lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
NOTE: I have no idea why some of the options in the poll are bold with a * and some arent...i didnt do that on purpose. Likely a user error but I wanted to put that out there.
My reason for this poll is I feel that a lot can identify with re-creating your trauma and struggling with it and for those comfortable to talk about it, Id like to discuss it, how you do it (as much as you are comfortable and as much as you want), how you stopped if you did, how you are trying to stop if you are, or if you are struggling a lot with it. Basically lets all write it out and support each other. Give each other ideas of how to stop and just generally support each other.
Ok, what I do. I do a lot of re-creating my traumas but on here (multiple answers allowed) I seek out many partners to have sex with, I sexual want to be hurt by partner, and I sexual self harm (gentials), I have once or more than once sexually touched a child (as a child or an adult), suppose the remainer would fall under other.
So I seek out many guys to have sex with and when I am seeking them out, I am forcefully seductive. I call that the "child prostitute". Im unsure why I still put "child" there but thats how it feels so thats what I named it.
When they agree and we are having sex I turn fully submissive and do anything they want even if I dont want to and I want them to hurt me as much as possible. To ensure pain, I will a lot of the time cut inside of myself, put rubbing alcohol in a turkey baster (how boiling water was done back then) and put rubbing alcohol in myself and that not only makes it hurt worse, it also stops the bleeding so the guy wont know anything and that makes any sort of sex hurt, very bad. Im unsure why and unsure how to stop.
I can enjoy sex without pain as I do, at times, masturbate without pain. But then Im normally thinking of my step dad so that might be re-created trauma in of itself, unsure of that.
I do also cut my gential area on a 'regular' basis. I do that as 'punishment' as it was done back then. And the things I deam need of 'punishments' could be as little as doing something wrong or making someone upset but I am also a cutter (my upper arms) and didnt include that as thats not really re-creating trauma, self harm is a coping mechinism. I included self harming gentials for those of us that had that happen back in the days of trauma.
When I was 14 I touched, molested, a 10 month old baby boy that I was babysitting for about 5 mins before I ran, put him in the playpen and went to go throw up. I had one other fleeing thought soon after about my then 2 yr old nephew but talked myself out of it and I havent thought about it since but "punished" myself for it for years by cutting inside my gentials. I stopped punishing when I had posted about it, in detail here, got non-judgement and wonderful replies and then read it to my therapist, whom knew I did it but never knew the details, my therapist and I had the entire session discussion about it in detail and it seemed some of that self hatred eased and over time I just stopped feeling the need to "punish" myself over it. I was just doing what was being done to me and I thought it was "normal".
Other would also be: I still self do the rituals but now 2 (the one I didnt bring into adulthood and the one I since stopped after posting it on here). Unsure why I feel I need to. I call it a "ritual urge" which is stronger than an addiction ugre, or so it seems. I was able to stop the one by turning it on its end, or upside down (opppsite it seems) but havent yet been able to stop the remainder yet. The sexual seeking ("child prostitute"), I believe, is one of those as my entire mental state turns back into the child prostitute which is why I named it as such. Also a lot of the sexual wanting to be hurt by a partner is also one, I believe as prostituting as a child was a ritual back then as was hurting me, until blood is seen, during sex. So I deem both a ritual (seeking many partners, muliple a lot of the time, and pain during sex).
For those that dont know (some dont), I grew up in a cult headed by my step dad (now dead) and mom.
Ok, so lets talk about your re-creating trauma. This is a judgement free zone. Lets discuss, support each other, help each other...let get this out in the open and really gain some support here.
Remember, if yours isnt listed, select other then explain as I have (if comfortable) as we had individual traumas thus we may re-create it in individual ways.
Write as much or as little as you want and are comfortable with. If you arent comfortable, thats ok. You can write a line or a book. I hope that this serves as a way of good support for those of us that does re-create traumas.
My reason for this poll is I feel that a lot can identify with re-creating your trauma and struggling with it and for those comfortable to talk about it, Id like to discuss it, how you do it (as much as you are comfortable and as much as you want), how you stopped if you did, how you are trying to stop if you are, or if you are struggling a lot with it. Basically lets all write it out and support each other. Give each other ideas of how to stop and just generally support each other.
Ok, what I do. I do a lot of re-creating my traumas but on here (multiple answers allowed) I seek out many partners to have sex with, I sexual want to be hurt by partner, and I sexual self harm (gentials), I have once or more than once sexually touched a child (as a child or an adult), suppose the remainer would fall under other.
So I seek out many guys to have sex with and when I am seeking them out, I am forcefully seductive. I call that the "child prostitute". Im unsure why I still put "child" there but thats how it feels so thats what I named it.
When they agree and we are having sex I turn fully submissive and do anything they want even if I dont want to and I want them to hurt me as much as possible. To ensure pain, I will a lot of the time cut inside of myself, put rubbing alcohol in a turkey baster (how boiling water was done back then) and put rubbing alcohol in myself and that not only makes it hurt worse, it also stops the bleeding so the guy wont know anything and that makes any sort of sex hurt, very bad. Im unsure why and unsure how to stop.
I can enjoy sex without pain as I do, at times, masturbate without pain. But then Im normally thinking of my step dad so that might be re-created trauma in of itself, unsure of that.
I do also cut my gential area on a 'regular' basis. I do that as 'punishment' as it was done back then. And the things I deam need of 'punishments' could be as little as doing something wrong or making someone upset but I am also a cutter (my upper arms) and didnt include that as thats not really re-creating trauma, self harm is a coping mechinism. I included self harming gentials for those of us that had that happen back in the days of trauma.
When I was 14 I touched, molested, a 10 month old baby boy that I was babysitting for about 5 mins before I ran, put him in the playpen and went to go throw up. I had one other fleeing thought soon after about my then 2 yr old nephew but talked myself out of it and I havent thought about it since but "punished" myself for it for years by cutting inside my gentials. I stopped punishing when I had posted about it, in detail here, got non-judgement and wonderful replies and then read it to my therapist, whom knew I did it but never knew the details, my therapist and I had the entire session discussion about it in detail and it seemed some of that self hatred eased and over time I just stopped feeling the need to "punish" myself over it. I was just doing what was being done to me and I thought it was "normal".
Other would also be: I still self do the rituals but now 2 (the one I didnt bring into adulthood and the one I since stopped after posting it on here). Unsure why I feel I need to. I call it a "ritual urge" which is stronger than an addiction ugre, or so it seems. I was able to stop the one by turning it on its end, or upside down (opppsite it seems) but havent yet been able to stop the remainder yet. The sexual seeking ("child prostitute"), I believe, is one of those as my entire mental state turns back into the child prostitute which is why I named it as such. Also a lot of the sexual wanting to be hurt by a partner is also one, I believe as prostituting as a child was a ritual back then as was hurting me, until blood is seen, during sex. So I deem both a ritual (seeking many partners, muliple a lot of the time, and pain during sex).
For those that dont know (some dont), I grew up in a cult headed by my step dad (now dead) and mom.
Ok, so lets talk about your re-creating trauma. This is a judgement free zone. Lets discuss, support each other, help each other...let get this out in the open and really gain some support here.
Remember, if yours isnt listed, select other then explain as I have (if comfortable) as we had individual traumas thus we may re-create it in individual ways.
Write as much or as little as you want and are comfortable with. If you arent comfortable, thats ok. You can write a line or a book. I hope that this serves as a way of good support for those of us that does re-create traumas.
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