Supporter My Husband Has Ptsd & I Am In Pieces

[Denised6237]

Hello everyone,

This is a very hard subject for me to talk about but I have to talk to someone who knows something about PTSD to at least help keep me sane....

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. He left for Afghanistan in 2011 and all that came back was a shadow of my caring husband. I have tried for the past 5 years to hold this together, to hold myself together, but its proving futile. He has only gotten worse and all i want to do is help him, because i still love him so much... He is the love of my life and i feel so lost at this point.

Just yesterday he told me that he cant do this with me anymore. Hes hurt me too much and i deserve to be with someone that can love me and give me the things that i want to be given when it comes to romance. he says that he shouldnt be married, hes not capable of loving anyone and that he doesnt really love me anymore. He also said that hes a dirt bag that should be alone for the rest of his life. when i tell him that i love him and i am here to help him get better no matter what comes our way, he just tells me that i shouldnt love him so much because he is a dirt bag and he doesnt deserve me. Hes pushing me away and hes starting to say hurtful things and then confusing me.

Im confused!! He tells me he loves me one second then the next tells me that he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasn't loved me for a couple years now and that i should leave and find someone that can make me happy like i deserve to be...

Why can't he understand that i just want to be with him?? He refuses to go to couples counseling with me one second then tells me to schedule it and he'll go but then says that he never said that and he is not going. I feel that when i bring that up he gets colder and colder with me. He cant even look me in the face most times or even want me to touch him. I feel like i have lost myself over the years trying to help him be better that i also am just a shadow. A Shadow cannot help another Shadow see light if its living in the dark... i think that this has made me realize that but is it too late for us?

All i can do at this moment is get help for myself and give him space and hope that he finally gets help for himself. Ive already lost my husband once and im not sure if i am ready to lose him again, even if it is just his shadow.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums Denisedde6237!

All I can do at this moment is get help for myself and give him space and hope that he finally gets help for himself.

Actually, this is a great idea. He may be all over the place about scheduling couples counseling, but that doesn't mean you have to be. Schedule it and go. Even if you go alone. It might help prompt him to come along with. Also, individual counseling and other support for you is a great idea.

It's like when they give the airline safety drill, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping someone else pull on theirs. Take care of you, and whatever happens in the marriage will be easier to endure and ride out through this horrible storm. :hug:

 

[Denised6237]

Welcome to the forums Denisedde6237!


Actually, this is a great idea. He may be all over the place...

Thank you. I am actually going to my first appointment with my mom, I am not sure if I can do it alone in the beginning. I am hopeful but I am also trying to remain realistic. There are times were I feel so strong and there are times were I can't even hold it together. All I can do is pray that he can find his way, although i would prefer to be by his side.

 

[scout86]

Is he getting any kind of therapy?

Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of resources here, and elsewhere. And there's reason for hope. But, as my therapist told me the first time we talked, this is not something that goes away by itself and it's pretty hard to deal with it without help.

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. I understand were your coming from. I was where you are not that long ago. I go to therapy for myself and do couples Counseling with hubby. Just make sure the counsellor has P.T.S.D experience. If your going to support him, you need to be strong within yourself. Sending hugs and understanding.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[justme78]

Hi and thank you for sharing your story. I can only speak for myself but I know having PTSD has been easier when I am alone. Being in a relationship is difficult especially when it comes to trusting and being able to lean on others. I know that when I am alone I can establish and routine and be more productive. As soon as I am in a relationship I stop working, schedule is all over the place I want things done in a predicable certain way and if anything falls off course I become a mess. Then I feel guilty because I know some things are not fair to the other person and I want to leave so they will be happy but at the same time I am afraid to lose them. It is a constant battle. Most days I am calm and on a schedule but not productive. I wake up straighten the house, don't work and watch TV all day until dinner. Other days when the movie won't shut off in my head I can't get out of bed, listen to music, hurt all over and cry all day and night. I think your husband loves you but is trapped in his head and once that happens it is difficult to get out. Think of it like this you are in a dark movie theater and you start watching the most fearful parts of your life over and over reliving all the emotions, stress, fears, anger, disappointments basically everything you felt at that time. You want it to stop and you want to walk away but can't. Just stays continuous all day and all night. That's just your head now you body is moving and interacting with people and that's where the confusion comes into play. You see them in front of you but you are lost in your head. My advice is to keep it light as possible, love him from a short distance, no expectations no deep conversations. And most of all get him help and pray

 

[Denised6237]

Is he getting any kind of therapy?

Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of resources here, and elsewh...

He has been getting therapy for the last couple of months but only because he wanted the va benefits, if it wasn't for that then he wouldnt have even gone. He even stopped going for a month and his therapist continually called him trying to get him back in and even sent him a letter telling him it was very important that he went back to therapy. He doesnt take it seriously, thats the problem. I do believe that something more holistic would help him because talking is not something that he's willing to do, he thinks sharing feelings and emotions are stupid and unnecessary. I can't even cry in front of him because he says im being stupid and this is stupid.

He says he doesnt want to try anymore because he doesnt want to waste anymore time, he cant do romance and emotions and he knows that i want that. He is adamant that he will not go to couples counseling because he doesnt need to sit with an educated asshole and have him tell him to be romantic and give him bullshit homework. Oh and he also told me that PTSD is a joke that it was only something he did for the %... Why cant he see that he's in real trouble. Ive been trying so hard for so long and i dont know how much more i can take with him pushing me away so hard. it hurts too much with every single rejection.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Guppy34]

I really relate to your story. My husband of 14 years told me recently he was done, he couldn't be a husband and he couldn't be a father anymore(we have five children). We've always had a wonderful marriage, caring and loving relationship. I've been there to support him through everything, Seer school and a deployment to Afghanistan in 2012, and I am willing to support him through his PTSD. He tells me he can't. He won't go to therapy or counseling. He has never been and says he doesn't believe they can help him. He says he can't trust anyone with what he has to say. He apologizes to me and tells me that it isn't me, even though he tells me that I can't give him what he needs. He tells me to run far away from him and all I want is to be by his side and love him. And all he wants is quiet and solitude. He acts like he needs and wants me but pushes me away and talks as if he were evil, a horrible person. I can't fix this either. I am with you. Completely confused and I feel as if I am starting to go crazy. Miserable in love.