Zombie Diaries

[Lolo]

The numbness gets to me sometimes. I feel like I'm not feeling anything. Everything seems like it's happening to someone else. I want to cry but I don't know why. I went to lunch today and saw someone who went to my church when I was a kid. Every time I see a guy between 60 & 70 who went there, I wonder if he was the one who did it. Is that the guy who raped me when I was three? Not that I even know what happened. It's locked in my head somewhere. I know I'll probably never know exactly what happened. I remember bits and pieces of it and I try to string them together so that it makes sense. Maybe it'll never make sense. I don't know what to think.

 

[BlueDream]

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed by your feelings. I feel that way a lot myself. I have been trying grounding and breathing exercises to help. I also have tried some guided meditation and it helps to calm me down.
If you are in therapy, talk to your T about helping you to retrieve your memories.
Sending big hugs, if you except!!

 

[Lolo]

Thank you bluedream. I'm in therapy. We did EMDR and I did remember more. I just don't trust my new memories. Sometimes they come back in pieces and sometimes they flood back. I keep hearing that recovered memories are highly inaccurate. I'm not sure if what I remember now is true or not. It's confusing. I'm not sure if anything I think happened actually happened. When I ask my therapist he tells me he doesn't know what happened to me. I wish I could make all of the memories go away. I'd prefer to live in blissful ignorance.
I guess all I can really say is that something happened. Next time I think I'll post what I think happened. Is it possible to know for sure what happened to me when I was three? Is the depression from that incident or from the emotional abuse?

 

[BlueDream]

I have never done EMDR, I wish I could give you an answer. Maybe start a new thread asking about others expirence with it, I know lots of ppl on here have done it.

 

[Lolo]

I guess I always knew I was different. I cried about everything and became very angry about nothing. That got me into a lot of trouble at school and at home. I internalized most of the anger and took it out on myself.
My mother always talked about how she was going to kill herself. When I was ten I thought I was completely worthless. I guess I felt like I was the reason our family had problems. I thought that if I was gone the rest of them would be better. I didn't really know what I was doing. I took a bunch of pills hoping they would kill me. My sister caught me taking them. She was only thirteen. I guess she figured out the combination wasn't lethal. I'm not sure if she ever told my parents what I did. I doubt if she even remembers that night.
I'll write more later.

 

[Lolo]

I've been feeling pretty zoned out lately. Nothing seems real to me. I'm not really living right now. I feel okay when I'm volunteering, but after I'm done I feel nothingness again. I feel sorry that I can't be the mother that my daughter needs. I do the best that I can, but it never feels good enough. I'm glad that my brother helps pick up the slack. I keep thinking she'd bebbetter off without me. I need to quit thinking like this. I don't see my t for another 3 weeks. Maybe I should get a sooner appointment. Sometimes I wish I had succeeded when I was 10. Sorry I'm so down today. I guess I'm just tired.

 

[Lolo]

I've been feeling really good the last couple of months, looking for a new job and a new place to live. I've been happy and laughing easily. For some reason last week I figured out who did it. I guess I've known all along. I just didn't want to believe it was someone I knew and trusted. It was the reverend in charge of my church. I know he was kicked out of the church when I was 9 or 10. Something about cheating on his wife. I wonder if someone figured out what he did to the preschoolers and covered it up. Maybe I'm just making up conspiracy theories. I feel as if the church failed me. My thoughts are kind of running together. I'm just going to keep going with it. A couple of years ago I started going to a different church. Shortly after that is when the nightmares started up again and progressively got worse. I guess learning about God knocked something loose in my memory. I don't have trouble believing in God. I have trouble believing in a good God. How could a good God allow a 3-year-old to be raped by a man who is supposed to be helping you learn about Him. I've talked to my current pastor about all of these things. Thankfully he didn't give me a condescending answer about how God has a plan. He was honest with me and said he didn't know why those things happen. He directed me toward some books and Bible passages. We still talk about my misgivings about God and the Bible. I'm slowly starting to understand God a little bit more. I know I'll never fully understand. Why do so many people who have positions of power and influence hurt the very people they should be protecting. Sometimes I still feel like that scared little kid. Trapped and unable to protect myself. I know I wasn't the only one but, why did he choose me. Was there something about me that he liked or did I just seem like an easy target. I guess I'm done with my ramble for now. It does feel good to get some of this of my chest.

 

[Lolo]

I'm feeling really depressed today. Maybe it's the cold cloudy weather. Maybe I just need a reallygood cry. I told my therapist once that I was afraid if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. He told me there are very few guarantees in psychology. He guaranteed me that I would stop crying at some point:-) Sometimes I wonder why I bother to put one foot in front of the other. Is there any point in moving if you keep ending up in the same place? I keep reminding myself that this feeling will pass. It's just that when I'm in the middle of it, it feels like it never ends.

 

[Lolo]

I feel like something inside me broke. I'm consumed with an incredible amount of sadness. It robs me of any joy or excitement. I question how I can trust God or anyone with any kind of power in my life. I feel like my entire body is being weighed down with depression. Is it stupid to want to weep for the person you could have been?

 

[Lolo]

My therapeutic assignment is to write a letter to my abuser. I want to scream at him, "What were you thinking when you raped me? How could a grown man rape a three-year-old?" Did something equally terrible happen to him? It hurts so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe. I didn't understand what had happened at that time. All I knew was that I had done something wrong and he hurt me. I've been trying to figure out what made him pick me. Sometimes I think there was a giant neon sign over my head that said choose this kid, she won't be able to tell anyone anything. Did he somehow know I wouldn't be able to talk about it?

 

[Lolo]

I remembered something new this morning. Every muscle in my body hurt. I felt shaky and numb at the same time. Nothing around me seemed real. He asked me if I could walk. How is it that someone could do something so terrible and then be concerned about my welfare. I feel stupid because I can't let it go. It happened more than thirty years ago and sometimes I feel like it happened yesterday. I still feel like that little girl. Helpless and alone. I go through cycles of extreme anxiety and then extreme depression. I have to tell myself to keep going. My daughter needs me. Why does it hurt so much?