Struggling- Suicidal And Self-harm Thoughts

[Muttly]

Please- this is not about politics. I am not interested in political discussion or mention of who is a better candidate. Having said that I may well mention Trump. This is because he is very much like the dad. Please do not comment about hillary, who to vote for, anything referencing politics. If you do the mods will close this thread, which is fair but not helpful to me.

we are entering the season when my PTSD is at the worst. so many bad things have happened between november and mid january. And right now, with trump all over the news and peoples conversions and everything I'm extra triggered. And yes, I'm not watching news, I'm off facebook, etc. It's still hard to escape mention of him and also makes me feel like I did when I was little. like the dad was everywhere and and it was impossible to hide away

our most emo part is now seriously suicidal. that part is thinking about how to do it. we are also getting graphic flashes in our head of suicide and self-injury. we sent our therapist an email this morning, telling her. we are at work right now but can't think. .

we've been fighting this so long. we just want to give up. why isn't giving up ever an option?

 

[desiderata310]

Trump is very triggering to a lot of people. I am among those people. My ex was very much like him and I've had to work very hard to just avoid the news, much in the same way you are.

There's another thread talking about ways people are avoiding the coverage and plans to spend election day that will be peaceful and avoid the clamor of the crap.

Remember that trump exhibits signs of a sociopath. This is not a political statement. This is observation from someone who lived with one. Read up on gas lighting. Read up on recovering from living with this kind of personality. Do read with care. know you aren't alone in the way that you are triggered.

 

[joeylittle]

why isn't giving up ever an option?

If I were to try and answer, I'd say - because the only thing that is true and constant about this world is change. Everything will change. It may change for the better, for the worse, or just sideways...but nothing holds absolutely still. You change as well, every day. Some people would say that every time you inhale, it's change. Small, but there.

When you give up, you are stopping before you've had a chance to see how the change is going to happen, affect you, affect your environment.

And I know it's especially hard when everything seems to be changing towards the negative, over and over...try and look at things in much smaller chunks, if you can. Focus on the small things that are in your life that you can observe.

Is the dog in your avatar yours? (I hope that's an OK question to ask)

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I'm holed up right now. Was going to watch tv tonight but can't handle that so I'm watching DVDs.

Can you focus on self care? Are there certain activities which make you feel better?

It's all about getting through the next day. If there's anything that could put off then maybe you should? Unless the distraction would help instead of hurt.

Fortunately I only have to do one thing tomorrow and can avoid most of what I want to avoid.

 

[Muttly]

Remember that trump exhibits signs of a sociopath. This is not a political statement. This is observation from someone who lived with one. Read up on gas lighting. Read up on recovering from living with this kind of personality. Do read with care. know you aren't alone in the way that you are triggered.

my whole family practiced gas-lighting. heh, except now I want to say that's not true or maybe I'm exaggerating or attention seeking or playing the victim to avoid responsibility.... I still get so muddled up.

I am not sure if the dad was (is) a sociopath but I think there's a good chance it's true. I suspect my therapist thinks he is.

@joeylittle thank you for reminding me things change. I know that. I guess some of us inside forget.

And I know it's especially hard when everything seems to be changing towards the negative, over and over...try and look at things in much smaller chunks, if you can. Focus on the small things that are in your life that you can observe.

we expect november and december to be bad for us, but we are also still always disappointed when it is. It just seems like at some point we should be ok. And then this year, we were sick basically all of october, which probably ran our coping ability down and we are also really unhappy at our job. then the triggers of trump and now it's the stupid season and apparently it feels like too much.

Oh and yes, that is one of my dogs. And it's alway ok to ak me about critters :) that's my favorite thing (and the reason suicide is not at all allowed).

Can you focus on self care? Are there certain activities which make you feel better?.

Fortunately I only have to do one thing tomorrow and can avoid most of what I want to avoid.

I hope you can take care of yourself. Holing up sounds like a good idea. I have to go to work tomorrow :P It might not be bad though since it will keep me busy. I failed at doing self-care tonight. I did stuff I knew would make me feel worse so tomorrow I will try to refocus on self-care.

Either that or going to the magic island until february

 

[loui50]

I haven't read all the replies, but I wanted to say you aren't alone. He is very triggering for me too. My T said a lot of people are having a really hard time and are being triggered by this election. Please just know you are not alone.

 

[Muttly]

We are in such bad shape. We couldn't sleep last night. we have to go to work and here people talking about the election

we tried to tell ourself that the election doesn't matter that much. that trump isn't the dad. that we'd be ok however it worked out but it's not true. and we know he's just a president and it's not the end of the world. we know he isn't the dad. we just... can't seem to make it separate in our head. again, this isn't about politics really. it's about our triggers and having to hear about someone who is so much like the dad over and over and over. And hearing about how he's succeeding and has so much support.

 

[desiderata310]

Do yourself a favor and turn off all media sources. Nothing is going to change right now. Just close the laptop and turn off the radio and tv. Take a serious break from all media outlets

I'm on much the same boat

 

[sun seeker]

Thinking of you Muttly. I hope work is a distraction for you today.

 

[Friday]

we know he isn't the dad. we just... can't seem to make it separate in our head.

Just a reminder... That IS progress :D And a success.

My son is in the exact same position but in reverse... Without the self awareness. Because his abuser is an avid and vocal Dem & Clinton supporter, he's completely conflated his dad with Clinton (and all democrats, at the moment, sigh). Was up for 2 days completely irrational, convinced not only would the world end, but he himself personally would be violently hurt (not grandiosity, just experience, his dad hurts him = Clinton would hurt him), his life ruined (he may be able to work around his abusive as f*ck father, but the president???), and that the president would treat the entire country/world like his dad treats him. <wailing sob> meets <righteous anger> and <kapow!> And, and, and, and.... Wihout the self awareness of why he feels this way. Ven more tangled, he loves his dad & loves his country, so the whole thing is just one giant clusterf*ck in his head and heart.

So. Do. Not. Sell. Yourself. Short.

You may be beating yourself up for not being able to separate them... Yet... But it's a VICTORY that you've been able to see the link. It's a step. One you've already taken. And that's progress. And worth celebrating. :) Instead of being mad you aren't further along. Baby steps. You're doing it right.

 

[Muttly]

@desiderata310 thanks for that advice. I have actually done that for weeks and am continuing to do that. Well I'm on the laptop but just been playing games, coming here and avoiding the political threads, and playing games.

I'm at work and its all my work group is talking about. We had a morning meeting and they spent the first 15 minutes talking about how upset they were. One of the coworkers was crying and they were all comforting here which I found stupidly triggering. I have most of the day to go

@sun seeker thank you. As I mentioned work is unfortunately not being a distraction

@Friday thank you. That is helpful. I a till feel like I should know better but I will try to hold onto your words. I hope your son can find some comfort now

 

[Ronin]

@Muttly as to that part of 'should know better', not really.

You DO know well: you've been hurt a lot, and you're spotting the same patterns in people. That itself is quite a lot, many times people have to train for a lifetime to spot patterns in something that you do almost reflexively, because of a life time of abuse. It may not be entirely applicable, but that doesn't mean what's happening with you is being out of reality or immature. The contrary.