Finding Balance

[EveHarrington]

How do you find balance in your life in pushing yourself forward enough----not too little, but not too much? And accept that's the best place for you?

I realize that this is a struggle that applies to many, not just those with PTSD, but I feel that it may be more difficult as we have a different "set point" so to speak since we have an overall lower tolerance level for stress.

I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I know the steps I must take to get there. I get all hung up because I think that I must take the same path that others take, or I must do it on a specific timeline.

But-----I also know that if I push myself too much, my stress cup will overflow and worse case scenario I crash and burn and it could take many months just to get back to the same place.

Mentally I know that I must take things at my own speed, but this doesn't stop me from beating myself up for doing things a bit differently. I still think that I cannot use PTSD as an excuse and if I can't do things at the pace I used to, then I'm somehow a failure. Well, in reality I know it's not about using PTSD as an excuse, but I can't stop thinking this way.

How do I accept that it's ok to move at my own speed? How do I stop beating myself up because I am taking a different path, a little bit more slowly? I'm really struggling with accepting things as they are, finding my own balance in life. I feel like such a failure.

 

[Intrepid]

There's this book by Chris Crutcher "The Crazy Horse Electric Game", where the main character, a teenage baseball player, was partially paralyzed in a boating accident. His life was all about sports, and when he realized everything had changed he went into a tailspin and ended up in a youth shelter in San Francisco. There he tried to play basketball and was terribly frustrated because half his body couldn't keep up. His coach told him he needed to slow down the side of him that was not paralyzed in order to match that side that was. When the teenager did this he could be an okay basketball player. He wasn't great, but at least he could play.

I remember this when I'm struggling with flashbacks and triggers. I slow down to let the injured part of me catch up. I can't be great, but I can still play.

 

[scout86]

To begin with, everyone really IS different. That's not just a saying. For example, you said that "we", meaning people with PTSD, have a lie tolerance to stress. I think I have a high tolerance to stress. I'm not quite sure how to deal with low stress situations. I think that's probably due to a combination of who I am and how I got to where I am. Not a right or wrong deal, just something like eye color that just IS.

I think you stop beating yourself up by noticing when you have a club in your hand and setting it down. I'm serious. Not saying it's a quick or easy process, but I don't know how else you do it

I've heard it said that God sure must like diversity, he created a lot of it. That thought had helped me a lot the last few years. If we were all exactly the same, most of us would be unnecessary.

 

[EveHarrington]

There's this book by Chris Crutcher "The Crazy Horse Electric Game", where the main character, a teena...

Wow, that's an incredible way of putting it! This really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

To begin with, everyone really IS different. That's not just a saying. For example, you said that "we",...

I feel a bit invalidated by this as to me it's reinforcing the idea that I am using PTSD as an excuse----I mean if we're all different but I'm the one struggling, I suppose I'm deficient?

 

[EveHarrington]

I am sorry, I should have started this thread by saying I am in a bad place and I'm looking for support. It took me almost a month to post this thread. I greatly feared getting the "nobody is normal" type of response because it says to me that everyone is different and they can deal so I'm pathetic for struggling. Maybe I am pathetic for struggling?

 

[joeylittle]

How do I accept that it's ok to move at my own speed? How do I stop beating myself up because I am taking a different path, a little bit more slowly? I'm really struggling with accepting things as they are, finding my own balance in life. I feel like such a failure.

I don't have anything smart to offer - but I want to let you know that I've been thinking these thoughts, lately, too. I know there's a middle ground where I can accept where I'm at, but see that things can change, and not get mired down in the nosedive it feels like my life has taken because of my mental health...but it always feels like such a slippery balancing act, and I never know how to just hang out in that headspace.

I guess, the best I can offer is, do you get moments of understanding that it's OK to be where you are, working towards better, and you're not a failure? For me, they last maybe, oh..up to about five minutes, I suppose. Then it slips away again. I don't get it often, maybe once a week. (I'm only offering that as a point of comparison, just to say that I know it can be rare). When I get those, I just try and 'clock' it. Remembering I've been able to feel that way, albeit briefly, helps some.

I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve and I know the steps I must take to get there. I get all hung up because I think that I must take the same path that others take, or I must do it on a specific timeline.

I really identify with this. It's been a struggle for me for a good number of months. I'm sorry you're feeling it too, it's just so exhausting to counter-act the 'should' thoughts.

Thinking of you.

 

[Elevatorguy]

Nothing wrong with moving slow, one day at a time. As long as you are going forward , it's still going forward at any speed

 

[kona355]

@Dead Link Removed - I get what you're saying. I think Scout was referring to how each person reacts being different.

It took a lot of courage to post this thread in the first place, but I'm glad you did. It clarified for me something that's burdened me for a while, and that is the fact I used to cope with stress pretty well, but now just having a few chores pile up puts me in shutdown. Even like cutting the grass. But that's one effect of trauma.

How do I accept that it's ok to move at my own speed?

Slow is sweet. Knowing the ''crash & burn" awaits if going too far, too fast, can offset the feelings of failure. Is it failure to acknowledge we can't go like others? No. It's like the kid in that book referenced above, Crazy Horse Electric..., when he acknowledged his new normal and set his pace accordingly, his life adapted to that. No failure there.

Maybe I am pathetic for struggling?

You are courageous for struggling! The fact you're bothered by the possibility of failing speaks volumes to your integrity and strength. Only a conscientious person would even be concerned she is using any kind of crutch.

Maybe give yourself permission to go at your own pace. It would be a sign of having control, and again, slow is sweet.

 

[Justmehere]

I am sorry, I should have started this thread by saying I am in a bad place and I'm looking for support. It took me almost a month to post this thread. I greatly feared getting the "nobody is normal" type of response because it says to me that everyone is different and they can deal so I'm pathetic for struggling. Maybe I am pathetic for struggling?

I'm glad you explained this becasuse it helps to know what you are looking for and where you are at.

You are absolutely not pathetic for struggling. Absolutely not.

How do I accept that it's ok to move at my own speed? How do I stop beating myself up because I am taking a different path, a little bit more slowly? I'm really struggling with accepting things as they are, finding my own balance in life. I feel like such a failure.

I struggle with this every. single. day. My battle is different, but I can relate with some of what you are writing. For a really long time, I had therapists tell me over and over I needed to work on 'radical acceptance" around my battle and the pace I needed to take. I wanted to throw couch cushions at them. Acceptance and everyone is like this are not the things I wanted to hear when I was hurting so badly. I still hate the word acceptance. I have a different understanding of what my therapists were trying to get at... but I still hate it. It can feel super invalidating. To me, it felt like well meaning people were walking up, seeing that my leg was metaphorically cut off, and saying "hey, I know this is hard but just accept that your leg is cut off and you will be fine." I know that they meant well, and there is some truth in that, but facing a sense of failure is a very painful thing and hearing "accept it" made me want to scream MY LEG IS BLEEDING AND IT IS FREAKING NOT OK. I knew they were not meaning to be invalidating, but it still felt that way to me. Even when people were saying true and accurate things, things that even helped me down the road to hear, there was a long phase (kinda still in it) where the last thing I could do was accept it.

How do you find balance in your life in pushing yourself forward enough----not too little, but not too much? And accept that's the best place for you?

For me, getting to a place that "accepting" that it's the "best" place for me at the moment - well, my process has involved a lot of grief.

I have had to spend some time really deeply grieving that I'm not where I want to be, that my pace is slower because of my struggle with PTSD, and it STINKS. It is a huge painful loss. I had to and (still have to) work through waves of anger and a type of bargaining and sadness, and even long moments (months) of denial, but it has helped me get to a place of acceptance more than anything else.

When I learned to open up and ride the waves of grief about this, it became a little easier somehow. I can't explain it exactly.

It's also helped me to redefine what acceptance looks like. I used to think acceptance was a passive agreement kind of place, where everything is ok, and it was a kind of giving up of the battle and just enduring. That's how I used to see it.

That's not actually acceptance. The book "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn changed my perspective on all of this. I can't explain it every well....

Acceptance isn't saying this is the best place for me, it's saying "this is where I'm at." or "this is where I'm at right now." It just is. It doesn't mean I don't fight for something better --- sometimes acceptance means I fight all the more.

It does mean the judgement, including the harsh self judgement like "pathetic" and "failure", begins to fall off and not impact a person as much. I am convinced I am a failure, and in some ways, I have failed at many things I have tried. So are a lot of people who did amazing things in life. Failure isn't the end. But it hella hurts. And it's not who I am as a person.

It's also not who you are... but someone has probably given you, as they do with most PTSD sufferers, the very clear and strong message that you as a person are a failure. I chronically have to fight against feeling like I am not good enough and that I am somehow too much.

I'm guessing that someone who abused you wanted you to believe, or otherwise gave you the very strong message, that you are somehow not good enough, just as you are.

So I'm gonna tell you what a trauma therapist told a trauma group once, and later again with me one on one...

How about starting at the place of not agreeing with abusers? Because they were f*cking wrong. When you deem yourself to be pathetic and a failure, you are thinking trauma bonded thoughts that belong to your abuser, and they were wrong. WRONG.

Identifying that I am a person who values not agreeing with abusive a**holes - this actually helped me begin to get a little unstuck when I have been drowning in a sense of failure.


If none of this is helpful, please disregard it all. I hope that the support you want, need, and deserve to have comes your way today, and that riding through the waves of pain gets a little easier soon. You are someone of great value who gives a lot to everyone here. :hug:

 

[scout86]

@EveHarrington, we can be different and have different perceptions and experiences without one of us being wrong, or "invalid". At least I think so and that was the point I was trying (and failing) to make. I don't think there's any such thing as "the one right way" to do anything. It's not always easy to accept your uniqueness, especially when you aren't satisfied with yourself the way you are, but it seems to help me to work on accepting that idea. You might not find it helpful, but that sure doesn't mean your experience is "invalid".

 

[Snowflake]

@EveHarrington -I struggle with this too -thinking of you.