"you're Too Hard On Yourself"

[Sandstone]

So I ask myself if being hard on myself in this special case motivates me or demotivates me and if it demotivates me - I stop.

But that just brings us back round to the original question. How do you stop? If you hold a consistently negative self-image, if you know you don't deserve kindness. What is the mechanism you use to move away from that?

I've been asked, "Would you speak to others the way you speak to yourself?" Well, no, because I 'm too polite, but I would judge them as harshly as I judge myself.

 

[StellaBlue]

I beat myself up CONSTANTLY because I'm not like everyone else. No matter how far I've come, I will never be where I want to be (normal w/o PTSD) and I can't stop beating myself up for it

This. This right here. After this statement you go on to list a bunch of the things tied into this - self-hate, mom issues - but maybe the fact that you are not like everyone else and you will never be "normal w/o PTSD" is what you could try some radical acceptance with. And that means radically accepting this without judgement, without self-recrimination, without expectations about who you SHOULD be...just sit with and try to be ok with the fact that you are who you are.

Because the fact is, you are like everyoone else but you are not like anybody else. And that is a good and fine thing.

 

[shimmerz]

I've gotten rid of her, but the wheels of change turn slowly.

You haven't truly gotten rid of her until you blow her idea out that tough love, which can be a cute little phrase for 'abuse', is the best love out there. Look at your posting on love and decide which one you want to gift to yourself. Leave your mother and her tough love energy in the neighbours gutter. It was a lie. It was all a f*ing lie.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm not going to tell you how hard you should or shouldn't be on yourself. That's not my place. What I will ask is: is being hard on yourself getting you what you want or is it blocking you from getting what you want?

There are a lot of coping methods that helped me get through bad phases that I *had* to have then. I needed it. I don't need them any more. Maybe being hard on yourself is a coping method that is sometimes helpful and sometimes hurtful? Life seems complicated like that to me.

Sometimes I find that if I keep using a coping method after it isn't *necessary* anymore that I start recreating the problem with new people. If I change my behavior it changes how people treat me. It's really hard to predict how other people will react though. Freaking complicated people.

If you feel like you would benefit from more self-love... I can't see how it would hurt. We all need some love from ourselves.

 

[Eleanor]

My T has a standard answer for "BUT HOW DO I STOP....?" 1) Identify the pattern. 2) Create and rehearse a "pattern interrupt." - What new habit are you going to replace the old habit with? 3) Practice doing the pattern interrupt in your imagination - so imagine that the pattern is happening and... do the new thing. 4) Do the pattern interrupt practice several times a day until it feels really automatic and you don't have to think about it. 5) At the same time start noticing when you start on the pattern and "pull up!" don't worry where in the pattern you do the interrupt - right at the beginning, in the middle or at the end (even an hour after it is all over...:wtf:) Do the interrupt as soon as you notice the pattern. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Praise yourself as best you can whenever you NOTICE the pattern happening.

Don't expect results tomorrow. There is no perfect practice, there is only practice.

[QUOTE="Solara, post: 826350, member: 1860"} I'm not like everyone else. No matter how far I've come, I will never be where I want to be (normal w/o Link Removed) and I can't stop beating myself up for it.[/QUOTE]
Because you are a very sensible and rational person this might help:

Are you willing to beat yourself up for, say, being too short? Or having the wrong skin color? Or anything else that is not in your control? or does that seem dumb?
Would you beat someone else up/berate them for something you genuinely believed to be out of their control? (I am sure the answer here is, "no." You have always been very fair about this from what I can see.)
So.... are you willing to beat yourself up for something that is not in your control? Does that even make any sense? Or is it just abuse?

"I'm not like everyone else." True. No way around that one. You are not like everyone else. You never will be. You can't be, and never could have been. It just doesn't make any sense. At the most general level "not being like everyone (or anyone, for that matter) else is unavoidable. So I don't quite think this is what you mean - because PTSD or no, you aren't crazy. Did you have something specific in mind here? Something like "I'm not as good as everyone else."

If you meant something more like "I'm not as good as everyone else" can you be more specific? ... Good how precisely? My sense is that while you tether this judgment to particulars the particulars don't matter so much as the global judgment and any particulars (and there are always particular ways in which we don't "measure up" to others) are just getting used to rationalize the judgment. Rationalization is a very different animal than rationality as you know. If this IS what you mean, AND you have something specific in mind... I wonder if it is a standard you are willing to apply to everyone else in the same boat? If not, if you are the only person in the world who this standard applies to... well, that seems like a pretty unlikely cosmic accident that there should be some standard that applies ONLY to you, or the standard is just arbitrary and so... illegitimate.

Here is the tricky bit "I will never be normal w/o PTSD." You will never not have had PTSD, true. You might well in the future become a person who is no longer symptomatic. The bells in your life cannot be unrung. They are what they are. They suck, many of them. This is not within your control. It is not rational to beat someone up for something that is not in their control. "Beating someone up for something that is not in their control" is, now that I write it, as good a definition of abuse as any other I know.

None of us will be the persons we might have been if our earlier lives had been different. "What if's" are a seductive and crazy-making road to go down. Philosophers call these "counterfactuals" and "alternative universes." Fun to play around with if we are dreaming up plots for novels, not so good for self assessment or moral evaluation. We can spend a lot of time feeling crappy about the ways in which our pasts have shaped our present - but then in fairness we also ought to feel good about the ways they've shaped our present too. How the balance tilts? Hard to know. You aren't out abusing others, and probably there was a point you could have gone that direction. ... In general, I think this is pretty much a waste of time except insofar as we learn "Not doing THAT again.." or "hey, that worked out really well" type lessons.

Freedom is not retrospective. We cannot change the past (even the Doctor cannot change some events in time..:geek:) Freedom, "response-ability" is always prospective. We are the sorts of creatures who can aim ourselves in a particular direction and then (internally and externally) set our course in that direction. It doesn't matter if we are off course wildly all the time - what matters ALL THAT MATTERS is course correction Freedom is the capacity to aim and course correct. Responsibility is the ability to respond in the present to the past in a way that aims us toward the best future we can imagine. And best futures have a way of evolving into better futures. And you could beat yourself up over THAT but it wouldn't make sense because... Future A was the best you could imagine and aim at in Jan. but by May you have made enough progress/learned enough that Future B (clearly better than Future A) is in sight. Should you beat yourself up for not having seen Future B in Jan.? No, because it wasn't possible then. Seeing Future B was out of your control. Beating yourself up for something that is out of your control is abuse. We don't want to do that. And if we start we want to stop ASAP.

Push the past back as far as you like, the same logic applies.

I really like Dan Ariely's TED talk on Self Control. The one he gave at the Duke TEDX. It is a nice exposition of the only view of free will that I think makes any sense.


So:
You are not like everyone else. Neither is everyone else like everyone else. This is not in your control.
"I will never be normal without PTSD." This is not in your control.
Beating yourself up for things not in your control is abuse.
Even if they were in your control "You can't beat people better."

It is not in your control to stop beating yourself up right now.
You can aim at not beating yourself up and take action to retrain yourself.
Your firmness of resolve will help you in this.
Beating yourself up over beating yourself ... is just practicing the pattern you want to extinguish.

I think you've been abused quite enough Solara, and I wish you the most speedy re-habituation possible to stop this. People do stop. I am confident you will be one of them.

"I will never be without PTSD symptoms." This is a fear. Not a fact. The future is open.

 

[Hope4Now]

My fear is that if I am not hard on myself that I will become complacent and give up. I don't know how to find the happy medium of self-compassion yet still be able to push myself forward.

Yep. That's the big question. All about balance. And the paradox (imho) seems to be that we need to extract ourselves from the vice-grip of self-hate that we falsely believe propels us forward to become "better"...to actually become better...

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz

Look at your posting on love and decide which one you want to gift to yourself. Leave your mother and her tough love energy in the neighbours gutter. It was a lie. It was all a f*ing lie.

Not religious but AMEN. I was the care taker and now that I am in pieces tough love is the approach. I picked all of my family up over and over. Called for help a few days ago, no return communication. So the pieces are smaller yet. May they become the chaff that blows away. The kernel of me is in there, scarred, stomped on, not in the right garden yet. The layers of shit are being exposed and off. Chance to get out it and regrow.

 

[Recovery4Me]

One of the best ways that I can explain of when I chose to quiet my inner critic is in this manner. Please just bear with me...

When I studied in a ecumenical setting, there were different manners of 'loving' a higher power that were reviewed in philosophy class. One manner was a torturous self flogging group of monks. It was horrible for me to see the art work and the wretched description of those tortuous girths of metal worn under garments indicating love, and compassion to others. They justified this self abuse - to keep ahead of what they felt was to fail, fall, or go back to what they were... before they were in loving service.

Part of that study was an mandatory requirement, so that we (taking the major) might understand...that it is hard to truly serve or give to others, if we (taking the major) torture or refrain from loving and respecting ourselves. We had to write several papers on the aforementioned & why trusting ourselves from our lessons learned could allow us to be kinder to others.

So I offer gently, (risking wrath perhaps)...is it time for you to decide to trust yourself and stop the self flogging? I pray so...because you have much to offer.

:hug:'s if you accept...

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

If you hold a consistently negative self-image, if you know you don't deserve kindness. What is the mechanism you use to move away from that?

You haven't truly gotten rid of her until you blow her idea out that tough love, which can be a cute little phrase for 'abuse', is the best love out there. Look at your posting on love and decide which one you want to gift to yourself. Leave your mother and her tough love energy in the neighbours gutter. It was a lie. It was all a f*ing lie.

Don't expect results tomorrow. There is no perfect practice, there is only practice.

None of us will be the persons we might have been if our earlier lives had been different. "What if's" are a seductive and crazy-making road to go down.

You can aim at not beating yourself up and take action to retrain yourself.

So much good stuff above!

I was quite the perfectionist, and rationalized with myself that this was an "acceptable" worldview because isn't it BEST to always be striving for "perfection"? AND .. I felt this didn't make me a hypocrite because I was HARDER on myself than everyone else. But the only thing that "broke through" for me in healing was realizing that GOD HIMSELF is "patient for the early AND the late rains" and HE (who arguably IS the only one who is "perfect") was PATIENT for our growth, PATIENT to see fruit and HE HIMSELF designed the seasons .. that it takes time from planting a seed to the time that seed matures and is able to produce fruit. So even if it could be argued that we should always be striving for .. let's say "fruitfulness" instead of "perfection" .. how much more should I be patient with people, and patient with MYSELF to grow and mature and heal and be "pruned" and become fruitful? :hug:

This was a huge breakthrough for me, cuz I wanted all of the torment of my IMperfection to just be over - so much so, I was suicidal .. I reasoned with myself to just "get it over with" so I could go to be with God (nevermind all the discussion about whether suicide is a one way ticket to hell .. which I don't agree is true, but it raises at least a question as to the soundness of my reasoning at the time) ..

If the one who MADE me, and who is himself PERFECT, and who also requires MY "perfection" (how he makes provision for that HIMSELF is a whole 'nother discussion) .. if HE is able to be PATIENT with my IMperfection .. wow. This realization was the first time I felt myself let go of my expectations. That letting go was the first time I was able to gain "perspective" with regards to OTHER people's expectations of me that I had taken on myself .. @Solara .. my new "mantra" is "Mercy TRIUMPHS over judgment." (from the book of James, ch. 2)

Always and forever, MERCY (towards others, towards myself) is GREATER. I leave the "judgment" to God, because he's the only perfect "judge" AND he is ALSO the one who had mercy on ME, though I felt I never deserved any kindness, either. :) We are all too quick to believe the LIE, because we see our own imperfections, and others are all too quick to abuse and point out our failings, whether real or imagined. We become self-abusive and tell ourselves this is "humility." :( :inlove:

So many :hug: 's to you!!

~S2B