Sexual Assault Dear Man Who Decided To Make Sexual Comments About Me

[scout86]

To ask, or expect that society change for me would be ridiculous, and pretty much ensure I don't ever get well.

Sometimes, when "society" is wrong, NOT to demand that it change is the wrong thing to do. How do we ever make progress, if no one has the courage to stand up to bullies and bigots?

 

[joeylittle]

I am a sufferer myself

And also a therapist, correct?

and am learning to dissociate from triggers is the challenge in seeking mental clarity and health.

You are mixing up 'trigger' with 'stressor'.

Correct - learning to manage the response to a trigger - which is a fairly agitated PTSD response, whether one masks it or no - is on the individual.

Responding to a stressor - such as someone calling me a fat lazy cow as I walk down the street - is a different thing.

I might choose to tell the person to shut their f*cking face.

I might choose to stay non-judgemental and know that it's nothing to do with me.

I might get upset, not know what to do, realize I'm having an inner trauma response to an old stressor, go home, and work on it. I might even be talented enough to write about it.

But was I supposed to simply tolerate an inappropriate comment because I am fat?

Was @Simply Simon supposed to tolerate an inappropriate comment about her attractiveness?

(I'm being as non-inflammatory about his comment as possible. I'm even considering what the guy might have thought he was doing....let's give him the benefit of the doubt)

Answer: no. It's really simple. She didn't have to have a non-response because it's her job to manage her own stressors...she's entitled to respond however she wants to what was an inappropriate comment.

This isn't rocket science.

@Cashew - not a troll, but possibly trolling the topic for an interesting but not applicable intellectual argument.

@Alistair - can you give us an example of an inappropriate comment that someone might make to you, that is as offensive?

ETA: I'm not sure you can, because you have probably been less objectified as a sexual object by society. But if you are a person of color, you might have a way to identify. Or if you are a gay man. Or....anything where you aren't part of the historic dominant power base. I'm not using buzz words, just being realistic.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Simply Simon. Your letter was very well written and you expressed yourself, your feelings and spoke for many women. I know that this might not be taken well, but not all women would find his remark disgusting or degrading. Yes some men can be pigs and they don't know when to keep their mouths shut, but I do know women that feel that it's a compliment. They feel noticed, sexy and like they still have it.

I'm sorry that you were hurt by this. I just always try and choose to not let stuff like this get to me, it's just not worth my getting sick over it. Sometimes, shit just happens.

 

[RussH]

It's not what happens, it's how one reacts.

You are wrong. It is what happens. This is a situation where a man, a stranger, made a comment to a young female. Almost any female hearing a comment like this will feel frightened, humiliated and dirty.

It is not an issue of how she reacted, it is an issue how this scumbag man thought he had the right to sexually assault someone verbally.

 

[scout86]

Might be just me. My response would have shot past fear to anger and what made me the most angry was the use of the word "that". His failure to act like she could hear him suggests her feelings didn't matter to him. His use of the word "that" suggests that, to him, she isn't even a person. The problem in that situation was the speaker, not Simon.

I guess I can imagine taking something like that as a compliment, but it's a stretch. :(

 

[Ellabella44]

frightened, humiliated and dirty yes @RussH exactly the feeling when hearing this stuff as a younger woman.

Because of men who have taken it too far and used a female as a thing whether just a passing grope or full violation itself, yes these callouts are the first indication that this man sees you as a violator did.

Love your letter Simon. It would be great if all you had to do to stop these guys from doing it again was give them a copy and tell them to study it... there will be another woman coming by to test you on if you learned a thing or two.

 

[joeylittle]

Agree with @scout86 on the use of 'that', which is seeming to speak to a body or body part, vs speaking to or about a person.

 

[Alistair]

And also a therapist, correct?



You are mixing up 'trigger' with 'stressor'.

Correct - learning t...

I can actually think of many. Some of which damage my ability to grow as a person at a very young age. I'm dealing with this and many other things in therapy now.

 

[Ronin]

@Cashew - not a troll, but possibly trolling the topic for an interesting but not applicable intellectual argument.

Good enough, thanks for the check Joey.

*finally goes to catch up on Friday's glorious vid*

 

[Lionheart]

"I hope you don't mind my saying that you are attractive" .....would have been a better comment, methinks?

As a man, I feel bad that he talked to you in the manner that he did, not all men think of women as pieces of meat .....although, unfortunately, it does seem to be a lot of men that do.

I really liked your letter to him and am happy you posted this thread.

Hopefully there will not be a next time, but I hope you shame the guy who does this to you, if there is... I, for one, would stand up and applaud you!!!

 

[Alistair]

No @Alistair.

This backpedaling you're displaying right now won't work.
It's very muc...

I must have misunderstood the tone of this forum. I didn't realise it was so politically correct.

If you see someone heading for a cliff edge, do you not say anything?

 

[Alistair]

And also a therapist, correct?



You are mixing up 'trigger' with 'stressor'.

Correct - learning t...

Historic dominant power base?

I don't have driver or a membership to a private club or my own tailor, so who's objectifying now?

I'm a white 55 year old male who's struggling with profound mental health challenges that have recently resulted in the loss of my business, the seperation from my wife and the sale of my home. While I'm not complaining and certainly not playing victim, I'm surprised at your profound lack of consideration for a fellow sufferer of ptsd by making a sweeping generalization about my class position.

Funny funny funny.