"you're Too Hard On Yourself"

[Deleted member 1860]

If I had a dollar for every time someone said this to me....

I hear this ALL the time. My response is "NO I'M NOT!" but as of late I can tell that its a hindrance more than a help. Today my dad said this to me as I was sobbing on the phone about my life being a complete and utter failure. I retorted "if I wasn't hard on myself, I'd be locked up in a mental ward right now!" I was being completely serious. Being hard on myself is much of what has propelled my healing forward. Yes, I do bitch, whine, moan and complain, but in the end I keep pushing myself forward whether it be to find the right treatment, doctors, therapists, healing tools.....and even outside of the psychological realm in terms of returning to being functional by supporting myself and having a job.

But....Now its holding me back. I beat myself up CONSTANTLY because I'm not like everyone else. No matter how far I've come, I will never be where I want to be (normal w/o PTSD) and I can't stop beating myself up for it.

I guess I'm failing on the self-love thing, huh?

My fear is that if I am not hard on myself that I will become complacent and give up. I don't know how to find the happy medium of self-compassion yet still be able to push myself forward.

And of course all this ties in with the self-hate. Hate myself, so I'm driven to change. How can I possibly like where I am in life? By all accounts (personal, professional, you name it) I am a failure.

Which ties in with my mother never loving me and never approving of anything I've ever done. If my mom can't love me, then why would anyone else? I've gotten rid of her, but the wheels of change turn slowly.

This post feels like a total mind f*ck. I've come SO far in my healing yet around every corner is something new. Its overwhelming and I don't know how to sort anything out. I don't know where to start.

So for now, I'll remind myself that wherever I am is where I am meant to be. Its pretty much all my mind can handle.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

My fear is that if I am not hard on myself that I will become complacent and give up.

Yet remember to be kind to yourself as well as hard on yourself. Tough to be strong.

 

[Friday]

Motivation vs Degradation

Building up vs Tearing down

Being hard on yourself can be good. When it's challenging you, motivating you, driving you forward. & Being hard on yourself can be worse than useless. At least useless doesn't cause more harm. Same tool. Different application.

Got a cadence stuck in my head: Mota-Mota-Gotta lotta motivation! Dedicated! Gotta lotta dedication! :D

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, that's sort of the problem. I don't know HOW to be kind to myself! I'm not exactly a kind person (as reflected in my presence here on the forum....)

So there is no problem with being hard on myself? Then why does everyone tell me this?

 

[Friday]

So there is no problem with being hard on myself? Then why does everyone tell me this?

Cough... Degradation, tearing down, worse than useless, causes harm.

Those are problems. Big, big, problems.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Solara

I'm not exactly a kind person

We don't read your posts cause we want a teddy bear take on issues. I'm still newish here. My take is you don't mince words, no sugar coating. That does not mean you are not kind. You are the spicy rather than the hugger version, both appreciated.

 

[noorad]

I am having the same issues, sometimes I'm like breaking down crying, feeling like I need to just cry for hours and hours but then I'll just stop and be like you don't need to do this. What scares me the most lately, is that due to some memory loss I tell myself I'm making it up. But the other day I was having horrible cramps, I was in so much pain and I actually told myself I was making even that pain up. I don't know what my problem is. I really want to stop hating myself. I just don't know if that is possible right now. :poop:

 

[joeylittle]

I can't be kind to myself, I don't know how yet.

My intermediary step is just to cut myself some slack. That is something I can sometimes do.

 

[holdenmonty]

I have had this same problem. I have told myself "I shouldn't have ptsd people that have been through worse have ptsd and I shouldn't. I have also told myself that I should be over it. But through therapy I have learned should is a self defeating term and you will never get to the point that you want to be if you set to high of expectations for yourself. We are our own worst enemy. I have learned that all of the recovery I have made thus far has taken time and baby steps. You need to do things that make you happy now and then or you will. Well at least I got to the point that I was stuck in the self defeating mindset and needed help working through it abd still working through it

 

[Suzetig]

My experience of you on the forum s that you are kind, you're straight talking and don't do bullshit but i can see it comes from a kind place.

I can relate in that I don't give myself an inch, there's seriously nothing I can't turn into a stick to beat myself with. I'm practicing challenging myself when I find myself giving me a hard time by asking whether I would say the same things to someone else. I've at times found myself just softening my inner voice a little bit - not much, but it's a start.

 

[Sandstone]

I've come SO far in my healing

Yes. We can see it, you experience it. Maybe you can start by praising yourself for the growth and for all the hard work you have put in.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I don't have PTSD. May I comment anyway ;)?
Sometimes i am being too hard on myself, sometimes too kind and sometimes just right.

Sometimes I do like being hard on myself because it motivates me and "helps me to grow" and I like it when I am jealous of other people because it is a motivation to be better at something.
But being too hard on yourself can be bad just like too much of a good thing is bad for you, because you cannot see what you already accomplished and it demotivates you to accomplish more.

So I ask myself if being hard on myself in this special case motivates me or demotivates me and if it demotivates me - I stop.