Am I Wrong For Going Around His Therapist?

[PetuniaPusher]

Hi, what you are saying now seems very different and personally I am relieved to hear you didn't do thi...

He's very passive aggressive, doesn't like confrontation--is very avoidant. Gently, I run things by him. We discuss these kinds of things, and I'm usually the one who is telling him the pro's and con's of things he wants to do. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he does his own thing, and I'm okay with that, because it's not my decision. With his permission, I wrote a letter to his therapist on what I saw happening in his life. He came back and said she told me to "stop." I wrote the letter on the encouragement from a wife of a combat vet, who was essentially in the same boat as I was. She said therapists are often in the dark on a lot of things. So, I did...and I got told to butt out. Yet, my boyfriend is happy I am so involved in his life and care so deeply. Yes, he read the letter, too, and thanked me for it. So, ya...I'm a little confused here on what is right or wrong.

 

[Abstract]

If he is avoidant are you sure he is telling you how he feels about your involvement? I think there are two main issues here: One is if you are over involved and two is whether your involvement could backfire and cause more harm. Especially if he just goes along with what you tell him to do (you seem to be saying this isn't the case).

The therapist is likely not be getting all the information but I would say the exact same for you. You are likely not getting all the information either. He is the one with access to all and he is the one with access to his own brain.

I'm a bit concerned that you don't seem to be hearing what people here are saying about EMDR (that for some with complex trauma it can be very destabilising and always need careful management when its CPTSD). The first step in trauma therapy is NOT to start processing trauma even if this is the right treatment approach for him. Especvially if it is complex/childhood trauma. If he is very unstable and self medicating then the last thing on earth he should try and do is EMDR right now. Do you have a full understanding of what EMDR is and the way it works? Do you want to run it by us here?

Reading between the lines I suspect he is not at all ready to start trauma work at present.

Did the letter make suggestions for treatment or did it just describe how life is for him?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@PetuniaPusher I'm seriously worried about the fact that he self medicated with mushrooms. I seriously doubt that he is ready for any form of serious therapy. He is using self medication to AVOID facing the shit that he's been through. You can't possibly get much out of any type of therapy if you are AVOIDING the truth, trauma, and everything that comes with PTSD.

I also think that he's a "big boy" and therefore he should be the one talking to his therapist, making his own appointments, and writing his own letters. This is what is called " being responsible for my healing" HE needs to do the work, not you.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

First of all I think it's really great that you're here and trying to help and support your SO. If only you could do the work for him but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

There's a cognitive distortion called disqualifying the positive so if for example someone is doing really well at work they might think it "doesn't count" because that's work and my private life is a mess etc. The reason I'm saying this is because I think I see you disqualifying the negative. I'm not going to repeat everything everyone else has said about emdr and complex trauma. I agree with everything everyone has said. Its really up to your sufferer to choose and do the research. But is it worth the risk? That's really the only question here.

If he's not ready to do the work and I see you saying he's avoidant it's not going to work. Coping skills should be first priority. If he's willing to join this forum or maybe another one that would help.

I totally understand him wanting to be better right now, quickly. That's not the way PTSD and especially complex trauma works. I see you saying people have said that emdr has been more beneficial than years of therapy. But you don't seem to be seeing how worried we all are about it. Is it worth the risk? No I wouldn't say so.

He really needs to be responsible for his own healing. All you can do is support him, I can't even imagine how frustrating and upsetting that is as a supporter.

 

[Abstract]

I agree totally with SheCat and Nowherenowhere. At a guess I would say he is in avoidance and overwhelm mode rather than trauma processing mode.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

So, I asked him just now, based upon what I had read here, if he really wanted to go ahead with the EMDR. He said, "I'm asking for this treatment and I'm ready to get this thing going."

He does the work that is required in therapy at the Vet Center. He shows up like clock-work (as long as I'm there to remind him--otherwise he totally forgets about the appointment). I know this because he has come back all teary-eyed from crying and he has told me that his therapist has said he has done more work in a few sessions than most people do in a couple of years.

He has been suicidal in the past, but not since I have been dating him, which has been 1.5 years. Although, our last breakup he said it crossed his mind, but knew it would be devastating to those he loved.

One thing that I'm leaving out, because I didn't realize I had to spell these things out, is that my Vet asks me to help him with his appointments. This is very common with other veterans and their wives. Same with doing his finances. He's horrible at it and has begged me to help him, so that he doesn't spend all of his money.

Ultimately, this is his decision. I'm just here to support him in whatever he wants to do.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Sounds kosher, but then why did you schedule it for him?

Because he asked me to do it for him.

 

[Silver.]

Some thoughts:
"Creating a collaborative therapy relationship requires trust, something that is understandably problematic for many trauma survivors. This is one issue that needs to be worked on before beginning EMDR. Every client is unique; only you know when you are there. If you do not yet feel safe enough in your therapy relationship, it may be premature for you to consider EMDR."-Kathleen Young

when EMDR goes wrong: https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/emdr-lashback-when-emdr-goes-wrong.1388/

Take Care

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can't possibly get much out of any type of therapy if you are AVOIDING the truth, trauma, and everything that comes with PTSD.

I did. Im not saying he should be using any sort of illegal drugs or anything to avoid, Im just saying I did. The worse part of my huffing went on for the first few yrs of therapy.

Now, when I had stopped, my therapist said it was hard to advance in therapy while doing drugs, but I had indeed got a ton out of it, and he said hard, not impossible.

Im not saying this to be arguementative and I am jumping in mid thread without reading much of it. Im saying it because being an addict shouldnt stop you from going to therapy. Im not saying you are saying that, I am just advising.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Some thoughts:
"Creating a collaborative therapy relationship requires trust, something that is underst...

Thank you for that information. I will forward that to him and let him decide. As far as I know, he doesn't have flashbacks.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Let's just hope that if he goes through with EMDR, that his EMDR therapist is FULLY trained and KNOWS of all of the trauma that he has been through and the substances he has been tinkering with....If not, then let's hope he won't suffer any brain damage from doing EMDR by an untrained, uninformed therapist.

I've had multiple trauma in my life. I've self medicated with pot and booze in the past. I've also had many suicide attempts too. But i would never try EMDR. I deal with enough shit with PTSd, I don't need MORE brain damage. That's just too much of a risk for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

One thing that's jumping out to me here is that the OP has stated she's made an EMDR appointment and it seems that this has been translated as "he is starting EMDR with his first appointment". I honestly see no problem with booking an appointment with an EMDR therapist as many EMDR therapists do a variety of types of therapy. I'm guessing that appointment 1 will be an assessment and nothing more. (OP, if the therapist jumps into EMDR before your SO has learned coping skills and stabilized, become clean------then run like the dickens!) In his case I don't think EMDR should start for quite a few months----IF it's deemed a suitable risk (due to complex trauma.) But regardless, it's imperative that he gets clean and learns coping skills before any sort of processing is attempted.

I am going to PM you. I hope that's ok! :)