Dilemma

[Casey_03]

I'm trying to sort my thoughts out about something and desperately need objective opinions and advice. As some of you may remember from my earlier threads, the father of my newborn (now 7-week-old) baby tormented me throughout my pregnancy, engaged in emotional and verbal abuse and did everything he could to make my life hell. Well he has now claimed to have a change of heart about the baby and apologize for his behavior (though I'm not sure how sincere he is). When my relatives were in town visiting recently, I did let him meet the baby, at their advice. He was loving and devoted and seemed like a good father. During his visit, strangely, we got along as if nothing bad ever happened -- I think because the presence of the baby neutralized things temporarily and neither of us wanted to expose the baby to any negativity. Anyway, since that visit, the father messages often asking for pictures and video, asking things about the baby, etc. For the most part he has been nice and supportive. Which is exactly the problem ... because I have found myself chatting with him as if nothing ever happened, when in reality I know that deep down I'm still not over the abuse I suffered at his hands.
But I feel numb about the abuse, completely. It's almost like I think back to that and imagine that it happened to someone else, not me. And I know that's actually a really bad sign and means I haven't dealt with it yet, and that it'll come back to bite me in the ass. But I guess I don't know what kind of boundary to set now, since he does seem to be good for the baby. At times I recall how he treated me and want to tell him to f*ck off completely, but then I realize I can't deprive the baby of his father now that his father seems to genuinely want to play a positive role. But at the same time, it's not healthy for me to make nice with my abuser as if nothing happened. What do I do? To make matters worse, I am very isolated and alone right now, with no family around and no real friends, so I feel like I'm more vulnerable with the father --- he's literally the only person I have to talk to about the baby, and that's dangerous, because it almost gives the illusion we are friends, when in fact he abused me.
I don't know how to allow him to play a role in the baby's life now without retraumatizing myself or prolonging my own recovery. But the baby is priority. Do I just have to suck it up? I honestly have no idea what to do in this situation. I've thought about trying to find some third party to deal with all correspondence with the father so that I can have no contact with him, but that seems unrealistic. And I haven't been able to find any sort of mediators who even offer that service. Thoughts?

 

[ladee]

The first thing that came to mind was, you may want to email or text him, and let him know you both have to have a conversation about what all went on during your pregnancy... and how he reacts or responds is going speak volumes...and if he chooses not to have a conversation... then maybe you will have to heal this on your own... we have all had to do work about abusers on our own... and do the healing work it involves...
I know you will not keep the baby from him... he has at least proven he can do this part....But I absolutely understand what you are saying... you may trust him around the baby, but you have a lot of hurt feelings and anger that is not being addressed.. and as you said, that is not good for you...
What do you need from him if you do get to have this conversation? What are your expectations? Do you feel that getting to talk to him about it will put closure or help you to heal?
I'm pretty sure he is well aware of what he put you thru.... and is damned lucky you let him participate with the baby... what a great mom you are Casey... makes me just smile like an idiot !!!
Ask your self the hard questions, and be very honest with your answers to yourself... no, don't suck it up... you do have to heal that, with or without him... Even if he said he was sorry, would you believe him... ?? Are you going to ask him why he did the things he did, and if he shares that, will you believe him..."? I'm sure you have a lot of questions you can come up with before or even if, you choose to try and talk this out...
Do you feel he is 'getting off scott free' by not having the conversation? Sounds like to me he was motivated by fear, and is probably shaking in his boots waiting for you to confront him about this... or is he the type that expects you just to move on??? You have those answers.... take your time.... get very clear with yourself about it all... then proceed.. either to heal it by yourself... or hear what he has to say if he is willing...

Now... I am going to be super selfish... can we please see a new pic of Little Man?? If you don't want to , I understand... but either way, please give him lots of kisses on his little head and tell him he is loved sight unseen... Hugs to you Casey.... and lots of respect and admiration for how you have handled all of this.

 

[Casey_03]

@ladee I'm actually glad you asked for a pic, cause it put me in a better mood )) I did try to have a conversation with him about what he put me through (not in person, but through chat). He didn't want to talk about it at length, said only that he was sorry, and then when I tried to push for more of an explanation/tell him in detail how much harm he caused me he just said "but that's in the past now and we have to move forward." So, to me, he doesn't really feel remorse or fully grasp how much harm he caused. And he still has a very strange stance -- his position is that he doesn't respect me or like me but loves the baby, which I suppose is being honest but I also find it sort of confusing? Because from what I can tell, he wasn't apologizing to me personally for what he put ME through, he was apologizing for putting the baby in that position. That's why I find this so confusing. It's great that he loves the baby, but if he has no remorse about abusing me ... then why am I even letting him in? So yes, I do feel like he got off scot free. He contacted me the other night, crying, saying he had found my baby registry online and was so sad that no one had bought the baby anything. He kept saying it was making him cry to realize the baby was so alone. I said, "you do realize you created this situation, that he came into this world with only me, that no one came to see him at the hospital, all because you chose to be an asshole." He didn't respond to that. But I get the feeling that he honestly doesn't comprehend that he is to blame for so much pain. There seems to be some major disconnect. I guess my issue is that he'll talk to me and laugh and act all nice, but then underlying that warm attitude there is his mentality that he doesn't respect me, doesn't feel remorse for the abuse, etc .... but still expects me to let him play an active role with the baby and make nice with him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've thought about trying to find some third party to deal with all correspondence with the father so that I can have no contact with him, but that seems unrealistic. And I haven't been able to find any sort of mediators who even offer that service.

Its not unrealistic, at least not in the States as its happens here all the time. I guess its Ukrainian because I google it and other the State information here comes up. Happens so much that I get US info even when I specifically put Ukrainian in there lol.

Do you know anyone at all that that could be that 3rd party even if its a neighbor you trust? Trust being the most important word there.

I do not that its a huge injustice to not allow an abusive ex to talk to you and if that means he doesnt see his son, well then he can find a 3rd party service. Thats my opinion.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He's ADORABLE @Casey_03! A big boy already holding his bottle!

 

[joeylittle]

@Casey_03 - this might sound really odd, but do you still get along with your ex's mother?

If she's a reasonable person, and you like her, perhaps she could help?

I don't think it's a betrayal to yourself to be civil with him; that can be a choice you make, so long as you have a clear understanding with yourself that you will keep the interactions focused on your son, and when the other stuff comes up, say what you need but don't expect contrition or change.

I think the most problematic thing would be to get into a situation where a connection to the baby is dependent on your ex giving a heartfelt apology.

And, the time will probably come when the rubber will need to meet the road. Certainly you should brook no bullshit. But until then, detachment might be a good way to go.

And I do think enlisting his mother could be helpful - I know it's strange because it's his mom, but she's the closest thing to extended family you have in Europe...is that correct?

 

[ladee]

Ohhhh @Casey_03 !!!! He is so beautiful... and look how much weight he has gained... little chunky monkey !!! He is still tiny tho... oh what I wouldn't give to get my hands on him... one rotten child in the making !!! Thank you so much for sharing him with us.... He has a 'village' loving him.... and all that hair... oh my, I'm just all goofy and silly and wanting to hold him so bad...and his perfect little nose and his long fingers... oh , I'm just so in love... again, please give Little Man lots of kisses for me.
He has told you how he feels, what he is not going to talk about... so that is your clue to deal with it...And if you think you are going to make him pay or wake him up by saying things to piss him off, because he is incapable of either telling you the truth or he just doesn't care....You, at the same time, or under no obligation to listen to his guilt about not stepping up during the pregnancy... that part, you get to set a boundary about.... he doesn't want to talk about.. fine... but you don't have to listen either...all it does is piss you off and hurt you, he has no idea what you went thru.. none... I am sorry he is such a bastard... in regard to you. It is a crappy situation... in order for Little Man to have him in his life... you have to allow him around... and it is going to bring up feelings.. no way out of that part... so the best damned revenge... getting over the hurt without him.. doesn't matter if he sees it, or feels it, or ever owns it... that is not yours...
Yours is to heal the pain the man caused... sucks, not fair on any realm... but there ya have it... You are one of the strongest bravest women I have ever known....Look at all you went thru... and here you are.. a loving mom, allowing the asshole into the babies life... that is a beyond honorable... because you are doing it for Little Man, not him...
Do what you have to do to heal this.. the best revenge is moving on... get clear about your boundaries of listening to his whining.... you owe him nothing.... not easy, but hell woman, none of it's been easy... it will be hard to be around him and not say out loud every crappy thing he has ever done... and trust me sweetie... he is NOT getting off scott free... Maybe not today, or tomorrow... but he will pay consequences.... and your conscious will be clean... you can't see it now because you are hurt and you want him to know it... he knows and doesn't care... as long as he treats Little Man good, helps you to take care of him... you fix you... that takes ALL the power away from him... not easy, but doable...
Thank you again for the picture... putting it in a save file... so when I am down, I will look at Little Man and be so proud of his brave mama !!! Hugs to you Casey... you are a warrior... and warriors do not let one man take them down...

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I commend you @Casey_03 for handling your situation with such grace. You are wise for paying attention to your feelings and concern about having the father completely re-enter a situation in which you felt vulnerable and emotionally violated. In abusive situations, there is something we refer to as "a honeymoon" phase in which the abuser will attempt to be on their "best behavior" and once their counterpart has their guard down, they begin behaving inappropriately again, sometimes increasing in intensity. Abuse tends to cycle so your being cautious is wise. Reaching out to develop support(s) if possible may be helpful in the care of your baby and to your well being. Thank you for sharing a pic of your new baby boy. ~ Many Blessings.

 

[Casey_03]

I think the most problematic thing would be to get into a situation where a connection to the baby is dependent on your ex giving a heartfelt apology.

Right, this is exactly my concern. I know I can't really demand or even ask for an apology, because he'll feel like he has to give me one just cause I'm the gatekeeper to the baby. So basically, I have to realize that everything he says may be insincere anyway. To answer your question about his mom, I don't really get along with her at this point. His whole family, including her, have judged me harshly for getting pregnant under what they see as questionable circumstances -- he convinced them all the baby was the result of a one-night stand and that he and I were never in a relationship and were only friends. For whatever reason, they believe that and have placed the blame squarely on me for being irresponsible and allowing a baby to be born in less than ideal circumstances. Obviously, they don't know how he treated me but I think it'd be pointless for me to try and tell his mother at this point; she has firmly taken his side. But I do think my best bet would be trying to find some neutral third party to act as mediator ... not his mom ... but perhaps there is some other, more distant member of his family. I'd use my own family but they're too far away ...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

they believe that and have placed the blame squarely on me for being irresponsible and allowing a baby to be born in less than ideal circumstances.

Ummm, its 2016 even in the Ukrainian, ever heard of condoms? It takes two to tango and create a child, why is it your fault?

 

[Casey_03]

@lostforgottensoul I'm equally confused about it ... I really have no idea what sort of lies he has been telling them. I assume that he's brainwashed them and probably told them I somehow "trapped" him with the baby. Which is an outrageous lie, but I think that's what he told them. I suspect he may have lied and said I was supposed to be on birth control but stopped taking it without his knowledge ... which is not true at all, he knew I wasn't on birth control. But I do think that's what he's told them. Anyway, that's part of the problem -- I can't even really fight back against any of this stuff because then it will be portrayed as the bitter ex depriving her baby of his father.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I suspect he may have lied and said I was supposed to be on birth control but stopped taking it without his knowledge

They honestly then need better birth control (in all forms) education.

Link Removed

My step mom got preg at age 16 on the pill and with her son using a condom and they are her only 2 children lol. So much for "she was supposed to be on the pill" as the only 100% effective birth control is abstinence.

I get cultural difference but damn!

ETA: My point was reguardless of excuses, blame is equally both. But i do get cultural differences. Rather sucks, blaming women all the time like that.