I thought things would get slightly easier as my baby got older but they seem to only be getting worse, and it feels like a cruel joke of some kind.
More than two months of sleep deprivation has caught up with me and my body seems to be shutting down. I threw out my back, I can barely walk and it's excruciatingly painful to pick up my baby -- but there is no one else here to do it, so I have to. I am shaking all the time, get migraines and have what feels like heart palpitations. Shortness of breath, etc. All of which the doctor has said is from severe sleep deprivation and not being able to recover after giving birth.
The doctors keep saying I need to get more rest, but I don't see how? I have to work now full time, from home, which means I am working during the hours when I might be able to take a nap. The baby doesn't sleep much through the night because he refuses to follow a feeding schedule, so wakes up about every hour to demand food. I cannot sleep in such small intervals in between because if I know I have to wake up soon, I can't fall asleep to begin with. It's always been that way for me; I spent years seeing doctors about it even before I had a baby. I spoke to the doctor here and he gave me melatonin, which is the only thing I can take while breastfeeding. But it's absolutely pointless because it only kicks in 30 minutes after I take it, and even then it barely has any effect whatsoever. The result is I get two hours of sleep a day, maximum. That may not be so bad if it were only a once-in-a-while thing, but it's every day, for more than two months.
There is an hour window in the afternoon when the baby will sometimes sleep, if I'm lucky, and it's during that time that I could potentially nap. But the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Because the city just moved all public events to the square right across from my building, meaning insanely loud music almost every afternoon. Today I tried to nap, was just about to fall asleep and BAM, a marching band starts playing. If it's not a concert or parade, it's a protest of some kind with a lunatic screaming into a loudspeaker. There is never a quiet afternoon. It has gotten so bad that almost every day I end up sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating and rocking back and forth, saying "please let me sleep, please let me sleep" to no one in particular. I've started having irrational thoughts, like "maybe i should just hit myself over the head with a blunt object so i can have some unconsciousness and peace" or "maybe if I jump out the window I can sleep" (It's not suicidal ideation because I don't really want to die, I just get so desperate for sleep that really irrational things start to seem not so irrational).
Obviously, there are two things I can do to somewhat improve the situation -- move and hire a nanny. But neither of those things can happen right now. I started looking for a new place but will have to pay the first and last month, a security deposit, and a fee to the realtor ..... which I can't afford. I cannot move back to the States right now to be closer to relatives either, because I don't have enough money. And a nanny, which seems like the obvious solution here, isn't very practical when the apartment is so small the nanny would literally have to sit right next to me with the baby while I try to sleep. Even if a nanny were to take him for a walk, I'd be forced to listen to whatever concert is happening in my backyard (and trust me, ear plugs don't help with this kind of noise).
I am beginning to wonder if my baby is really better off with me, when I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown round the clock and there is no one else helping. I am not sure that it is possible for one person to raise a baby completely alone. The terrible father might actually be right that I am failing. I feel guilty for bringing this baby into this world in these conditions. No one seems to care about him but me, and no one cares about me at all.
More than two months of sleep deprivation has caught up with me and my body seems to be shutting down. I threw out my back, I can barely walk and it's excruciatingly painful to pick up my baby -- but there is no one else here to do it, so I have to. I am shaking all the time, get migraines and have what feels like heart palpitations. Shortness of breath, etc. All of which the doctor has said is from severe sleep deprivation and not being able to recover after giving birth.
The doctors keep saying I need to get more rest, but I don't see how? I have to work now full time, from home, which means I am working during the hours when I might be able to take a nap. The baby doesn't sleep much through the night because he refuses to follow a feeding schedule, so wakes up about every hour to demand food. I cannot sleep in such small intervals in between because if I know I have to wake up soon, I can't fall asleep to begin with. It's always been that way for me; I spent years seeing doctors about it even before I had a baby. I spoke to the doctor here and he gave me melatonin, which is the only thing I can take while breastfeeding. But it's absolutely pointless because it only kicks in 30 minutes after I take it, and even then it barely has any effect whatsoever. The result is I get two hours of sleep a day, maximum. That may not be so bad if it were only a once-in-a-while thing, but it's every day, for more than two months.
There is an hour window in the afternoon when the baby will sometimes sleep, if I'm lucky, and it's during that time that I could potentially nap. But the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Because the city just moved all public events to the square right across from my building, meaning insanely loud music almost every afternoon. Today I tried to nap, was just about to fall asleep and BAM, a marching band starts playing. If it's not a concert or parade, it's a protest of some kind with a lunatic screaming into a loudspeaker. There is never a quiet afternoon. It has gotten so bad that almost every day I end up sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating and rocking back and forth, saying "please let me sleep, please let me sleep" to no one in particular. I've started having irrational thoughts, like "maybe i should just hit myself over the head with a blunt object so i can have some unconsciousness and peace" or "maybe if I jump out the window I can sleep" (It's not suicidal ideation because I don't really want to die, I just get so desperate for sleep that really irrational things start to seem not so irrational).
Obviously, there are two things I can do to somewhat improve the situation -- move and hire a nanny. But neither of those things can happen right now. I started looking for a new place but will have to pay the first and last month, a security deposit, and a fee to the realtor ..... which I can't afford. I cannot move back to the States right now to be closer to relatives either, because I don't have enough money. And a nanny, which seems like the obvious solution here, isn't very practical when the apartment is so small the nanny would literally have to sit right next to me with the baby while I try to sleep. Even if a nanny were to take him for a walk, I'd be forced to listen to whatever concert is happening in my backyard (and trust me, ear plugs don't help with this kind of noise).
I am beginning to wonder if my baby is really better off with me, when I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown round the clock and there is no one else helping. I am not sure that it is possible for one person to raise a baby completely alone. The terrible father might actually be right that I am failing. I feel guilty for bringing this baby into this world in these conditions. No one seems to care about him but me, and no one cares about me at all.
