My Mom Passed This Morning

[Recovery4Me]

Your T sounds experienced, smart and compassionate. I am impressed with your journey, effort and selection of a professional. (((hugs)))

Why do therapists ask you why something is there?

*I often think to annoy the h3ll out of me!:hilarious: But I know that isn't the real reason. :hug: But it does seem to work better within the T room then me trying to do it by myself when my head is spinning.

You feeling a little bit better? (You can say,"No.");)

Btw proud of you for being so honest as well as courageous. You are stronger than you might realize.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You feeling a little bit better? (You can say,"No.")

I could say no but talking to you put me to sleep so that about as yes as it gets...since its like the next morning and all.

It sucks though as in a split sec i go from being as ok as i can be to figuring out how to die. My mind has always jumped but never this fast and never out of order. In order was always ritual > punishment/cutting > suicide. Fight one and it would skip to the next in the order, so there was a bit of prediction or knowing that if i fight this then this one is next to deal with. My brain is just everywhere and its no longer cutting to numb but cutting just because or something. I dont know, its all so confusing. I just dont get these new leaps. I mean before, to get to on the edge suicidal id have to first be hurting and depressed and then go through the order. Last night i went from being ok, watching tv, calm, to on the edge suicidal. No hurting or depression and none of the order or anything else. No cult thoughts or distorted thoughts or any bad thoughts at all.

Its frustrating, moreso as i cant see it coming to even ground or distract or self soothe or anything else i learned in DBT as now once suicidal all thinking is out the window. I cant distract or self soothe or ground before i get to on the edge suicidal with these leaps either. Nor do they have much reason. I know i was talking about the closet and my mom but id think at least something would come first, at least anxiety but nope.

Your T sounds experienced, smart and compassionate. I am impressed with your journey, effort and selection of a professional.

He is amazing! I didnt select him (wish i could take credit for that), i happened to come on it all by accident. Was forced into therapy and my step mom's GP refered me to that psychiatric office and he was the only male LMHC at the time. So yeah. Had no idea he had any cult experience or any of the experience he has. I just happened to fall into the hands of an amazing therapist by accident. Possible that some devine intervention or something lol.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Possible that some devine intervention or something lol.

((((hugs))) I believe so. But it is what you believe that counts. May today offer a few moments or more of inner peace and joy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The signing shit will never end!! I deleted the temp email acct; I signed to cremate her, signed away all rights to her property, what possible is left? Well, so it seems my mom bought two plots but only one casket...oy vey! Casket is also another word for urn. So, I have to sign to merge the old contract with the new and they are able to put 2 urns inside of one crypt. Its a double crypt or something but my brother's wife, whom i dont trust, said there's no monetry gain or loss, no money changing hands at all. I guess they are just changing 1 casket/urn & 2 plots to 1 plot, 2 casket/urn. But she had this bought and paid for when i was in high school. I remember her specifically buying crypts. So not while dying. This is how absent minded she was! She was so unprepared. Im more prepared for burial arrangments at 35 then she was at 61! *eye roll* This will never end!

I told her i have training this week from 1pm to 10pm (as opposed to my normal shift 2 - 11), so have one less hr in the day. Last time i jumped when she said jump i fell asleep at a turned light going into the bank to get the last form notorized. I aint jumping again!

ETA: This is about the full arrangement for both my mom & step dad as he has to now go into a crypt too. The arrangment is together.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My mom's obit just came out today. Wow, the picture! She looked 80ish, not 61! And i sent it to my sup at work and am asking (would need to be in 2 weeks due to training) if i can take a few days (they give you 5 for an immediate family member) and she keeps asking what I will do, will it do anything, she's not liking that im asking for berevement and not going to her memorial and has to "talk with HR". For f*ck sakes! I almost got myself fired a week ago, how can she not see this is affecting my job?

I told her that i need a few days to see my therapist, to get my emotions more leveled and anxiety down. I dont think any of that is going to happen, im just trying to get some time off. Ugh!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My job is giving me a few days, if needed, after this training. I have this week of training and next week of what we used to call "DoIt" now called emmerging. So i have to pass all of that because if i distupt this training it would be bad bad bad so im giving the company that much.

I did advise her i likely wont be going to her memorial and thats why i emailed her the obit so she had "proof" of her death. And i wanted to make sure those days are there. That way if i wanted to go to my therapist back to back i can or somehow get myself a bit more grounded.

She did not want to give them to me as she kept saying that sometimes its easier to work through it and sometimes being home makes it worse but i didnt let go of it and kept referring back to last week's call, advising her that i dont want that to happen again etc.

She ended by saying that theres a line of personal feeling and professionalisim where we cant let this affect the business and i agree so GIVE ME THE f*ckING 5 DAYS IM OWED!!

ETA: I have them starting 9-6 (9-5 is a holiday) and so if i need a few days i have them that week. It wont be 5 as theres only 4 working days and i wont be a bitch for that 5th day. She seems willing to give me that entire week if needed.

HR's question was how many days and i dont get that, berevement of a parent is 5 days. I dont care that she died a month ago, if i need it, i should be given it...but, its all the f*cking people that abused berevement as to why they are tight asses about it. That and this company is tight about most stuff.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well, my mom "gave me" something. $632.00 from the United States Treasury. It's half of my mom's Social Security check, Aug, I think as it says on the bottom of the left of it "soc sec of ins". My brother likely got the same amount.

It makes up for the $460 I just spent on my car plus. Not much plus then if I didnt spend it but whatevs, its money.

Not that I cared if I got anything and didnt think I would as my brother is the executor of her estate now and his wife is a greedy bitch that hates me and doesnt think I deserve anything because I didnt go see her on her deathbed. Whatever!

I needed some good news as ive been very suicidal for days now and it will now be 3 weeks before I see my therapist. It doesnt take whats happening away but I just needed some good news.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm glad something went unexpectedly well for you! Sorry you are having such a hard time though. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @sun seeker! Its just everything piled on. My mom, my possible layoff in Dec & no jobs so much uncertianity, my dad leaving to N Fl to live with another daughter for the remainder of his days (per him), my chronic pain getting so bad dressing in the morning is a huge chore and just feeling so bad physically & the dizziness scarying me at this point. Just all the weight on one person is too much. And then not being able to see my therapist for 3 weeks. Its just too much. Im getting so exhausted of pushing my way through life that most days it just isnt worth pushing. I just am too mentally and physically exhausted to do it anymore.

Been wanting to make threads but changed my mind as im like "why bother these poor people?"

Anyway, sorry, didnt mean to ramble. Thanks!

 

[sun seeker]

Just all the weight on one person is too much. And then not being able to see my therapist for 3 weeks. Its just too much.

Do I ever know what that feels like.

Been wanting to make threads but changed my mind as im like "why bother these poor people?"

Mind if I challenge that one? You aren't bothering us. There's nobody forcing any of us to participate. People reply to threads if they want to. Post all you like!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Mind if I challenge that one?

I never mind a challenge! ;)

There's nobody forcing any of us to participate. People reply to threads if they want to. Post all you like!

I know, its just that they always sound more like diary posts. Sometimes I will copy them to my diary. Most times i just dont post it. I dont know, i hate to sound whiny cause I cant figure out how to move still.

 

[sun seeker]

Is it actually hating to sound whiny, or are you worried that people will react to what you post in a way that you will interpret as critical because they think you sound whiny, and you won't be able to handle the feedback?

I could be way off here, but that's probably where my thought process would go.