Need Sufferer Opinion On Realtionship

[Fadeaway]

@TerriB8511 Just a heads up, when we are in isolation mode, being told we are loved and supported can be a bit too much. It is like sunshine. Sunshine feels nice, but too much of it at the wrong time of day can burn. So you put on a hat and sunblock (isolation) to protect yourself.

 

[TerriB8511]

@Fadeaway Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. As a supporter, that's all you want to do, but I never realized that it could be a driving force away. I appreciate the input because it helps me see things from my BF's perspective.

 

[LoftyLou]

I have somehow become the enemy.there is a constant push / pull dynamic and it is tiring. Rationality has basically gone out the door. I feel like I can say or do nothing right. I am the enemy.

It's a nasty cycle also this happens almost weekly recently.

If this relationship does not meet your needs or is too much to handle or is simply just not what you're looking for, there is nothing wrong with and no Shame in being honest and letting the relationship go.

; the significant person always gets the built up emotions from the precious traumatic relationships-mother, father, sibling, etc.

we forget to say what we actually need to continue to be supportive

we don't always realize when we are making it difficult for our supporters to support

Conversations devolve into anger and hurt instead of useful exchanges of information.

This thread is ringing true for me in so many ways!! My wife and I have been separated for the last three months. We have had varying levels of contact throughout this time period. While we have had positive moments, our overall trajectory is towards permanent separation/divorce.

Last night things came to a head --> there is an upcoming work project we are both a part of (we have the same profession). The usual setup is for her and I to share a room at the facility the project is based out of. Given our separation and dysfunctional dynamic, I thought it would be best if we make arrangements to have separate rooms for the duration of the project. My intention going into the conversation was to show her I take her need for safety/space seriously and that I was willing to take some initiative to make it happen while including her in the process (i.e., even though I know it would be unwise for her and I to be forced to share a room for several weeks and I was fairly certain she also feels this way, it would be inappropriate for me to simply go directly to the project lead and place a request for separate rooms without consulting her on it first–hence talking it over with her before saying or doing anything). When I brought it up I offered to contact the project lead (offered, not stated with absolute certainty that this is what I would do).

Her response was that it was inappropriate for me to be interfering, that by trying to take charge of the situation I was proving to her my unwillingness/inability to give her the space needed for us to have a healthy relationship, and that she had already placed a request with the project lead for separate rooms. She was quite angry/triggered during this response. Because my message was received in such an opposite way as I intended it, I felt very frustrated, angry, and confused. I yelled at her, said she was crazy and that trying to meet all of her (occasionally contradictory) needs is crazy-making for me (this kind of push-pull/trying to hit a moving target of relationship needs has been going on for many months). The last thing I said was that I would not give her the satisfaction of divorcing me because I would divorce her (she has stated several times in the last few months that she will divorce me and that the only reason she hasn’t already done so is because her mental health has prevented her from taking such a drastic/big step…the smell of divorce has been around in our relationship for quite some time).

I immediately felt like garbage for yelling at her and calling her crazy. This is the epitome of non-support/it is somewhat on par with the emotional and psychological abuse her original abusers subjected her to. It makes me sick to my stomach that this is the person I have become around her.

After reflecting on it overnight, I realize divorce is too big of a measure to take based exclusively on a moment where I was so emotionally charged. However, it is clear to me I cannot continue to do this toxic dance with her any longer…it is so damaging to BOTH of us. As an alternative, I requested we take some time apart with absolutely no contact whatsoever (I suggested 2-3 months but said I was willing to negotiate the length of time). My hope is that this will give us both the time and space to sort ourselves out somewhat and to give our relationship a chance to “reboot.” Or maybe it won’t and divorce will still be on the table but at least this way I will know we got divorced based on an explicit choice rather than a moment of emotional outburst.

I made it clear I want her thoughts/ideas/opinions on this proposition (again, trying to include her in this rather important relationship decision). I have not received a reply from her. I only sent the message about six hours ago so it is likely she hasn’t read it or is still figuring out what to write but I have received silence as a (non)response many times lately.

I don’t want to lose her but I am feeling more and more at my wits’ end.

 

[LoftyLou]

This thread is ringing true for me in so many ways!! My wife and I have been separated for the last th...

Self-edit --> My wife carries traumas from a variety of hurts that people have caused her in her past.

 

[Thizette]

@LoftyLou

She shouldn't have yelled at you, though I will say that sometimes when my partner is trying to be helpful and has wonderful intentions, I just want him to back the f*ck up and stop *trying to control* everything.

So you see, we are a little crazy.

But, you're right, you shouldn't have yelled at her, either.

Something that is hard for me to get across to my partner is that sometimes I just need to go do _________ by myself. Whatever it is. And, quite frankly, he can be overwhelming with thousands of questions about why and where and when and how much and why can't we just go together because he has to go do this other thing on that side of town anyway? For me it's about experiencing the absolute freedom. Sometimes the offers to help or the attempt to make things more convenient feels like controlling behavior because that's what we're used to. And it sucks for you, because you're dealing with the outcome of other people's transgressions. It's the "I didn't do this to you, why are you treating me this way" issue that supporters always experience. The thing I've tried to tell my partner when this comes up is, "You didn't do this to me, it's not your fault I am this way, but I am this way and I have this need and I just don't want your help right now." Something I would suggest is, instead of going to her with a proposed solution (which for the sufferer takes our agency away because if it's a good solution we have to agree and then we feel helpless or like we weren't trusted to do it ourselves or we weren't given credit for thinking of it on our own), go to her and tell her what you would like or what your concern is, ask her if she has the same concerns and what she would like to do about it. Better still, if she's got a problem, just ask her if there is any way that you can help. By offering help of her choice, you give her control. By offering a solution, she probably feels that control stripped away.

I hope that made sense. I feel like in trying to explain it to you, I found a better way to explain to my own partner why I get so upset about this stuff.