibility. There really isn't a one size fit's all response to a question about something that has permanently changed your life. I have backed out of so many 'conversations' because I really didn't want to 'bludgeon' that person with a reality that I know they would not handle.

Actually I become quite defensive about my experiences because a) it 'send's me off into something I am trying hard to hold the lid on, all the time and b) I know now that I cannot truly relate to another being all the 'senses' that came with the experience's and I feel exhausted even trying to start. So I too am wound up in the same web.

I am glad you have a few people in your life that love you enough to ask though. I am glad there are people who are willing to be patient and maybe not know but still be there. It's a tough place to be from all perspective's really.

So I am glad I read this thread and you and other's wrote about it.

 

[The Albatross]

Actually I am ambiguous but forthcoming. (So when someone asks me that question, I ask them to narrow it down. Do they want to know). I just say I am bound by confidentiality but if they persist, I'll engage. Usually it's kinda sobering but I spare the graphic stuff.

 

[grimalkin]

If I ever asked my sufferer, it was because we were already engaged in a conversation about "it" (insert traumatic topic of choice), that he would have started. My questions came from genuine love and desire to understand. Even though we'd already be talking about "it," he still had a hard time answering my questions, and the conversation would inevitably turn to my shortcomings/life/lack of experience/general inability to understand anything about anyone, ever.

His burdens were never too much for me. Detail would not have been too much for me to handle. I realize not everyone can say that. Maybe there are those of us who have lived through trauma and were lucky enough to not develop PTSD, so we can actually listen and know and not freak out. Maybe there are those who can't deal with the knowledge. All knowing the details he shared "did" to me is piss me off that someone can do that to a child they claim to love (and subsequently cut off communication from the remaining abuser, and regret not knowing sooner so I could have cut her out of our lives sooner).

Considering how often I hear sufferers demanding we don't lump them in with anyone else because everyone is different, and that their supporters shouldn't make decisions for them (the sufferer), I find it ironic that a sufferer would make a decision like how much their supporter "can" deal with. And just because we might have emotions after you share with us, does not mean we can't handle it. It means we have emotions, and we will deal with them. Most of us don't hold it against YOU. We hold it against the people/event that did it to you.

 

[Snowflakes]

@grimalkin You have read my mind :hug:

Great discussion....I am learning a lot here.

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like your Sister-in-law is an example of healthy boundaries. She put up healthy boundaries and didn't bail. She's an example of why you can maybe try to open up to those supporters that are still there.

How have you come to terms with what your sufferer has done? How do you deal with what happened to them? when they confess something horrible to you, how do you accept that this is someone you thought you knew and they are ...insert word here?

First of all, in my experience, when people have shared the "horrible" thing they've done, it's not the terrible, unforgivable act they think it is. They are judging themselves in a harsh way, that isn't how I would judge them. And even if it is something that I find wrong (not really the word I want, but can't come up with a different word), I understand that act doesn't define the person I care about. It's something that happened in the past in awful circumstances and how do I know how I'd respond? And it doesn't change all the wonderful things about the person.