Sex: How Willing Should A Therapist Be To Talk About It?

[Tatahe]

No, it's not. It's finding someone who simply does the job they're paid to do -- just like clerks, cabdrivers, and candle...

There are crap clerks, cab drivers, & candlestick makers out there, too. And people are infinitely more complex than melted wax, driving laws, and counting change. Therapy is as much, if not more, art than science. What works brilliantly for one person? Won't work at all for another. People aren't like cars. Can't just go in and say "fix me".

 

[Emov]

There are crap clerks, cab drivers, & candlestick makers out there, too. And people are infinitely more complex than melted wax, driving laws, and counting change. Therapy is as much, if not more, art than science. What works brilliantly for one person? Won't work at all for another. People aren't like cars. Can't just go in and say "fix me".

My point is that the therapists that have screwed me all knew what they were doing. It wasn't because they didn't "get me" nor because of any ignorance or lack of expertise. It was just them weaseling out of doing what they didn't feel like doing -- listen and talk about what the patient needs to talk about. Table stakes for therapists, not Olympic gold medal stuff.

 

[Rejuf]

Keep in mind that she's sitting in her place of work as a "professional" trying to maintain composure and do her job. Of course she was stifling it as best she could -- she didn't want me to know that she was triggered

I have read the whole thread, and still think you are making some major assumptions. Did I miss the bit where you said "were you triggered" and she said "yes I was"? Because anything else is an assumption, sorry.

If you honestly believe you cannot get any other therapist, and this one is better than nothing - and you want to make the situation improve instead of being able to play the victim - then say to her in explicit detail "when I said X and you responded by shifting in your chair, avoiding eye contact, and saying "'why don't we talk about Y or Z" - I interpreted your response as you being triggered by X. I'd like to talk about X. Am I correct in my assumption that you were triggered?"

And when she says whatever she says and you believe she is lying, say:

"You are turning your body away from me while you say that, and it's very hard for me to believe you are not avoiding something. This is important to me, and I'd very much like to spend this session talking it out."

Run the session. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Either the relationship will get stronger, or you and she will continue to mis-communicate.

Til then, you cannot know.

I think of myself as being able to read people pretty well, and I've been shocked by my therapist a few times. Times I've completely misinterpreted the combination of body language and words.

 

[Emov]

have read the whole thread, and still think you are making some major assumptions. Did I miss the bit where you said "were you triggered" and she said "yes I was"? Because anything else is an assumption, sorry.

If you honestly believe you cannot get any other therapist, and this one is better than nothing - and you want to make the situation improve instead of being able to play the victim - then say to her in explicit detail "when I said X and you responded by shifting in your chair, avoiding eye contact, and saying "'why don't we talk about Y or Z" - I interpreted your response as you being triggered by X. I'd like to talk about X. Am I correct in my assumption that you were triggered?"

But what's the point? If she has deep seated issues around sex and abhors talking about it, the best communication in the world isn't going to change that. Why would I want to keep dragging myself over there to pull teeth and beg her to talk about something she's determined not to talk about?

Also, a large percentage of body language is non-verbal. It's hard for me to write down every facial expression, every change in the tone of her voice, every uncrossing and recrossing of the legs, every clearing of the throat, roving of the eyes, mysterious silence, nervous laugh, etc., etc, etc.

And then there is simply observing her behavior.

Me: "Are you triggered by sex?"
Her: "No." Goes back to avoiding.
Me: "Are you sure you're not triggered by sex?"
Her: "I have no triggers." Goes back to avoiding.
Me: After revealing some sexual trauma. "Do you have anything to add?"
Her: Tense silence. "Not really."
Me: "I really need to talk about sex more. Can we please?"
Her: "Suuuuure." Goes back to avoiding.
Me: "I still feel like your're avoiding sex."
Her: "I'm not avoiding it, I just thought x was interesting."
Me: "But I told you I need to talk about sex, and you seem triggered and avoidant every time I mention it."
Her: "I could argue with you all day."

How long could you put up with this without going crazy?

 

[Emov]

Also, a large percentage of body language is non-verbal.

EDIT: A large percentage of COMMUNICATION is non-verbal.

 

[Agewe]

Is that a conversation you've actually had with her, or how you imagine it would go? Because what you describe sounds argumentative, what has been suggested by the previous poster is that you name to her the things you see in her (body language) that make you think she doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm unclear about what you want from this thread - other than for folk to agree with you and tell you your therapist is a bit shit at her job. If you can't change therapist, and you want to talk about sex (or any other issue that might be delicate or difficult), you as the client need to find a way to address with your T that she isn't giving you what you want.

Of course it may be you need to rant about it and don't want anyone to unpick it with you or suggest a way forward, nothing wrong with that but it would help to know if that's the case.

 

[Emu]

I'm unclear about what you want from this thread - other than for folk to agree with you and tell you your therapist is a bit shit at her job. If you can't change therapist, and you want to talk about sex (or any other issue that might be delicate or difficult), you as the client need to find a way to address with your T that she isn't giving you what you want

This ^^
I have found the greatest growth in me has come from this kind of conversation - not comfortable, not what id usually do, something that challenges my own edge.
Venting is fine and we all do it, but if you're looking for fresh insight or changed in yourself, venting is a deAd end.

 

[Emov]

Is that a conversation you've actually had with her, or how you imagine it would go?

Someone on this thread kept insisting that if she said she wasn't triggered or avoiding than I imagined it. So I wanted to illustrate how ridiculously obvious it was that the therapist was lying. That was the point of that post, not just venting.

 

[Upela]

Are you going to see her again? I'd be tempted to be really confrontational with her and tell her she's being unprofessional.

 

[Emov]

Are you going to see her again?

No, I already dumped her. Now I'm high and dry and needing therapy with a serious dearth of options.

 

[Ulen]

Someone on this thread kept insisting that if she said she wasn't triggered or avoiding than I imagined it. So I wanted t...

If you know the truth, then why keep up an argument with an anonymous stranger on the internet?

I don't get it.

 

[Emov]

If you know the truth

I believe I know the truth, but I'm open to other ideas. If you allow the open contest of ideas, the truth should eventually emerge. That's the idea of free speech. I'm still open to being proven wrong if someone can do it.