Burnt-toast
New Here
Hey guys,
I'm relatively new here so I apologise if this has been covered in other threads! I won't delve into too much detail, because I'm not wanting to write a novel here, but I'm after a little bit of advice...
I suffer with relentless full-blown freak-out flashbacks in therapy that seem to go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds, and they're just feeling more increasingly difficult to control. I would get an A+ for effort and dedication to my trauma work, because I just so desperately want to get it over and done with; but I find these flashbacks take up 3/4 of my sessions at times (I have quite lengthy (2+ hour long) appointments), and seem to be triggered by even the smallest things. I have this desperate need to be able to verbalise my story because I've never been allowed or had the opportunity to do that, but it feels like these flashbacks just hijack the sessions and make it impossible to do that or get any decent amount of work done outside of the emails that we send.
The trouble is this... I have tried just about every medication under the sun to control my PTSD with no success. I found that high dosage beta blockers worked wonders, however had to go off them due to a heart condition. I struggle with, and more often than not become triggered by relaxation and breathing exercises, because the nature of my trauma had me fixated on my breath and ensuring that I stayed conscious and alive (It was incredibly violent, and I was suffocated and choked unconscious countless times over a 12 hour period, and given drugs that slowed me down so much that I had to make a conscious effort to remind myself to breathe enough); it became a survival method not to let my guard down or relax at any cost... the word "relax" itself is a trigger because he repeated it over and over again. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to die that night, but I still can't seem to shake those triggers, which is making it difficult to find grounding techniques that work when I need them the most!
Does anyone else seem to find that just about everything becomes a trigger once in flashback mode? I've tried all of the sensory things (hot packs, ice, smells, strong tastes etc) but they often heighten the flashback. The only thing I've found useful to date (which we do every session) is throwing a teddy bear back and forth to each other across the room, particularly during tough conversations (we're trying our hand at bilateral stimulation). The issue is that the flashbacks hit me so hard and fast, that even that doesn't seem to be enough at times, and once I'm in full-flashback mode I am unable to speak or move my body other than to respond to body memories and fight him off me, so throwing that bear, or stamping my feet, or getting up out of the chair are impossible tasks.
To come out of these flashbacks, I have to hold onto my therapists hands to feel even slightly grounded, and it is such an active fight to stay in the present moment. I can usually see around the room.. logically I know where I am etc, however they are such overwhelming emotional and physical flashbacks (incredibly painful and indescribably terrifying) that knowing that doesn't seem to make a difference. I feel him on me.. all over me and it doesn't matter how much I know that he's not there, I can't help but respond and it still feels like he's going to kill me at any second. Sometimes she integrates tapping, which seems to bring me back a little faster, but it just feels like there has to be an easier way, or some miracle method that works so I'm not wasting so much of my valuable sessions reliving this horrible nightmare.
All of this may sound completely nonsensical and crazy, but I would love to know what has worked for you if anyone else has faced this battle!
Super Kind regards,
BT x
I'm relatively new here so I apologise if this has been covered in other threads! I won't delve into too much detail, because I'm not wanting to write a novel here, but I'm after a little bit of advice...
I suffer with relentless full-blown freak-out flashbacks in therapy that seem to go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds, and they're just feeling more increasingly difficult to control. I would get an A+ for effort and dedication to my trauma work, because I just so desperately want to get it over and done with; but I find these flashbacks take up 3/4 of my sessions at times (I have quite lengthy (2+ hour long) appointments), and seem to be triggered by even the smallest things. I have this desperate need to be able to verbalise my story because I've never been allowed or had the opportunity to do that, but it feels like these flashbacks just hijack the sessions and make it impossible to do that or get any decent amount of work done outside of the emails that we send.
The trouble is this... I have tried just about every medication under the sun to control my PTSD with no success. I found that high dosage beta blockers worked wonders, however had to go off them due to a heart condition. I struggle with, and more often than not become triggered by relaxation and breathing exercises, because the nature of my trauma had me fixated on my breath and ensuring that I stayed conscious and alive (It was incredibly violent, and I was suffocated and choked unconscious countless times over a 12 hour period, and given drugs that slowed me down so much that I had to make a conscious effort to remind myself to breathe enough); it became a survival method not to let my guard down or relax at any cost... the word "relax" itself is a trigger because he repeated it over and over again. I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to die that night, but I still can't seem to shake those triggers, which is making it difficult to find grounding techniques that work when I need them the most!
Does anyone else seem to find that just about everything becomes a trigger once in flashback mode? I've tried all of the sensory things (hot packs, ice, smells, strong tastes etc) but they often heighten the flashback. The only thing I've found useful to date (which we do every session) is throwing a teddy bear back and forth to each other across the room, particularly during tough conversations (we're trying our hand at bilateral stimulation). The issue is that the flashbacks hit me so hard and fast, that even that doesn't seem to be enough at times, and once I'm in full-flashback mode I am unable to speak or move my body other than to respond to body memories and fight him off me, so throwing that bear, or stamping my feet, or getting up out of the chair are impossible tasks.
To come out of these flashbacks, I have to hold onto my therapists hands to feel even slightly grounded, and it is such an active fight to stay in the present moment. I can usually see around the room.. logically I know where I am etc, however they are such overwhelming emotional and physical flashbacks (incredibly painful and indescribably terrifying) that knowing that doesn't seem to make a difference. I feel him on me.. all over me and it doesn't matter how much I know that he's not there, I can't help but respond and it still feels like he's going to kill me at any second. Sometimes she integrates tapping, which seems to bring me back a little faster, but it just feels like there has to be an easier way, or some miracle method that works so I'm not wasting so much of my valuable sessions reliving this horrible nightmare.
All of this may sound completely nonsensical and crazy, but I would love to know what has worked for you if anyone else has faced this battle!
Super Kind regards,
BT x
