Thanks for giving more of the complete picture,
@Statsattack - it really is helpful.
The thing that is weird looking back on it is we were always open, honest and real with one another. She is probably the first and only person I could tell anything to without feeling shamed or embarrassed. We really did trust each other and had this quote about being on the same team. We weren’t dating but it felt like we were. Could be chemistry or could be boundary issues my guess is a huge mix of both.
I'm going to challenge how open, honest, and real you were with each other - just because of the 'we weren't dating, but felt like we were' comment. It reminds me of a relationship I had for awhile that really was initiated as a combination of, we were strong work-buddies and got along, and then he was having problems in his marriage. Our friendship got very open very fast, and had that 'no secrets' feeling to it, which isn't actually true...the one thing we weren't talking about was exactly what the two of us were doing spending almost all our time together, but not 'dating'. You and she never talked about that part. So it might help you to keep developing a more balanced assessment of the friendship - it doesn't mean that she wasn't a really special person in my life, but there was a big topic you were both avoiding.
To fill everyone in I have dealt with a lot of abuse from my mom along with forms of being abandoned by friends and parents. Because of those things I was scared out of my mind to have my friend leave.
And, this makes a lot of sense as to why you were avoiding challenging any aspect of the friendship. When a big chunk of things are going right, even amazingly, it's hard to talk about the smaller chunk that is being avoided - especially when that smaller chunk could turn into conflict, and could dissolve the relationship. It feels safer to stay quiet.
That following Monday she seemed more distant. Needed her help with something (part of the story I don’t feel like getting into details) and she wasn’t able to and got upset at her. Next week she said she needed space and was confused. I said an insensitive things such as let me know when you are ready because I am.
OK, so you got upset twice in a row. You were counting on her to help you, and she couldn't - and you got mad. Then, she opened up the bigger question about what was really going on between the two of you, and you answered it with 'well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm in a relationship with you. So let me know when you are ready to get on board'.
We saw each other at a bar and made up with this giant hug. Talked to her that week and I probably rushed it, but didn’t feel right. That Saturday she said to someone I can’t handle being friends with him because he changes his mind to much and something else. So this girl told her to take me off of social media. When I found out I was furious because during space all I had was social media to remind me of her. We got into a fight and last thing I sent her was happy you are gone life will be so much easier without you. That wasn’t directed at her but drama from my boss and others getting involved who shouldn’t of.
I don't think the making up at the bar was actually making up. It might have felt like it to you, but it wasn't to her - or else, things would have started mending. Instead, she told a friend that you were too much for her to handle right now. She shut the door on your access via social media, you became furious, and gave her a big 'f*ck you'.
Without even taking into account that she's got rape and PTSD in her history - this is a pretty classic story of a too-intimate friendship with undiscussed boundaries taking a bad turn and not recovering. 'Give me space' means, actually 'give me space' - not, 'but keep checking up on me'. When you lost the social media contact, you were really angry. Your anger indicates that you believe you had a right to that contact, somehow - that something you deserved access to was taken from you.
And you likely believe that you deserved that access because, in the past, things had seemed great between the two of you. But you need to remember - things weren't as they seemed. You were both avoiding the main topic. Handy hint: when something seems perfect (as far as relationships go) - it most likely isn't. When we get to that first bump in the road, that's when the relationship really reveals itself. You needed her help with something, she let you down, and you felt bad and made sure she knew it. Honesty,
@Statsattack - that's enough to break any relationship in it's early phases.
The stuff about your boss doesn't make any sense, but it's also irrelevant. The only thing it speaks to is how intensely you were feeling badly, and how desperate you were to try and get back to the time when you and she were OK.
But time doesn't actually go backwards - and I know you know that, but one major thing you've been hung up on is not understanding how it could go from wonderful to broken. And from what you've written here, two things are pretty clear - one, it wasn't totally wonderful, because there was avoidance going on - and two, it broke down in fairly obvious steps. She's not here, so it's hard to evaluate her part in it; she was also avoiding the realness during the 'wonderful' time, she let you down (maybe), she maybe has a habit of getting drunk and wanting to be rescued (that's a big guess on my part), and she's avoidant of confrontation (pretty normal for much of the population).
On your side: you have some work to do before you are ready to have healthy relationships, and you seem to know that; you have some anger management that goes along with that work, and as long as you are motivated, you'll be able to conquer all that. And whatever it was with this woman - it's really, really over, and my honest advice is - shut the door and move on. Build a new social circle. Change gyms, or make sure you don't see her. Not because she wants you to not be there, but because you can't handle seeing her yet, it's still too raw for you.
Real space. Real distance. And there isn't any reason to be thinking about her motivations anymore. You're only hurting yourself by continuing to think about her.
Can you plunge yourself into a brand-new hobby? Get on meetup, try something totally new with a whole new group of people? Think about whether you'd like to get a pet? Take a vacation? I'm serious. All these things could help, a lot.
