Boundries, Am I Thinking Right?

[Stickler]

Make them get their own phones. Those are cheap.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Calling? Cancel the phone service. Respect it or lose it.

Its funny you said that as when I was "going off" (way more controled that usual) I stated "look, i got the phone for you, never stated whom can and cant call but this is a boundry and I dont want to have to change the number, or cancel it".

Ive always been afraid to do that too much because, though I dont think he ever would, currently my car is in his name and legally could report it stolen or at least take it from me. Like I said, I dont think he ever would, he's not a dick, just clueless. He'd give his shirt to a stranger. Probably his pants too and be clueless that everyone was looking at him funny lol.

I had it in his name due to 3 accidents back to back, insurence was insane. They are now off my record but im paying half or less for full coverage in his name then i wiuld for liablity only in mine. I'll pay the extra and will do that quickly if he keeps going down this 'being a dick' road.

He was married to someone that brought a kid into his house that raped you, when you were only 7!

And then later bought into a cult, had an affair with that cult leader and later married him. He obviously knows about the affair, its why he left the the remainder of that he says "the woman i married wouldnt do that". Maybe not but she changed. My therapist is having me tracing her family history (her dad whom died before i was born and her 13 brothers and sisters whom most i dont know) and the more i dig the darker it gets. She never took a 180 turn. Maybe a 90 degree.

I'm sorry about your mom, I saw your post yesterday and couldnt offer any support because it brought up major stuff about my own mom.

Its ok, i understand. My mom has been dying for weeks. I totally get that!

IF they are aware who abused you,

They are.

So boundaries are being crossed IF they are aware of who it is, AND, you are enabling some of this by your own actions.

I get that and agree. Its a home phone tacked onto the cable for 8 bucks. I know them living here is a problem. I came to terms with that months ago. Really saw it just more recently.

I feel trapped. If i kick them out, I drown fincinally. After my accident I have not been able to phsycially work a 2nd job as I used to. I strip down to bare min; rent, eletric, water, cell phone (no tv or just an antenna, no internet) and I still drown. Dumping the cell makes no difference.

The main dilemma, which would be the answer, learning how to allow a stranger, a roommate, into my space.. I cannot seem to. Even just discussing it with my therapist makes me panic insanely. Its why he advised for me to post about it. Get ideas of how to be ok with it. Background checks and applications arent the issue. Not being so terrfied of people would very much help.

Make them get their own phones.

I could and they would but how could i even set a boundry then when they pay for it?

I know im enabling it. It just seems like an impossible situation. Moving is out as well unless i want to live more into the getto and try not to loose my dog as pit restrictions are all over Florida.

I hate my life! I want to be at least half way normal. Post on roommates.com, interview a potential person, make them sign a contract and go on the lease and be done with it. Ugh!

ETA: Sorry about typos, hands are shaking on a dumb phone.

 

[sedna]

I had to really think hard about what I'd do if I had to get a roommate myself, and the roommates I had when I was younger, what went right and what went wrong back then.

They key is to never break the golden rule of making a new roommate a personal friend. Dont start hanging out and chatting about your life and feelings. If the other person does it, deflect it and change the subject in a friendly way, but enough so they get you dont want to be besties.

Its hard to do that in smaller spaces or if you're home at the same time a lot but its really important. It prevents drama and the feeling you've been sucked into someone elses reality, or they've enmeshed themselves into yours. If things dont work out, or if you have a conflict, it keeps it clean and business like. Being able to do that should help with the fear and anxiety. It wont hurt to ask yourself how much worse they could be than your dad and his wife! At least you would be paying their bills. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It wont hurt to ask yourself how much worse they could be than your dad and his wife!

I know my dad & step mom arent gonna kill me in the middle of the night, rape me, invite friends that do. Seriously, the biggest fears i have, male or female.

I dont know, maybe its one of those things where you hold your nose and jump? My ex roommates were family of family. Oh or turn my house into a crack house again. Thats what they did. But as drama filled insanity as that was, i knew they werent going to hurt me or their high friends.

I have saved a few grand with my dad's rent money cause i dont need it all. I could survive a few months plus furnishing the room as thats their furniture. The ex roommates trashed the others. Its a small room but $400 a month is a steal in the Orlando area. Most rooms are $125 to $150 a week.

I went onto roommates.com once as it was therapy homework (sounds pathetic that ive developed this much of a fear of people) and freaked out. Ive been avoiding it since. Its bookmarked and i stare a hole into my phone like telling myself its just a site, no one can hurt me. Does my dumb brain care? Nope.

How do i become ok with it?

Right now is likely not a good timeframe anyway. I need to process my mom a bit and get a bit more stable first. Im due to be titrated up on seriqueol xr. Maybe call tomorrow and make an appointment to do that and see how i do in the next few weeks. Try to avoid my dad & step mom?

I wish i could disapear out of my life!

 

[anthony]

Its a home phone tacked onto the cable for 8 bucks.

I tend to agree with Friday... regardless that its just $8, cancel it and remove the issue from your aspect. Yet you must accept then, that they get their own phone, that anyone can call them. Yet you will remove the issue for your enabling aspect if you cannot accept people will ring it, that you may not like or want to ring it.

Roommate search can be tough, but if that is what you want, then go for it. You can even start the process prior to kicking them out, so you have a pre-approved applicant who you can find mutual boundaries with. Honestly, you could even add to the ad that you have PTSD, as there will be people with PTSD wanting a roommate who understands their own boundary requirements.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can even start the process prior to kicking them out, so you have a pre-approved applicant who you can find mutual boundaries with. Honestly, you could even add to the ad that you have PTSD, as there will be people with PTSD wanting a roommate who understands their own boundary requirements.

Yeah, I wanted to start becoming ok with people and have someone lined up but still give my dad & step mom some time to find a place. Its just the fear and i dont know which way is the best way to approach it. Jump in with both feet or gradiual. That and the PTSD thing was why i started the thread about it.

I never thought of putting that I had PTSD on the application. I figured that would make folks shy away.

Theres college people here but most are in Orlando, UFC but there is a small college in the town im in. I was hoping to maybe get some broke college kids to apply. Dont know why but it seems easier.

Im wanting to get familuar with roommates.com and how it all works and make the applications. I think once i get to the applications i will be pretry well there.

Well i just got a huge boost of a 'want to' and stopped of the self loothing. :bored: Though not sure my emotions can be fully trusted right now, I'll take it. :)

 

[anthony]

I never thought of putting that I had PTSD on the application. I figured that would make folks shy away.

It would turn some away, but then pull others closer who may have their own problems and thus need to live with someone more understanding of mental health.

I was hoping to maybe get some broke college kids to apply.

Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you may need to stress and fight with a tenant to pay their rent?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

then pull others closer who may have their own problems and thus need to live with someone more understanding of mental health.

True.

Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you may need to stress and fight with a tenant to pay their rent?

Well, no, thats not what I meant. There will be a signed contract. I just mean college kids seem less threatening to me for some reason. And i have no idea why as a college kid could still be some psycopath killer or an abuser.

But i guess you're right on that. They are more likely to run off on a contract, have excuses to not pay rent, not be settled down etc.

 

[Stickler]

Hey, for a few thousand dollars you could buy an RV.

RV park rent is usually about half of apartment rent, and you get all sorts of non-nutty, cool weird ducks who live in RV's.

Just-if you get one? Learn how to inspect the things first, b/c it's hard not to get a piece of junk.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Stickler, i dont know about living in an RV with 3 animals but i thought of a trailer. If i save some more i might have enough to buy one straight out and only pay for having ut where it sits which is like a few hundred a month.

I'll have to check into that.

Ive been watching about tiny homes. I wish i had enough for one of them!

 

[Suzetig]

They pay you €400 dollars a month and you've managed to save money while they're there because you don't need all the money. I'd be working out exactly how much I needed to make ends meet and see if there was another way to manage.

The problem with living with other people is living with other people. It's a phone that you say you never answer so it's not like you're going to inadvertently answer the phone to this person and even her calling on your step mums cellphone could mean you overhearing conversations with her. Having boundaries doesn't mean that other people need to pay any attention to them, you have a major issue with this person (for good reason), they don't - you can't force them not to have contact, or even for that contact not to happen by phone in your house. It's their house too albeit they're able to live there because you support them financially. So stop supporting them.

Can you work out how long you can live on the savings you've made before you either need to bring in more money (and how much more you need) or make savings, bring in a roommate etc. and make a plan. You might be able to make up the gap with some working from him stuff, proof reading, mystery shopping type stuff. You could also see if friends know of anyone looking for a room - you might feel less anxious about someone known to you or in your circle of friends than a completely new person?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

They pay you €400 dollars a month and you've managed to save money while they're there because you don't need all the money. I'd be working out exactly how much I needed to make ends meet and see if there was another way to manage.

$400 (I think that's different than €400??) Anyway, I have. Rent is going up $50 again. Im past the point of a 60 day notice but I can't find anything cheaper without going into the getto further away from work anyway. But that option is gone now anyway.

My income is a bit different. I get an hourly wage with taxes, insurence, 401K (that would stop) coming out. But I also get a monthly bonus based now on one statistic. It changes on what its based on and its never close to the same and not really enough to count in a budget but its that reason that ive been able to save more than I thought I would.

The last time I budgeted my income with no tv & no internet I came up with about $250 short. Rent is going up so its about $300 short. I have about 2 grand in savings so I could live a bit on that. But eventually would be gone so i need to have plans in place before i ask them to move. To me thats the same as having a job before quiting the other. Its just how I do things. A ton of plans to cover every possiblity.

What I have done in the past is work overtime when it's offered and as much as its offered and save that money for when its not offered. Issue with that is my dog. In the past I lived directly behind the call center. Its why i moved here. Could walk door to door in 5 mins so i came home for lunch and took him out. They sold that building and moved us 8.5 miles away to the regional headquarters. Because of traffic, as soon as i got home id have to turn right back around and go back.

I work nights (2pm - 11pm) so id have to find a dog sitter/walker that id trust with my keys or could bring him there and pay them. I can leave him in the crate 10 hrs but i cant do longer than that.

But then id have to make sure what i got for overtime didnt just go to a dog sitter. There are no doggie daycares opened at night. I looked.

So that's alone.

You could also see if friends know of anyone looking for a room - you might feel less anxious about someone known to you or in your circle of friends than a completely new person?

Wish I had friends to ask as you are totally correct on that assesment. I want to send out a local email at work but not sure they'd allow that. Just feel Id feel more comfortable if they were a co-worker. Dont know why as I still dont know them.

I was thinking that if i go another few months, at least it would give me more time to get used to being around people, figure out the appilications, save more so i could live on it longer if needed.

I fear with how unstable i feel right now what would happen if they left right now. Not just money, physical presence by 2 people that know about the huffing and cutting and where im at emotionally right now. Im scared to jump in right now. Just to give me a change to stablize myself.

I wish it were not so complicated. I see the issue, and im not necessarly refusing to change it. Im just lacking any good alternative plans at the moment. I dont want to jump too fast and then be f*cked.

Believe me, though, I know they need to go!