Lots On My Mind.. More Then Usual

[Deleted member 29311]

It's kind of a disappointment when you realize that therapy can't help you and that the only way out right now are meds.

It's like how the hell did I end up in this situation, why did this have to happen, this isn't how I pictured myself going through life.. feeling like this. Sure, my life may not be the worst right now compared to some people I know (although it's the worst it's been for me in a way so far, I keep marching forward).

This isn't what caused PTSD, although when I turned 16 I ended up developing severe OCD (and social anxiety) which got so bad that I lost all of my friends in high school and really didn't have a life. Because of that I fell into a huge depression for the following 3 years. I could barely make any moves without having to repeat countless different sentences in my head ''just right'', walk back and forth and touch things hundreds of times ''just right'', etc. I honestly could not touch anything, walk, talk, breath, drive, etc. without OCD being involved, it was brutal and it sucked. Want to drive to the grocery store to get milk? Well that'll only take like 2 hours after the OCD's satisfied with a healthy dose of anxiety, panic attacks, anger and frustration.

After I turned 20, I was finally able to have professional help for my mental health issues at a mental hospital. By that point my depression was over, although my OCD was at an all time high. I had to drop out of college and couldn't do anything because of my anxiety disorder, aka the OCD, allowed me to do freag all without feeling like I was going to die or go crazy.

After 2 years of ERP therapy, hundreds of panic attacks and all that fun stuff, I was finally able to some how get rid of my debilitating OCD and have somewhat of a life again, until some other stuff happened and here I am, dealing with a different illness.

It's like always one thing after the other, can't I just have one day again where I can actually feel ''normal'' and at peace? I just needed to vent, it's been a rough day for me.

 

[ladee]

Sending you gentle hugs for having a sucky day... But wow, you have accomplished a lot!!!!. The ODC by itself is crazymaking.... mine is very moderate and it drives me nuts..
Guess you will have to make you a special day. I do. I will plan to do something I enjoy, and no matter what, I make it happen... If I don't get a whole day, then I make do with some hours...
Sorry this has been a bad day, and hope you feel better for sharing it. Venting helps ~~

 

[BlueDream]

I am sorry you have had such a rough day CMan. ((Hugs))

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Thanks guys, you're awesome.

ladee, I may just do that, thanks :)

 

[Seasounds]

Gosh, you've been through a lot, and done so well. Be easy on yourself. I hope today is better than yesterday.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Gosh, you've been through a lot, and done so well. Be easy on yourself. I hope today is better than yest...

Thank you for your kind words Saetva, same to you.

 

[mary1979]

Ocd sounds like a real pain.
I dont have any experience with it, what treatments helped you with it?

I'm betting that if you are strong enough to work your way out of ocd, then most of your other symptoms would be a walk in the park!

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Ocd sounds like a real pain.
I dont have any experience with it, what treatments helped you with it?...

OCD can be brutal, most people do not suffer from it to a point where it interferes with their life.

I've always refused to take meds, I used Exposure Response Prevention therapy in order to ''retrain'' my brain, which took 2 years.

You make up a list of OCD habits on a list of 1 to 10, 10 being obsessions and compulsions that cause the most intense anxiety, fear and panic. You then expose yourself over and over on purpose starting with the lower numbers, 1 to 3 for example, then when you feel ''comfortable'' with that, move on to the next highest on your list, 4 to 6 and so on. Eventually you reach the most severe OCD habits although by that time you've ''retrained'' your brain and exposed yourself to lower triggers and anxiety over and over so much that the 10s feel like 5s instead.

The difficult part is that your brain wants to leave certain exceptions although if you do that, you risk messing up your whole progress and setting yourself up all the way back to the start. You can't have any kind of exceptions, you have to get rid of every single compulsion and obsession in order to overcome it (OCD).

Now I can tell you that I've been dealing PTSD for years and you cannot overcome it using the same method. At least personally for me it doesn't work. I have no clue how or if I'll ever overcome my current symptoms although I remain hopeful and do my research. I really wish I could overcome this the same way I did with OCD although PTSD and OCD are two very different illnesses and unfortunately work in different ways.

However, I've found methods that help diminish the intensity of many PTSD-related symptoms, although like everyone, some days are worse or better then others.

Thanks for the encouragement, I wish you the best mary1979 :)

 

[mary1979]

Thats sounds pretty intense, and not much different to the cbt I used to work my way through flashbacks years ago.
Also similar to how I treat my anxiety (not always successfully lol)

But the depression and disassociation I've yet to talk myself out of haha

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Thats sounds pretty intense, and not much different to the cbt I used to work my way through flashback...

It was.. An important part of it was to monitor the ''anxiety level''. So let's say you expose yourself to a number 5 on your OCD scale, you then purposely sit with the anxiety and fear and keep a journal marking down your ''anxiety level'' immediately after exposure, then after 15 minutes, 1 hour, etc. until it's no longer present, which means you've successfully overcome the exposure. You fail the exposure if you perform a compulsion (aka the OCD habit) and then you must restart over and over until you no longer perform any compulsions and it doesn't make you anxious any more.

It's also extremely difficult because it feels like your body has a mind of it's own and you have to fight yourself so much in order not to perform the compulsion.

You basically learn that the fear inside your head is made-up and that you're not going to go crazy, the anxiety will not last forever, it always goes away eventually.

Depression and disassociation can be very difficult to deal with, I send you all the best wishes! I'm sending positive thoughts.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug: