Neighbors!

[Beemo3780]

Hi, I'm new here. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD about 6 years ago after I witnessed my mother's death, and I also had just left a physically abusive and violent marriage after 12 years. I had a really difficult time coping with both, but after a few years of therapy, a new happy & healthy marriage, and making some changes in my life, I'm doing so much better. Mostly, I have panic attacks and throw up during high stress. I'm also sensitive to loud sounds and light.

Anyway, my husband and I have been living in an apartment for 2 and half years and are in the process of buying a new home with a hopeful move in date for October. Our apt is a nice little community and we have a good relationship with all of our neighbors in our immediate building and are friendly with the office management. Never once had any issues before. Our previous downstairs neighbors recently moved out to move closer to family in another state, and they had been here before we moved in. They were always friendly, and we would see them out in the neighborhood and stop for friendly chit-chat. We were sad to see them go.

2 weeks ago, an older lady moved into their apartment, and it has been a nightmare since. She's not friendly or approachable, and the apartment management said that she's recently divorced and never has lived in an apartment before. She is on the 2nd floor, we are on the 3rd, and there is one apt below her. We live in a building that is all dogs, she is the only one without a dog. Our border collie/Australian shepard mix is also a registered therapy dog and is very well trained, and only will bark if she senses danger which is rare.

So, starting last week, the downstairs neighbor has started pounding on her ceiling at all hours of the day and night anytime we even so much as walk around. I wear headphones most of the day and work from home as an IT analyst, so I'm not doing anything but sitting behind my computer, and the lady downstairs pounds anytime I walk away from my desk. In addition, she has filed several noise complaints against us. It's normally pretty quiet in our apartment and we are usually gone on the weekends. We came home this past Saturday, and a dog in a different apartment was barking, and she started pounding and screaming at us through the floor. She hasn't once tried to talk to us, and will slam her apt door if she sees us coming down the stairs. I'm not sure how to make her happy, because even now as I type this, in a silent apt with my dog sleeping next to me, she was pounding when I got up to get another cup of coffee. The apartment management isn't doing anything since we are about to move out, but it's getting ridiculous.

So now my PTSD symptoms are starting to act up, and I ended up going to sleep crying last night. I don't like confrontation, but I was considering leaving a note on her door letting her know that I have PTSD and if she could please stop pounding. I'm having issues with panic and fear that we will get kicked out before we can move into our house, and I'm probably driving my husband nuts, luckily he's understanding and really patient with me. I don't want to have to call the police, but I don't know what to do and I'm so tense I feel nauseous all the time.

Anyone have any advice? I have never been in this situation before.

 

[Silver.]

So sorry you are having to go through this. I have been through it in the past and when your neighbors are not open to discussion, and management not willing to step in, it makes it feel like a hopeless situation.
Seeing she refuses to talk to you, try leaving the note, so she understands your situation. Of course, try to be as kind as possible in the note. Once you are sure she has read it, (a few days perhaps?), and if she is still at it with the banging on the ceiling and what not, then might be the time to call the police. It's August now, and with evictions the way they are, the worst case scenario? Management gets upset you filed a complaint, start the eviction, you get 30 days, and can go to court to require more time. Enough time to get into your new house.
Ear plugs with music going, or just music going to help drown her out is a thought as well. (repetitive noise and actions is a big set off for my ptsd so I sympathize with you deeply)
I hope you can get this sorted x

 

[EveHarrington]

Don't tell her you have PTSD. You don't know this woman. She could make your life a living hell by ramping up the noise harassment.

I would go speak to her though. It sounds like she doesn't realize that you're simply walking on the floor.

 

[Crow]

Maybe make her some cookies or buy a small potted plant and stop by. My former neighbor wouldn't answer her door so I eventually left the plant and a small card welcoming her to the community and inviting her down to my apartment. She never really spoke but the ridiculousness eased up after I made a few attempts at being neighborly. If you know the residents under her on the first floor, might want to quietly suggest that they mention how they can hear her walking around. Might make a difference of her thinking you guys are infringing on her solitude if she understands that it's just part of apartment living.

Good luck. I know this kind of situation can make things miserable. Hopefully that new home is right around the corner!

 

[Beemo3780]

The plant might be a good idea. I have a bit of a green thumb, and have a little garden of potted plants on our back porch, so I could give her one. The thing is I'm not sure how she would react to that. I've had three interactions with her, all pretty negative. 1st time, she was just moving in and I had to pass her on the stairwell while I was on my way to a doctor's appt. I said hello, she gave me a dirty look and went into her apt. Second time, she was having a washer/dryer moved in, and I was coming down the stairs with my dog, and she said to the movers after making a heavy sigh, "You're going to have to move". I didn't see the movers when I started heading down the stairs, but immediately backed up and took a different route so I wouldn't be in their way. (I'm also a people pleaser, and try to accommodate other people a lot.) Last time, I was again taking the dog for our afternoon walk and the lady heard me coming and slammed her door and waited until I was around the corner to come out to go to her car.

Also, she moved in and not even 4 days later was pounding on her ceiling and reporting us to management. There was an immediate escalation of the situation from the beginning. I've never had a complaint filed against me anywhere that I've lived.

I think most of her complaints are that of just us walking around in the apartment, and we obviously can't levitate. But she also did complain that she could hear our dog eating out of her food dish which we have a raised food/water dish holder. I don't even know what can be done about that.

Both my husband and I are young professionals in our mid 30s. We aren't having people in and out, or being loud or obnoxious. We usually have our tv pretty low with the captions on when we watch that. And because of my PTSD, I generally like quiet things and am happy listening to music with headphones, or crocheting.

I don't want her feeling like we are attacking her, so maybe if I can catch her outside while I'm walking the dog, I can try to talk to her. But I think maybe the note idea would work best, I'll probably just leave out the PTSD part.

 

[Friday]

Every time she pounds? Jump. Really. Up and down. A few good solid bangs. :D <<< with smile.

Consider it your good deed for whomever moves in after you. Because lady -and I use that term loosely- needs a wake up call. There is a difference between the normal sound of walking, and jumping/bouncing/stomping/etc.

She is attacking you. Each and every single time she starts banging on the ceiling. Encouraging that kind of behavior? SMH. Not a good idea, in my experience. It sounds like you're very quiet neighbors. A little bit of her own medicine, aka what real noise IS, sounds long overdue.

So if she bangs? Bang back.

It's the only effective way of dealing with bullies in the short term I know of.

 

[Beemo3780]

I think I would feel really bad about pounding back, plus I worry that would escalate things.

I did go down and talk to management for a solid 15 minutes yesterday. They had said that they had been shocked that she had such a problem with us, because they see me quite regularly because we have to pick our packages up at the office, and I'm usually there twice a week. They also know I have a therapy dog, but don't know I have PTSD. They said it's probably because she's never lived in an apartment before, but they were going to transfer her to a new apt. Management said they had to remind her that quiet hours are not until 11pm, and unless we were being obnoxiously loud to where it is a problem, they aren't going to do anything. Unfortunately for me, that won't be until a 3rd floor apt opens up November 1st. I'll hopefully be gone by then.

She's stopped the pounding, but I don't know for how long. The thing is, we live in an apartment that has thin walls and very little sound proofing between the floors. We have carpeting with padding throughout but there are places where the floor creaks. Most normal reasonable people know that they are going to hear their neighbors at some point. She wants total silence at all hours. wake up for work at 6am, and my morning routine is still pretty quiet as I work from home. I make coffee in a my Keurig which makes steam noises, and she had complained about that. I'm scared to use my smoothie mixer because that is definitely is going to be beyond her threshold for noise. And I know I work from home and all, but I still leave the house during the day. Her car has not moved since she moved in. Otherwise, I could at least wait to do the noisier things like vacuuming when she's gone.

Our last neighbors used to babysit their nieces and nephews quite often so I would hear them running around, and the guy in the apt next to us watches tv pretty loud and sometimes slams his front door. All normal apt living IMO. I bought a white noise maker years ago that works wonders, I'm wondering if I should get her one and leave it on her doorstep.

I did see the lady that lives below her too, she said she can hear the pounding directed at us, and even had to deal with floor stomping herself when her little dog was barking. This new lady is not making any friends the way she's acting.

I'm also trying to make sure I manage my stress levels as I just feel really tense and mentally exhausted. I'm trying to avoid a panic attack as much as I can, but already having the nausea from stress. I took an extra walk yesterday, and I'm so glad Pokemon Go is out now, it is helping distract me right at the time I need it most.

I don't really understand people like this lady. She seems miserable, but that's no excuse to make everyone around her miserable too.

 

[Silver.]

You should be proud of yourself for talking to the management, it must be good to know that they are aware of her behaviour from other neighbors as well. While it's not ideal, at least you know at some point she will be moved. Let's hope she gets some awareness to regular apartment sounds and keeps up with the not pounding on the ceiling x

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Beemo3780 I would just be yourself, and do what you would normally do without trying to cause her any crap, and putting undo stress on yourself. Walk, don't tiptoe. Use your smoothie maker if you want/need to. Run the vacuum if there are dust bunnies running around. Just LIVE in your home. These are "NORMAL" everyday sounds and something she needs to learn to deal with.

Apartment living isn't for everyone and sometimes neighbors can be jerks. On the lighter side of things..... I hope you and hubby can keep down the noise when lovemaking. THAT! Would probably send her to the nearest hospital with a heart attack. Hahahahaaha. Oh, sometimes I have evil thoughts.......

 

[Neverthesame]

Most normal reasonable people

This right here is the issue.

This person is not being reasonable. I live under people, they make noise. Normal people noise, walking, vacuuming, computer chair on castor wheels rolling around every once in a while and the lady of the house has a treadmill she walks on a few times a day.

Personally, I find the treadmill calming for some reason.

The only thing I generally have an issue with is, the man of the house gets a bit exuberant cheering for whichever team is winning the football or hockey. Even that's not worth complaining about.

Your downstairs person on the other hand. Holy crap, that's just ridiculous. I get you aren't about conflict, but this is someone whom you cannot please, nor does she deserve to be made happy.

Friday has it dead correct. Give it back to her. She pounds the ceiling, you pound the floor. She phones in noise complaints, call in your own about her damn banging.

If you don't want to do anything about it in the sense of conflict, then do exactly that, nothing. Just live your life. To hell with her banging. Either she'll take the hint and shut up, or you'll be moved into your new home, and it won't be your problem anymore.

 

[Lilith Jane]

I'll play devil's advocate and present a different viewpoint. :-)

It sounds like from your personality, you're not interested in taking any aggressive action toward her, a position you are more than welcome to. It also sounds like you've been taking some very healthy steps as far as talking with management about the problem.

This lady is clearly not healthy herself. She is outraged by your normal behavior, in a house she has chosen to live in, and is expressing it in a destructive way. She obviously has her own issues - and, unlike you, doesn't seem to be progressing through them. That doesn't excuse her bad behavior, but might be important for you to keep in mind. I support you in not adding to the mess by responding at her level. I think that you have it in you to respond in a healthy and controlled way.

If she herself is violating quiet hours, then of course that is something you can insist on management handling for you. If she is just being obnoxious but not violating any rule, then it seems like just her personal problem which you and your husband are unfortunately now involved in. Ultimately she is unhappy with the lack of soundproofing in the apartment, not with you, so it's too bad that she is taking it out on you.

She will eventually need to face the reality of the situation (that sound travels regardless of who causes it). So ultimately I think the issue is between her and management . . . but I'm wondering if a calm, controlled (on your/your husband's part) conversation with her would accomplish anything at all. Maybe it wouldn't - but maybe it would? If you can show her that you're not *intentionally* bothering her (and in fact have really tried to be considerate to her wishes), but you are simply living normally in a noisy house . . .

 

[Beemo3780]

My husband said he's just going to go about his normal daily routines, and she's just going to have to adjust. Being how I am, I worry about everything, I've been tip toeing around the house and trying to do everything as quietly as I can. Probably not the best idea. I've also been through a divorce, so I can get why she's a little unhinged.

We live in a multiple building apartment complex that is surrounded by 3 man-made lakes, trees, and lots of wildlife. Our building and the 2 next to ours is reserved for pet people. The lady in the building across from ours keeps her dogs outside and they bark a lot. I don't mind it, but part of the problem is that the lady downstairs thinks it's our dog. Management never should have moved her into a building surrounded by dogs. They also do a bait and switch when they show the apartments. They show a furnished apartment that isn't near anyone, but then move people in to a completely different apartment without them seeing it first claiming it's the same as the show apartment. They did it with us. She never knew anyone would be above her, and didn't know that the walls were so thin. And didn't know about the dogs all over. Our dog is medium sized, and you can tell the difference between her very to the point one woof comparable to the small yappy dogs that go on for a bit.

My old neighbors had a cat that would meow all day while they were gone. They also liked to sing to Metallica from time to time. It never bothered me, I'm more reassured when I know people are around then complete silence. New downstairs neighbor wants complete silence 24-7. We were eating dinner at 6pm the other night and were disrupted to constant tapping on her wall and then her yelling "Be quiet!". I mean, it was dinner. I think my fork fell on my plate once. But no music, no tv was on. Just us sitting at the table eating.

I'm pretty much going to avoid her for now and ignore it. Management already knows and I will deal with them. I've lived in several different apartments in my lifetime and was on the 1st floor a few times, I know about hearing footsteps and thuds, or sometimes loud voices. I don't really think she understood what moving into an apartment was going to be like. And I do feel sorry for her. She moved in alone, with professional movers only, no one else. She doesn't leave her apartment at all. Doesn't talk to the neighbors when I've seen her get her mail and they say hello. No one visits.

But all that being said, it's not fair to take that out on us, and this is supposed to be my safe space when if needed I can hide under my blankets when I feel anxiety until I chill out. Now it feels like a war zone and I have knots in both my stomach and shoulders. But it might be interesting when my mother in law visits, she's retired military and doesn't take crap from anyone.....