Near-constant 'emotional' Flashbacks/can't Study

[Super_Anonymous]

Hello,

I have CPTSD and I'm a full-time math and physics undergraduate. In short, I'm losing the ability to persevere because I cannot focus on my work, so it takes exponentially more and more time the longer I put off self-care in order to do school.

The obvious solution to most people would be to stop doing so much school, but I cannot. Not only is it the only thing I value in life, but I've lived in terrible poverty my whole life and am currently in low income housing that constantly aggravates my PTSD symptoms. So if I stay in school, I can't self care, and if I quit, then my PTSD will be aggravated even worse by spending all my time in this awful building full of drug addicts and newly unhomeless (no offense to those people, I used to be one), and further, I will have lost the thing that keeps me waking up in the morning (my education).

What this post is about is what is stopping me from working: I am constantly dwelling on the things people have done to me. Not necessarily thinking about the actual act, but the injustice of it all. I constantly get stuck in loops where I just have the most amount of incredulity possible about something someone did. For instance, after everything that happened to me when I was a kid, I was just recently was assaulted and had 12 stitches in my lip. It never healed right and my lip is pretty deformed now, and I need a root canal. And I'm trying to study and I'm thinking, "How could that bouncer have said 'you don't know it wasn't an accident.'" Right before the incident, another security guard and several people in the crowd told this guy to get away from me because he was clearly messing with me and I had no idea why! I look rather queer, so I wonder if it's because I look queer. Then I wonder if I did something I don't remember and someone took it the wrong way. But, this guy was definitely messing with me, and 5 minutes later he came back and headbutted me after looking me dead in the face. And then this security guard tells me, while my lip is hanging off, that "I don't know it wasn't an accident."

How could someone do something like that? Why was he victim-shaming me? Why wasn't he on my side when I had just been attacked? Not that it matters, but I'm female and some dude just took my lip off-- this is something culture tells most people to get riled up about! What is wrong with people? And then my incredulity, so unresolved, returns to ways to have prevented this (I know I'm supposed to think it's ridiculous that I could have prevented it, but I don't really feel that. I think I could've prevented it. I've been studying jiu jitsu for years for that very moment... and I still didn't fight for my dignity). There are so many things like this that have happened in my life, that every time I try to read a sentence I have to reread it as many as 10 times! I just cannot get all these things that make no sense, that make the world out to be such a bad place, out of my head. Is there any advice for methods I can try so that I can start to feel more safe and secure immediately, and gain some focus in the very near future? I don't have any safe connections. Thanks for any advice and putting up with the long post.

 

[Stickler]

You studied jiu-jitsu? Are there practice forms?
Do those.
They can help soothe, focus, calm.

...https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis

You may be butting your head against this. The world is NOT just. Life is NOT fair. People do shit that harms you because they want to and they can.
You can parse out motives all you like but does it REALLY matter?

The thing is other people like to think the victim must have done something to "deserve" the awfulness. That way, they don't get to face that horrible stuff can happen to them, because nothing horrible happens to good people, right?
:grumpy:

 

[Super_Anonymous]

Stickler, I agree with you and I have definitely seen my need to see the world as at least often-just in a fallacious light. I just don't know what else to do, because it seems like there's no reason to be a good person just for the sake of being a good person. I would probably be better off if I became a mean and rich person and threw all my ethics to the winds. And I don't like that either, because then I'm no different from my parents. And plus, if I see the world as a generally dangerous place, well, that's already the reason I never go out unless I absolutely have to (including not eating for not wanting to be in public)... And when I do go out I feel a real need to carry a weapon, and then I worry about getting in trouble. So it seems there is no way to deal with seeing the world as it may really be (not very nice most of the time).

I stopped practicing after I got assaulted. But you're probably right in that some yoga would help. I also stopped working out because when I worked out I would just fantasize about getting even with everyone that's hurt me and it was making me worse.

 

[Sideways]

I definitely agree that spending some time on your body/mind health could be really helpful. JJ, yoga, going for a run, relaxtion (guided if you don't practice a lot) - half an hour a day on any of those things will potentially help improve your concentration while you're studying many times over (as well as heaps of other benefits...heaps! Including self confidence).

Are you in therapy? Maybe give that a try if you're not. Very very helpful- especially when we get stuck on particular thoughts.

Another exercise (from a T I had) that I found useful for ruminating and repetitive/obsessive thoughts is when they start interfering, put down the study, and give yourself half an hour. Like, "okay brain, you want to obsess about this? This is your chance" and write it all down. Let all the thoughts come out onto the page, give them the air time they want.

Then quit. Back to study. Thoughts start interfering again? "Sorry brain, you've had your time, you'll have to wait till tomorrow because I've got other stuff to do now".

Takes a bit of practice, but (certainly my experience) your brain tends to run out of puff. The thoughts are circular, so your brain actually recognises "Oh, I've been here already, wrote it down even". It can really help to not just process thoughts, but get them out of your system to write them down.

Just ideas.

 

[Stickler]

...I'm good because I have to live with me. I have to look myself in the eyes in the mirror.
I like me more when I am good.
Admittedly, this is probably because I have an abundance of mirror neurons, and ( unlike sociopaths ), I cannot shut my empathy off very easily.
It takes a great deal of anger to shut my empathy off. People have achieved that, but it takes a fair amount of work on the other person's part.

My dad's evil.
I enjoy being a good person at least in some part for the sheer fact that I can Human way better than him.
:smug:
If you work to be a good person? You WILL be a better person than your parents. That alone is a victory.

 

[Super_Anonymous]

Thanks, Ragdoll Circus. Yoga sounds like the best option right now, and I probably need to buck up a little and do it more often. I just feel like I've been using sheer will to get myself to exercise, go to therapy, write it out, etc., for so long, that I'm just tired. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like running off of sheer willpower is a finite resource and I've used up most of it. I've lifted myself up from homelessness, heroin addiction, into a very promising future and... I just feel like it's taken the umph out of me. But I did get up and stretch just now and I do feel a bit more secure and positive.

When it came to therapy, I've seen four therapists and it was retraumatizing to me every time. One advised me to quit therapy; one discouraged me in prolonged conversation when I mentioned standing up for myself; one, when I said I wanted to start small to establish trust, responded to a story about me being minorly assaulted with, "but I assume you've gone through worse than that, right?" in a very skeptical tone; the final one constantly forgot and missed our appointments. I work 60-80 a week, so I decided it was not paying off for me. I hope one day when I have more money, I can possibly afford someone good with actual experience with child trauma. And anyway, it depresses me that I have to pay someone just to get them to listen to me; that the only person in the world who might really listen to me does so just for the money, and if I didn't have money they wouldn't bother. I suppose I should mention this is my first post here.

Stickler, thanks for the encouragement on keeping my ethics. It is a rare and appreciated pull in a happy direction.

 

[Stickler]

...hey! We listen for free! :woot:

I heard a saying that is rather new to me: " the open mouth gets fed."
Sometimes standing up for yourself CAN result in power-trippy, abusive people getting worse?
But in most situations, the -default-should be to fight fiercely and loudly for yourself.
I just advise you to use your judgement and employ sneakiness if called for.
...Improvise, adapt, overcome!

You are amazing to have battled so much and won. Really. Awesome.

Question? Can you get housed on campus? I don't know what college you attend, and yeah, I KNOW your debt will almost certainly climb if you do?
But you may not finish college if you keep living there at the Trackmarked Arms Apartments...:eek: It sounds both triggering in a PTSD sense and an addiction sense.

 

[Super_Anonymous]

And it is very nice indeed. In fact, I was reading some articles on here yesterday and so much just got put in perspective, and I felt like what's been going on with me is totally normal given the circumstances (it's not my fault). And, while I'm totally new to this, being able to post here and receive some genuine understanding and relating... well it's probably been the first time ever. I think I realized yesterday trying to get understanding from people that don't have close experience with PTSD is probably not the best idea. So thanks to everyone here for the support and encouragement.

Thank you so much for validating my new ideas on sneakiness, Stickler! I began to process the last incident by thinking "stand up mostly. Sometimes, save your ass, use your brain and be as sneaky as it takes to not get hurt." After all, I could've left when he started messing with me. It's okay to sometimes trade a bit of pride for safety. Doesn't mean I'm a helpless child again.

And, very apropos, I have just received a scholarship that I can either pay off my student debt with, or else move onto campus for my last year and a half. I've really been struggling with which is the best decision so you really hit the nail on the head.

 

[corvidae]

go live on campus, is my vote. it was invaluable for me to be closer to resources and the academic community in terms of support and focus. if your debt can be eliminated with scholarship money it shouldn't be too hard, in theory, to pay it off after school, if you keep your wits about you (and it sounds like you already are).

 

[Stickler]

After all, I could've left when he started messing with me.

Yup. Leaving is usually best...
Or hit first, hit hard enough to incapacitate, and run like hell...nobody expects a half-brick in your purse.
Or go to the bouncer and say, "that guy's hassling me and I have no idea why."
Or whip out your cellphone and take a picture.

And, very apropos, I have just received a scholarship that I can either pay off my student debt with, or else move onto campus for my last year and a half. I've really been struggling with which is the best decision so you really hit the nail on the head.

YUSSS!!!! And I think corvidae has it. Get through first, get the magic piece of paper, THEN worry about ( grad school ) the debt...

 

[mary1979]

When I get stuck in self pity mode (not to be taken negatively, a very healthy part of healing is mourning loss, so long as you dont let yourself stay there too long) I always force myself to think of the good that has come from my experiences collectively.

Want some inspiration?
I've only seen this one single post of yours and can see plenty.

How bad ass are you that you haven't let your history of poverty and neglect get in the way of your now?
Homeless? No more.
Uneducated? Well on your way out of that space.
Uncaring people in an uncaring world? You did not let yourself become one.

Without all you have been through its doubtful you would have half the strength you do.

Dont let 'them' beat you, keep fighting.
You've clearly got the spirit that many lack x

 

[The ANP]

I struggled with my PTSD all through the college experience. In the end I found that if I talked to my professors and advisers about my struggle overall they were very supportive and able to work with me and offer some help in balancing the load. (It took failing out and losing my financial aide to figure this out). Many colleges offer discounted counseling and support services to students. I know finding a good therapist is difficult, I had 7 before I found one I could work with. Don't get discouraged. If you get a bad match just move on. Good luck with your studies. It is admirable that you are doing this while balancing PTSD related issues. Give yourself credit for that.