Dilemma

[Casey_03]

@lostforgottensoul His family is actually Indian, so I have been thinking that may have something to do with the very sexist way they seem to view things. There is definitely a cultural component, I think. At least, that's the only thing that would make sense to me.

 

[scout86]

When you mention a cultural component, I wonder how much difference it makes that the baby is a boy.

I guess I have a couple thoughts. First some connection to his paternal family is probably good. And you could use some support, financial and otherwise. It seems possible that the father panicked when he found out you were pregnant, made a bunch of assumptions, and reacted badly. So you know he can be nice when it's smooth sailing, but not to expect much when the chips are down.

My thought would be accept what they have to offer but don't expect anything more than that. But be aware that there might be strings attached from their end too. It doesn't have to be an all or none deal. Just don't expect too much.

 

[Casey_03]

@scout86 Thanks, I think that's very sound advice. That's how I'm trying to handle things right now -- I'm not giving them too much and not expecting much. The father may have become nice, but he still hasn't helped out financially in any way, and hasn't offered to. I'd say there's been an improvement in his attitude but he's still a bit of a shit - makes a lot of demands of me but hasn't really put in much effort himself. But hey, I'm just glad he loves the baby; that's really all I can hope for.

 

[ladee]

@Casey_03, also sounds as if the 'family' has contributed to him being a 'brat' ! He didn't get this way in a vacuum.And he hasn't offered any financial support?
I hope you find someone who can be a liason and don't have to have any contact with him. It would be too much for me to be around him with all the feelings you have, not being considered from him.
All I know is, you have a beautiful child. And you are a fantastic mom. He can never take that from you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The father may have become nice, but he still hasn't helped out financially in any way, and hasn't offered to.

You know what happens to a parent that does that in Florida? Their driver's licence is supended. This State is HUGE on paying your child support, as it should be and should be that way in all States.

Im unsure of country/local laws about child support but according to this Dead Link Removed it seems to be the same so hell, take him to court for child support! That way he legally responsible for his part financially of raising your son and I would tell the father that until he starts to pitch into the cost of raising your joint son then he has no rights to see him. Fatherhood is way more than just seeing the baby once in a while and holding him, its also financially contibuting to the cost of raising him.

I get that you dont want to deny your son his father but his father is an abuser. Whom says he wouldnt get angry one day at the baby and shake him or something horrible? I wouldnt trust it. But he also needs to pay you towards the raising him and not just see him when he wants and that's it. He has no legal visitation yet.

Also, Id fight in court for supervised visitation. Due to the abuse he put you through and if you cant gain it in or dont want to fight in court for that, Id hold off visitation until you can find someone you fully trust that you both know that will be the person there. Saftey for the baby first!

But honestly, I would tell him that he cant be a part of the baby's life until he contibutes something consistantly financially towards raising the baby, even if its a lower amount than the court would force upon him (but must be consistant, not here and there) or/and if he doesnt tell him you are taking him to court for child support and until he pays it then he has no rights to see the baby AND tell him that you do not want him around you (which you have all rights to say) and that he cannot see him until you find a trusted 3rd party that you can trust the saftey of your baby with to take the baby to his father and stay there to supervise the visitation until you are comfortable (which can be a long time which is completely ok) that he would not get angry at and abuse your child.

Keep in mind that most that shake a baby arent abusers but someone where anger & frustration "snapped" to that level.

Not sure all is educated about shaken baby syndrome so here is some information about it.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/shaken-baby-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20034461

Under Risk Factors is domestic abuse.

These are just things Id do. He is the father which means he is bound to support his child in everything your child needs & does (later in life like activities he may get involved in) until he is 18 and as a past abuser of yours also is bound to show you that he will not be of any threat to your baby.

 

[Casey_03]

@lostforgottensoul The main reason I haven't sought child support from him is because it would give him more legal rights, and rights to visitation, than I want him to have right now. As things stand, he's not on the birth certificate and currently has no legal rights whatsoever to see the baby --- which is how I want it for now in case he does something horrible that makes me need to cut him off forever. Also, as for concerns he might lash out at the baby, he doesn't have any unsupervised time with the baby, at all, and the visits that I did allow him were super brief and I was there the whole time. But if I push for child support, he would likely get more visitation rights and visits would be unsupervised. I don't think he'd hurt the baby though - he was never physically abusive, it was all emotional abuse and sick, sociopathic games. But still, the way I have it set up currently, he has no visitation rights and really no legal rights whatsoever, but that also means I don't get any financial help ..... I'd rather have the option of cutting him off if I need to than the money though, to be honest. But it does say a lot about him that he hasn't even offered any help. He hasn't really put in much effort for the baby so far.

 

[Casey_03]

I think I spoke too soon in saying the father was being halfway decent. Last night he said he wants a legal arrangement that would give him custody for a few months out of each year. I said I wouldn't agree to that right now and that it was too early to talk about that when I still needed to learn to trust him again in general. Well, he lashed out, said he doesn't think anything he did to me during the pregnancy was wrong (threatening to release a sex tape if i didn't get an abortion, nearly getting me fired and creating a lawsuit for me at my job -- again, with the aim of forcing a miscarriage or abortion, committing credit card fraud and then leaving me to deal with the criminal complaint, while pregnant ... and that's not to mention all the verbal abuse and mindgames). But now he says he doesn't think any of that was wrong, that I deserved it for "going ahead with the pregnancy" even though he made it clear he wanted an abortion. He also resorted to calling me a whore. I calmly told him that he was crossing a line with all these comments that we could not go back from and that would make any civil communications going forward impossible, that perhaps it would be best to deal only with lawyers from now on if he wants to visit his son .... he said I was harming my son by suggesting that and "letting him down" by not giving the father whatever he wants, including unimpeded access. NOW would I be wrong to block this guy? He seems to think it's totally okay to abuse me, knowing that I'm breastfeeding and that the baby gets any stress hormones in the breastmilk. Am I overreacting and being sensitive or does this sound like the behavior of a sociopath?

 

[Casey_03]

Also, when I calmly asked him to stop bullying me and said he was hurting me and that would hurt the baby, his response was, "Well if you're that fragile, you shouldn't have custody of the baby anyway." This is systematic bullying, right? I mean, I gave him a chance and he did seem to care about the baby, but if he constantly bullies me and talks about getting sole custody, i don't see how I can continue to be civil with him at all.

 

[ladee]

Sociopath.... Kudos for you trying to let him be a part of Little Man's life... threatening you is just that... Are you ever going to get to come back to the states? I worry with you having no one to protect you from this...... well, no words to describe him.... what a certifiable asshole.... Glad you trusted your gut on this !!! No way would I trust him with the baby... no way !!

 

[Casey_03]

Thanks @ladee I feel like an idiot for even giving him a chance. He accused me of being "spiteful" and "selfish" for saying I can't deal with him if he treats me that way. So basically, he thinks he has carte blanche to abuse me as much as he wants, and any time I protest it and say we need to be civil if he's going to be seeing the baby, he just says I'm selfish and harming my baby by depriving him of his father.

 

[ladee]

You had to see for yourself. And you were doing it for Little Man. You were hesitant to do this, but you did it for the baby. Now you know. It's a hard place to be in... knowing how he is...and yet hoping he could act like a human being for the baby's sake... So sweetie, do what you need to do to protect both of you... You are not an idiot to want the ass in the baby's life...
I know this hurts.. my son's dad denied his existence.. and it broke my heart for my son. But you are not under any obligation to put up with abuse. Hope you find a solution thru your lawyer. My heart hurts for both you and Little Man.

 

[sedna]

Thanks @ladee I feel like an idiot for even giving him a chance. He accused me of b...

Hi Casey,
I've had a lot of personal experience with dealing with a situation like yours. In hindsight I see where I made some big mistakes, my emotions were totally reasonable at the time, but acting on fairness and common sense isnt always the smartest way to go. I strongly advise you to appear as if you dont mind him seeing the baby anytime he wants and avoiding any kind of suspicion or hostility towards his female relatives as caregivers around the baby. Usually any sign of withholding contact with a child or demanding he takes an interest will set off a gradually increasing power struggle, that eventually snowballs into disaster. The result is often total abandonment of the child and blaming it on you, or a campaign to actually take custody of the child to control your influence on him. If he has strong female family members that last one is more likely. They can seem totally disinterested for months or years and then suddenly decide to create a custody issue out of the blue. Anything you've said or done up to that point can be a problem. Try to have a neutral 3rd party mediate if you can, make sure that everything you say in text or e-mail is written like you know it will be proof of alienating him or looking unstable someday. Give Oscar worthy acting performances and get your real emotions out somewhere else. I had an ex that told me he wished he never had kids and felt nothing for them, he never had anything to do with them as babies. when they were older he accused me of turning them against him and kidnapping them and I ended up in a nightmare international legal disaster that lasted for years. I dont want to be too scary, but its better to plan for the worst and be pleasantly relieved when they turn out to be okay, than to watch a dead beat A-hole suddenly decide to call you crazy and take your son without warning.