Relationship How To Be Heard When Sufferer Flies Off The Handle....

[Hojay]

Hi everyone, I've posted a bit in the last few weeks. I'm so thankful for everyone's support so far. Real eye openers!

My boyfriend has been diagnosed with PTSD from severe, prolonged childhood sexual abuse by his grandfather (yes, whopper.) I am mindful of his diagnosis, yet there are boundary issues at play with us that make it increasingly hard to keep up our bond.

He will fly off the handle (though NEVER physically) at seemingly innocuous things I say (the other day I told him like it doesn't feel like he cares about my needs, which prompted him to lash out profusely.) He gets so angry, so aggressive, hurls out very hurtful, manipulative things ("You know how I get when you say things like that.") Then he terminates the conversation and tells me I need to "let him calm down." Which I do, however, after having been subjected to that kind of stuff, it's hard for me to just sit around and wait for him to come around and have a conversation. I just can't be the patient, loving, kind supporter he needs if he doesn't quit acting out like this. I admit I haven't respected his need for space on several occasions - it just so much feels like he's absolving himself of all responsibility.

Last night we had something of a last-call conversation, in which I tried to make him understand MY side of the story - what kinds of things happen BEFORE he starts having panic attacks, which make it hard for me to "let him calm down." He freaked out completely, couldn't get off the topic of ME not letting HIM calm down, how I don't understand the horrible things that go on in his head, etc. I couldn't get him to a point where he understands that I understand that, but he needs to respect my boundaries too.

It ended with a serious bout of dissociation on his part (I've never seen him go into such a state,) after which he was just a lump of tears and told me he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and he doesn't recognize himself, and we should end it. Part of me wanted to say, ok. But I talked him down. I want him to have hope that he can get better and I want him to fight for himself and this. He was ok after a while, though both of us are still shaken up.

Do any of you supporters have experience with irrational, highly volatile conflicts that result in panic attacks, flashbacks, and dissociation on part of your sufferers? How do you get your boundaries HEARD and RESPECTED. How can a conversation work?

 

[Marlene Bodner]

Hi everyone, I've posted a bit in the last few weeks. I'm so thankful for everyone's support so far. Real...

Hi everyone, I've posted a bit in the last few weeks. I'm so thankful for everyone's support so far. Real...

Hi I'm a suffer who has experienced all the symptoms you describe. DID is a maladaptive coping skill that perpetuates the problem. What I've discovered is you have been supportive and loving,bless you for that. Most people can't walk through it because it's the most dehumanizing act a person has to endure. My pastor gave me a book TheWoundedHeart and he's newest book Healing The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. It's by far autobiographical and Allender has made it his mission for thirty years to help victims of sexual abuse. He needs a therapist who specializes in this area. The core of all of his problems is this and if you want this to work do the therapy together. My friend is doing it with me and he can't believe the triggers, fear, Dissociative disorder, and the self destruction. My wish for both of you as the healing begins is strength, courage and compassion. Your a true blessing in his life.

 

[Seasounds]

Do any of you supporters have experience with irrational, highly volatile conflicts that result in panic attacks, flashbacks, and dissociation on part of your sufferers? How do you get your boundaries HEARD and RESPECTED. How can a conversation work?

My heart goes out to you! I can share what I did in a similar situation. In my response to my boyfriend, I blended a many approaches ( all elaborated below): Non-escalation responses, Non-Violent Communication communication, recommendations of Alanon Family Groups communication, focused on my self-care, learned how to improve my emotional regulation of my inner distress, applied and practiced Mindfulness.

• First, I realized that I could not change nor help my mate. He had to make choices towards healing, himself. Whenever I pushed, things got worse.
• I realized that I to needed save my sanity; so I detached- loved him while I stopped expecting him to listen or hear me, Due to his illness, he couldn't be in a living dialogue or a healthy relationship with anyone. Like when you tried to make him hear you, as with my mate, my mate got worse.
• So for a few months, to see if he would choose and make progress on his own, while we lived together, I applied the approaches.
• Changed my expectations of him; realized he was so under with PTSD, that for him to deal with another person was too much.
• De-escalation: Stopped defending myself and stopped accusing him. Stopped expecting anything of him except what he naturally did.
• Non-violent communication: Made my voice tone kind, and did not ask him to take any responsibility (emotionally or physically) and spoke in "I" statements. Example, "I want to let you know I will be gone until tomorrow." "I love you." "I've decided I will be moving." "I appreciate what you do."
• Alanon Family Groups: I focused on changing myself, rather than changing the other person. I learned that I was not to blame for my mate's behavior. Through the tools in Alanon, I learned how to build my self-esteem, I learned how to choose people her were DEMONSTRATING good relational dynamics.
• I processed my emotions with my therapist and with Alanon groups, instead of with my mate. I learned that directly expressing anger to another person usually damages relationships.
• Through Mindfulness-practicing self-awareness and meditation (see info on web and a workbook) and Alanon, I learned how to regulate my emotions, so I didn't live in such an internal roller coaster. There's a workbook that helps with this, Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Take good care!:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

at seemingly innocuous things I say (the other day I told him like it doesn't feel like he cares about my needs, which prompted him to lash out profusely.)

This is totally not innocuous. This is huge.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for your kind reply @Marlene Bodner! I will definitely look into that book, it's a great recommendation.

@Vandya, your list is a gold mine! I've also come to the conclusion that, while he is so under with his PTSD, I can have pretty much zero expectation of him being able to muster up the strength to deal with another person. It's such a sticky situation, as I'm in this relationship too, and it's difficult to figure out where being supportive ends and being a doormat with codependent self-esteem issues starts. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to respect my boundaries, however, I'm starting to think it's unreasonable to expect him to stay calm and collected in highly emotional situations at this point. I will print out our list. Thank you so much!

@shimmerz well yes, it's obviously an emotionally charged statement, which I have every right to make when I genuinely feel like my needs are being disrespected. I don't think it's "huge," I think it's something that the other party should to listen to with compassion and take responsibility where needed. Unless, of course, PTSD and relational issues are a problem - but I have a feeling that pussy footing is a slippery slope.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He probably felt attacked... "you" statements can do that. Instead of saying "you don't listen" maybe try "I feel like I'm not being heard.

It's splitting hairs, but I've found my vet takes things extremely personal, and often times takes things as insults. It's a self-loathing thing, which is pretty common with sufferers. Is it ridiculous sometimes? Yes... but not to them. It's valid if they feel it.

Dropping a bomb, or having "we need to talk" conversations usually don't go over well. If I need to talk about something important, I try to work it into regular conversation slowly while he is feeling well.

And Honestly, the second he started escalating, (yelling, panic attack, dissociation, etc.) I'd end the conversation. If he wanted to lash out or panic, then blame it on me, he could do it on his own time. I wouldn't let it get to the stage where I had to talk him down. Say, "I love you but I'm not being a target. Call me when you are ready to talk calmly."

Also, you cannot reason or argue with a sufferer when their lashing out or ramped up. Never ever going to happen. Just save it for later.

 

[Hojay]

@Sweetpea76 thank you for your response! I understand the importance of non-violent communication, it's something to practice in all relationships.

I wonder though, once I'm done turning myself into a flawless human being, with perfect communication skills, no needs to be attended to, no favors to ask, and no conversations I think are important to have, and/or having accomplished just the right tone, style, timing, and manner to approach him; once I've accomplished all that while my sufferer can indulge in his behavior without interference and absolve himself of all responsibility to have to meet me half way - can I still call it a relationship, or is it something else?

I know I'm being cynical here, but it's SUCH a fine line between supporting and co-dependence, and bending my communication skills, as well as my needs as a human being, into a proverbial pretzel so he can live a stress-free life smells a lot like the latter.

I keep reading on this forum that PTSD is not an excuse for XYZ, that they need to be held accountable for their actions, yet in the same posts supporters describe how they AVOID putting their sufferer in situations that will cause them to behave terribly toward them, thus absolving them from the responsibility to stop behaving that way! I'm very confused.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your partner has a mental illness.

Your relationship is going to be be a lot of work.

Learning to communicate and setting boundaries are two of the most important things you're going to have to learn to do... followed closely by not taking their reactions personally and learning to pick your battles.

 

[Hojay]

I understand @Sweetpea76, I'm sorry if I came off a bit disgruntled. I think I just need to vent here a little as I literally feel like this is just too much to ask of anyone. Maybe it's not, or maybe just of me in this particular situation. Thank you for still replying!

 

[Thisgirl]

My partner is, after many years, very good at calming me down and bringing me to the present. It took a lot of trust building, a lot of pushing him away to realize he wasn't going anywhere. He takes my hands, brings his face close to mine and says he loves me, that it will be ok, that this will pass. I remember my tools and btw meditation and yoga are great for this. I breathe and try to believe him. Good Luck.

 

[sun seeker]

I understand the importance of non-violent communication, it's something to practice in all relationships.

From what I read, you aren't practicing it, though - unless you mean simply that you are communicating without violence? There is a specific technique for improving communication that goes by that same name. I think you might really benefit by it. You can probably find an introduction on YouTube.

 

[Hojay]

@Thisgirl, you have a a really sweet and understanding boyfriend. I'm sure it took a lot of patience. I'm glad things could get better for you! Normally, when my boyfriend has an episode that is unrelated to me, that's what I do too. I'm good at calming him down. However, it's hard when he's relentlessly attacking me. I have to look out for myself too in those moments.

@sun seeker. Yes, I'm familiar with the non violent communication technique. What I said in that situation, specifically was: "I have a feeling my needs are not being respected sometimes." I have been well trained to use I statements and talk about how things make me feel, rather than interpreting his behavior. And I said this after he'd avoided doing something I've been politely asking him to do for 9 months, mind you. Violent or not, any insinuation that I may have needs and he also needs to take some responsibility if he wants to be in this relationship short circuit into the cycle. Believe me, I've tried everything except for using friendly sock puppets to get him to hear me.