Torture - when an abuse turns into an anticipation in your head - an anticipation that death will occur but hasn't, an anticipation that you will be smashed against the wall again, for no apparent reason - an anticipation that every day you come home you never know what is waiting for you on the other side of the door - anticipation that what is on the other side of that closet door you have been locked in is way worse than staying in the closet forever.
And the abuser is in your head.
See... To me... This is the almost the purest definition of
abuse.
You're
coming home.
Someone can be tortured, and returned to normal life. Picked up again, and returned to normal life. It can repeat. Or it can be a block of time. Someone can be tortured over the course of hours, days, months, years. But those long times? When you're being held? Or holding someone? You can torture them continually for
very short periods of time. Including things like leaving them in a light box, or using sound, or temperature, or anything else slow. No one has to actually be there applying certain kinds of torture, and they'll break, then start to break down, and then they'll die. You can't torture someone continuously for very long. Our bodies are too fragile. Hours - Days ...is the max. The absolute max. And every individual has their own unique limits. It takes a fair bit of skill not to break people, or kill people, on accident.
Trying to explain to some people why you
can't abuse prisoners you're also torturing
if you want them to last is like shouting into the wind. People can survive long periods of abuse. But they can't survive long periods of abuse
and torture. Abuse on top of torture is lethal. Always.
Its a good tell, actually. How you're treated when you're not being tortured. If they're feeding you unpoisoned food? Keeping you relatively clean? Leaving you alone for longish or at least regular periods of time in order to recover? They're keeping you alive. You have some kind of value to them. If you're being held by amateurs, or you're being abused on top of torture? Don't expect to live long. Either they don't know how to keep you alive, or they don't care if you die.
What normal life is? Whether it's being held/imprisoned, or white picket fences and Labrador on the lawn with kids playing in the street? Doesn't really matter. They are two very distinct pieces to being tortured. When you are & when you're not. How you're treated on top of that? That's a whole 3rd thing. You might be being abused. You might be well taken care of, comparatively, not-necessarily comfortably. You might be returned to your everyday life.
What people who've
never been abused just don't
get is how it's woven into normal life. How it
becomes normal life. Which is part of why "normal life" is so f*cking
hard after being abused. While I suppose it's theoretically possible for an abuser to be abusive all of the time, most aren't. Most make pancakes. Take you on pic-nics. Go to work & come home. Et cetera. You go about your normal life whilst being abused. Going to school or work. Have birthdays. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning. Making friends. But the abuse is always there. Whether you're abused daily, or your abuser only abuses you twice a year, it's there. Waiting. People have a zillion different common household triggers surrounding abuse, just because it's so woven into normal living.
It's a very deliberate interrogation technique to interject normal life
into torture. Unlike abuse, which is woven in naturally, it has to be done very deliberately. And it kind of makes your brain fall out of your head if you're the one being tortured. The cognitive dissonance is beyond huge. Again, one of the opposite things from being abused.
Bringing in aspects of normal life... Either intensifies pain about a zillion fold, or cracks your reality to
pieces, and starts forming trust/emotional bonds/dependency on a whole new scale. The closer they can get it to your real normal life? Your actual brand of cereal? Something owned by someone you love? The harder the hit. It's... Hard to explain. Something that reminds you of home. No matter how good, how bad it's... Wrong. It's wrong for it to be here. A photograph can leave someone screaming. While sharing their everyday casual breakfast with them can leave them ready to die for you, even though they want you dead. It's complicated. It's also very risky and very delicate, if you're the one doing it. Some people, some governments, are known for this. It's completely different from Stockholm Syndrome. And it's applied in different ways with different results. It happens on accident, too. Far too often. A guard. An aid worker. Someone. Trying to do something "nice", or to give them hope. It's a brutal thing to do.
I'm really tempted to say that the easiest way to draw a line is that abuse is woven into normal life, while torture exists completely outside of it // It's not something that ever normalizes. At least, not in my experience. Expected? Yes. But not normalizes. ...Tempted, but I don't know if I'm right // ***I could be very wrong here***. It's right inside of my experience but... My experience with torture is political / criminal. Different places, but in that sphere. I do know, though, that some religious cults use torture on kids and new members as part of brainwashing them. Part of fragmenting reality & creating dependence. That kind of torture may well normalize, but I'd have nooooooo idea what that does to a person.. Or it may be its own seperate thing... There's torture, there's abuse, there's brainwashing, maybe?. 3 different things, with 3 very different realities and long term effect? . I don't know. I've never been involved in it / it's outside of my experience.
I'm using too many words. Talking too much. Sorry for anyone who's gotten through this. It's... Really difficult to explain certain things.