Relationship You Don't Know Me At All

[Chris516]

EvenStronger, I read my question. You are right. I should have mentioned that they said "You don't know me at all".

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe ask her why she feels this way...

 

[Chris516]

Memory loss is a part of my own PTSD. Then there is the denial and suppression. Then there is the personal growth that comes from dealing with it.

I have known myself for almost 60 years and am still getting acquainted. Someone who needs to be an authority on who and what I am is often holding me to old habits I am trying to evolve into something more functional.

Arfie, Denial in the sense of thinking someone would hate them, if they knew?

So, The person could be holding on to old habits?

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma can make it scary to be real, be vulnerable, be open about everything.

 

[Chris516]

Justme, Not assuming, but going on experience with her behavior. Yes, It is an online relationship. Yet, She has told me deeply personal stuff, that I never expected her to tell me. Stuff that I didn't even ask her about. I wasn't offended. Just thought, if she felt she could tell me something deeply personal, that I didn't even ask about that says something.

At the same time, I do wonder if I had somehow 'triggered' the 'revelations'.

So again, I am not assuming.

 

[Chris516]

Justme, Yes, Trauma can be unspeakably scary.

 

[arfie]

@Chris516 Denial in the sense of, "I am not going to look at that, ever, not even in my most private moments. It didn't happen and/or isn't happening." This kind of denial is common with PTSD as well as many other illnesses. It is strictly personal.

The fear of other people knowing, fear of rejection and holding on to old habits are equally potent subjects/possibilities, but quite separate issues in my own therapy. PTSD is mysteriously complex. Stressfully disorderly?

 

[Nebulustrix]

But isn't saying "You don't know me at all", a classic response coming from someone with PTSD?

I think this is a classic response from anyone who feels misunderstood. I know you recognized in your response to me that this can come from those without PTSD, but I can't help but find your insistence on calling this a "classic response" a way of seeking a crutch- like you want to blame her PTSD for her withdrawal. That or you're really just trying to understand, but that need to ask random people for understanding shows you don't know her very well, do you?

So the real question you should be asking yourself is not "is this because of PTSD" but rather, how do I show her I care and want to know her better? How do I show her I am worthy of her trust so that she can open up to me more? And those questions... I'm not really sure anyone here can answer, because it will depend on her.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Chris516 , I think these are all good suggestions. I think The Albatross and @Justmehere hit on a lot. You don't know if you ask. And context means a lot. I don't think saying such a thing is reflective of ptsd, but feeling it is. But you are not 'together' (in person), ptsd doesn't translate off of paper easily. And you will never know much , despite how much you know, if she doesn't reveal a lot more of what remains. Then, there is also simple frustration, and arguments. And sometimes (nothing personal at all) we each 'deserve' to hear "F Off" (we've done something to justify it, or at least the other person thinks so). I would ask in a good moment but be specific, "When we were talking about (x) (X days ago) and you said (x).." . However, if you were arguing I'd probably let it go.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think this is a classic response from anyone who feels misunderstood.. that need to ask random people for understanding shows you don't know her very well..
..it depends on her.

Exactly, that's what I'd think.

(Men and women can also think differently too, Chris. There's a million possible explanations).

 

[Snowangel1225]

She might have said this because it is exactly true. You think you know her because you have spent years corresponding with her (minus a few months when you checked out) but all you really know is what she has told you. It is entirely possible that she hasn't told you everything and it is also entirely possible that she has lied about everything. Or somewhere in between. Online relationships are treacherous because anybody can be anyone they want to be regardless of who they really are. Just because you are being honest with her does not mean she is being honest with you. It's possible that she is being honest but you really have no way of knowing without meeting her in person. Have you ever watched the movie or the television show 'Catfish'? People get involved in online relationships and sometimes spend months or years building this relationship to the point where they have strong feelings or even love for this other person. Some have even gone to far as to plan marriages before they have even met only to meet in person and find out the other person is not even close to who they said they were. Before you invest any more time in this relationship, be it friends or something more, I would suggest getting some facts. Right now you are asking for advice and trying to analyze someone that no one, including you, even knows truly exists.

 

[Chris516]

Arfie, I know it is is complex. That is why, considering her pattern. I don't take her negative comments at face value. Because I know they are bound to change at some point in time.

Nebulustrix, Not necessarily 'seeking a crutch'. But as I said to Arfie not taking her negative comments at face value. Even her positive comments. Because I knew her apology in 2012 wouldn't last long. Correct, No one here can 'absolutely' answer them, but give me feedback as to possibilities.

Junebug, Don't you mean, 'You don't know, if you don't ask'? Correct, Not specific to PTSD only. Yes, F-off could mean anything, except there is a pattern to her behavior, that includes the occasional F-off, in the form of push/pull. As for asking her about it, yes, I have been careful of when I ask. Also, Yes, I know men n' women think differently.

Snowangel, I know about face-to-face. But my (ex)wife(who I met face-to-face) lied to me, when I needed her most. So people can lie either way. As for the television show 'Catfish', can you describe it to me? I found it on YouTube which said to another link. Then to download another video player. It was one headache after another.

I know she exists. As for your downplaying online relationships/acquaintances, go to Google, type in ''Loving From A Distance''(type it exactly like that without the quotes)