Supporter Hello Everyone - Struggling Wife

[Tired Newlywed Wife]

To start out, I myself do not have PTSD, I am actually a rather stable person (most days) however my hus...

Hi! I am brand new to this site and a newlywed wife to a vet that has PTSD. I totally get it. I am really tired already. We've been together for years and he was recently diagnosed but refuses to get help, won't want to work (unless it is in the field he wants for the pay he wants) I am taking care of his kids in college, my sick elderly mom and my dad in hospice, I get no support and I have to go to work like everything is OK. I completely understand what you're going through. Everything is your fault, you can do no right, and yet everything escalates and becomes your problem. There is something called secondary PTSD and people don't realize that family members and spouses of vets can be affected by this, but where do we get help from??

 

[Kyraen]

I appreciate the time you all have taken to respond to my post. And it's nice to know that other people understand what is happening to me. You have all given me a lot to think about and mull over. I know that I'm not a perfect person and at times I can be down right nasty but it feels nice to hear people say it's not all my fault. It's funny that I know all this. I know the signs and I ignore them. Am I that much in denial? Or is it that I'm to stubborn to back down? I do love him, very much and I know he loves me but something has to be done... Maybe it's because I'm spread so thin all the time that I make him seem worse than he is? Maybe I'm just rationalizing. I have much to think about

 

[Enaila]

As another victim of emotional abuse, I whole heartedly agree with the previous posts. Making excuses for him is enabling him. Getting out of the dangerous situation is scary, but necessary if you wish your children to have a stable loving life. Seek assistance from a woman's coalition or at least go and listen to their advice. Courthouse victims advocacy offices often have brochures on what constitutes abuse. Maybe pick one up or Google emotional domestic violence. Ptsd or not does not give another person the right to control using intimidation, fear, or guilt. It's NOT okay he is treating you this way. Take care and stay safe.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Ptsd or not does not give another person the right to control using intimidation, fear, or Guilt. It's NOT okay he is treating you this way. Take care and stay safe.

Amen to that!

Ben

 

[Kyraen]

I have a lot to think about and I know that things have to change. In the mean time I don't know what to do with my own Anxiety. I have never been a person who has anxiety or panic attacks but I have them now. Whenever he is in a bad mood or I have to ask him to do something or go somewhere or if I have to tell him plans have changed I get mild panic attacks because I never know how he will respond to something. He may blow up or he may take it in stride. My husband is a self medicated, and last week he couldn't get his stuff so he called me while I was at work and told me he quit his job because no one would help him and without the pot he can't cope I had a massive panic attack in my office Infront of my extern, a student I am suppose to be a role model for. Do you have any advice for how I can keep my cool when these things happen? I start to feel so frantic and I can't think with all the adrenaline...

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

My husband is a self medicated, and last week he couldn't get his stuff

He is an addict. This brings new flavor to your originial post. Addicts don't get help unless they are forced into it by a court of law.

He won't get help, is an addict, and is abusive and controlling. Why are you staying with him? I'm sorry, he is in a downward spiral but refuses all help. You cannot change his reality. He is not likely to change. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Ben

 

[Enaila]

Getting help for yourself first will help you be able to understand him more. Seek assistance now! I kept telling myself my husband would get better....it didn't. He went from self medicating with pot and alcohol to crack then meth then heroine which killed him in the end. He became more abusive as he did so and more unpredictable. I am a member of this online community partially because I kept thinking he would get better, I could help him, I was just being too nagging of a wife, excuse after excuse I made for him. I blamed myself. I lived in daily fear of the unknown. Now I still live in fear of him eventhough he has been deceased for 11 years, because I have flashbacks of the scariest times in our marriage....those times where I thought for sure he would kill my boys or myself. Please get help before it is too late. Get an escape plan in place. There are also phone apps which summon help without a person knowing. Keep in touch with friends.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Please get help before it is too late. Get an escape plan in place. There are also phone apps which summon help without a person knowing. Keep in touch with friends.

Please listen to Enaila.

While I have never been in this situation myself, I have helped two married women in your situation escape their abusive spouses. If nothing else, I understand just how very dangerous you situation could be.

Ben

 

[Sighs]

Get out now. If not for your own sake for the sake of your child.

He could be dangerous. Get proper help from a women's shelter or domestic violence organisation.

 

[claroscuro]

@Kyraen, all I have in my arsenal to suggest for anxiety/panic attacks, breathing in such a way that it calms and focuses you on that single action.

Hope you get more suggestions from others.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Get out now. If not for your own sake for the sake of your child.

Now, I have spoken to many women of abusive spouses who have stated to me firmly and clearly, over and over, that their spouse would never, ever hurt their children.

Next thing I know, a child has been hurt. Perhaps placed in foster care. A father is in jail. The children are frightened and sad, their little lives shattered. Every time.

Please get out now. if you cannot do it for your own sake, do it for your child.

Ever watched Pay it Forward? Not only is it an excellent, uplifting movie, it will give you a real idea of just what can happen to the child of an abusive spouse.

Ben

 

[Sighs]

The child is already being hurt. Growing up in an environment where he cannot leave the house, where his mother has to account for the number of slices of cheese she ate, where items are smashed. That is a frightening chaotic environment for a child.