Gs172003
Diamond Member
One month and already getting better is pretty good. Why don't you celebrate that??
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Gs172003
Diamond Member
You're stronger than I am. If I didn't have the tools my therapist gave me...other people in my life and THIS place... There's no way in HELL I could intentionally expose myself to anything that even remotely reminds me of that stuff and even thinking about it is causing me problems I just can't.
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Deleted member 37605
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I don't want to seem ungrateful. I have read a lot of posts on this site and other anxiety related forums. I know there are a lot of people who went through way worse experiences than I did and who are impaired by their anxiety disorders in a much more significant way. And I know there are people living this way for years and not months.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
I'm sorry I don't want to downplay your experience. I read one of your posts and it set me off. I'm sorry.
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Deleted member 37605
Joey here is the recent timeline of important events:
Aug 2012 - My dad passes away on the eve of my birthday. I react pretty hard. Instead of taking 5 days off work, I ask for 30 days. During this time and slightly after I gain 20 pounds by overeating.
Nov 2012 - receive promotion at work to supervisors job. Stress levels go up as now my job entails dealing with serious complaints and problematic people.
Feb 2015 - Terminated from my employment. It was over nothing important. I felt highly angry by the experience. I was put inside a room and forced to answer questions like a criminal. Trust me when I say that no person in the real world would consider it a fire-able offense.
Mar 2015 - May 2015. Contact a lawyer and begin to discuss termination and settlement. I didn't feel all that stressed out by this process. I mostly took the time to relax as opposed to looking for a new job.
June 2015-Sept 2015. Decide to move back into parent's house to save money on rent. One of my lifelong anxiety symptoms is "hoarding". I take the time to unload the stuff by selling on Ebay and classified ads and moving some boxes to the new home.
Oct 2015- Dec 2015 Drive for Uber to earn extra money. Found it too stressful for the money to be worthwhile. During this time, I am also seeking out new employment.
Jan 2016- May 2016 Seek out new employment to no avail.
May 2016 - tried concentrated Marijuana which lead to an hallucinatory experience. I saw a man run up to my house with a knife. This may have been the onset of something or a stress reaction.
Also sometime in early 2016, I receive an invitation from my friend who lives in another country to go visit him. So I decided to wait to June (warmer) and take 3 months off during the summer to visit him in Poland.
June 2016 - Felt really good living in a foreign country. Felt important, independent and just plain happy. However, by the end of June, I started to feel a little depressed. I also increased my alcohol consumption greatly. Every weekend I binged drank.
July 2016 - Had first "OCD" incident in years which I described above. Drank so much I started to nearly get into fights which increased my anxiety level. Also experienced a slight head injury which I thought may have been a contributing factor to my disorder later on.
Aug 2016 - Became increasingly frustrated and bored with Poland. Took some smaller trips to Greece and Ukraine. During stay in Greece, had extreme nightmare there was someone in my hotel room trying to kill me. Woke up kicking and screaming.
Early Sept 2016- nearing end of my 3 months allowable visit to Poland. Had my incident regarding the break in. Mentally, I felt fine but within a few days, began to feel very light headed and fatigued all the time. I thought it was anemia from a different medical problem.
Came back home on sept 4.
Sept 4-11 - Felt fine which is weird. No physical symptoms, just tired all the time which I attributed to Jet Lag.
Sept 11-18 - Started to feel light headed again. Booked appointment with my GP for tests. I remember my anxiety really spiked at this time. Now began to have more anxiety related physical symptoms. Choking feeling, tingling in fingers and toes, unexplained chills, Joint pains. etc.
Sept 18 - 25 Experienced first series of panic attacks. I remember my first panic attack came after I was looking out the window during the early evening. I remember having extreme anxiety 24/7. There were multiple panic attacks every day. A constant state of hyper vigilance. Pins and needles and shooting pains in my head. A feeling of intense fear and dread all day long.
Early October - Had incident with the little girl running as described above as well as a few other similar events. Panic was so intense it felt at times I was losing control of my body.
Decide to do a full anxiety "detox" avoiding all caffeine, sweets, alcohol. I start taking supplements and reading all the books I can find on anxiety. I start seeing a Psychologist every week. One of the books told me to just "accept the anxiety" so I try to do that.
Mid October - learn how to stop Panic attacks using breathing method I found on youtube. I have not had a full blown panic attack since. But lots of anxiety symptoms.
Halloween - Hit a new plateau and I see a real noticeable change. Felt like my old self at times throughout the day.
Nov 1-present. I feel like I am getting better. There are setbacks. 2-3 days ago I freaked out when it started to get dark.
Aug 2012 - My dad passes away on the eve of my birthday. I react pretty hard. Instead of taking 5 days off work, I ask for 30 days. During this time and slightly after I gain 20 pounds by overeating.
Nov 2012 - receive promotion at work to supervisors job. Stress levels go up as now my job entails dealing with serious complaints and problematic people.
Feb 2015 - Terminated from my employment. It was over nothing important. I felt highly angry by the experience. I was put inside a room and forced to answer questions like a criminal. Trust me when I say that no person in the real world would consider it a fire-able offense.
Mar 2015 - May 2015. Contact a lawyer and begin to discuss termination and settlement. I didn't feel all that stressed out by this process. I mostly took the time to relax as opposed to looking for a new job.
June 2015-Sept 2015. Decide to move back into parent's house to save money on rent. One of my lifelong anxiety symptoms is "hoarding". I take the time to unload the stuff by selling on Ebay and classified ads and moving some boxes to the new home.
Oct 2015- Dec 2015 Drive for Uber to earn extra money. Found it too stressful for the money to be worthwhile. During this time, I am also seeking out new employment.
Jan 2016- May 2016 Seek out new employment to no avail.
May 2016 - tried concentrated Marijuana which lead to an hallucinatory experience. I saw a man run up to my house with a knife. This may have been the onset of something or a stress reaction.
Also sometime in early 2016, I receive an invitation from my friend who lives in another country to go visit him. So I decided to wait to June (warmer) and take 3 months off during the summer to visit him in Poland.
June 2016 - Felt really good living in a foreign country. Felt important, independent and just plain happy. However, by the end of June, I started to feel a little depressed. I also increased my alcohol consumption greatly. Every weekend I binged drank.
July 2016 - Had first "OCD" incident in years which I described above. Drank so much I started to nearly get into fights which increased my anxiety level. Also experienced a slight head injury which I thought may have been a contributing factor to my disorder later on.
Aug 2016 - Became increasingly frustrated and bored with Poland. Took some smaller trips to Greece and Ukraine. During stay in Greece, had extreme nightmare there was someone in my hotel room trying to kill me. Woke up kicking and screaming.
Early Sept 2016- nearing end of my 3 months allowable visit to Poland. Had my incident regarding the break in. Mentally, I felt fine but within a few days, began to feel very light headed and fatigued all the time. I thought it was anemia from a different medical problem.
Came back home on sept 4.
Sept 4-11 - Felt fine which is weird. No physical symptoms, just tired all the time which I attributed to Jet Lag.
Sept 11-18 - Started to feel light headed again. Booked appointment with my GP for tests. I remember my anxiety really spiked at this time. Now began to have more anxiety related physical symptoms. Choking feeling, tingling in fingers and toes, unexplained chills, Joint pains. etc.
Sept 18 - 25 Experienced first series of panic attacks. I remember my first panic attack came after I was looking out the window during the early evening. I remember having extreme anxiety 24/7. There were multiple panic attacks every day. A constant state of hyper vigilance. Pins and needles and shooting pains in my head. A feeling of intense fear and dread all day long.
Early October - Had incident with the little girl running as described above as well as a few other similar events. Panic was so intense it felt at times I was losing control of my body.
Decide to do a full anxiety "detox" avoiding all caffeine, sweets, alcohol. I start taking supplements and reading all the books I can find on anxiety. I start seeing a Psychologist every week. One of the books told me to just "accept the anxiety" so I try to do that.
Mid October - learn how to stop Panic attacks using breathing method I found on youtube. I have not had a full blown panic attack since. But lots of anxiety symptoms.
Halloween - Hit a new plateau and I see a real noticeable change. Felt like my old self at times throughout the day.
Nov 1-present. I feel like I am getting better. There are setbacks. 2-3 days ago I freaked out when it started to get dark.
Last edited by a moderator:
Gs172003
Diamond Member
What you just described does not sound like PTSD at all. I'm sorry but it doesn't. It sounds to me, as a layman, like drug induced hallucinations and stress. But that's just an uneducated opinion. But PTSD? No.
joeylittle
Sponsor
Thank you, @Iwillrecover. I've got some thoughts based on what you wrote, and will be able to share my 2 cents later this evening.
Four follow ups -
Four follow ups -
- was your fathers death unexpected?
- How was the drinking up til you decided to cut out caffeine, sweets, alcohol?
- Did the termination lawsuit resolve?
- How has the support in your life been, overall - friends, family, relationships?
Hun, OCD all the way. Choking and fear of choking when not consuming alcohol or depressants to numb that tension. That is how childhood OCD is red flagged. Most OCD kids consume only mashed potatoes and other liquid or soft foods due to fear of choking, which is a sensation they feel when they eat that they cannot explain verbally but instinctively feel.
Hoarding lifelong with anxiety is classic OCD.
That's two big ones.
Then, the "Intrusive Thoughts" as they are actually called, not "flash thoughts." That is not a thing. Intrusive thoughts for PTSD are actual memores of the trauma. Since you don't have that, again, not PTSD. OCD intrusive thoughts are listed all over as "fear that you could do harm that is atypical of your character, especially to a child or loved one."
That's actually 4 of the signs of OCD that will usually take folks in to seek treatment and meds.
You also mentioned checking the windows and hallucinations. My cousin with OCD, lifelong, had those exact same hallucinations. Her friend was walking toward her smiling in the high school hallway. She saw the friend wielding a knife. My cousin froze, and then realized it was hallucinatory. Her friend never knew why she was so stiff and unfeeling. My cousin lost a lot of friends because this kind of thing happened to her and she was not able to figure out it was OCD until Grad School in her early 30's.
This is OCD all the way, and you said you've thought that for a long time. It's very clear to me, but your psych won't tell you OCD because it requires supervision and medication and training for you that is all over her head. She wants to keep you. Please leave and go get a real Dr. for this real condition, whatever it is.
OCD anxiety is totally different than PTSD. CBT works but it won't respond to the treatments of PTSD. If it's OCD and its being treated as PTSD, you will probably not reap benefits.
I have no expertise, only tons of research on OCD due to my husband having it and not wanting to have it confirmed officially, and my cousin who is a counselor who has had it. I grew up very close to her and love her dearly. I never could explain all this stuff you described. How many family dinners I sat through watching her eat only her mashed potatoes with lots of butter and be so skinny. All she would have is soft foods, candy, like soft candy, and sweet drinks. I never got it until she told me it was OCD the whole time.
Like you, when we were playing a computer or Nintendo game, if she didn't think her clicks were right, she had to restart the whole machine and start the routine all over. I thought it was a control-freak thing. I now realize that is OCD rituals.
Take care, and I Hope whatever you find out that it helps you enjoy life and succeed. My cousin accepted her diagnosis and takes Xanax and is very happy, a mom, a dog owner, and is living her dream. She moved to the beach in southern CA.
It takes guts to accept, but once you let the Dr. guide you through this stuff, you come out way better off and able to be happy much more often.
Hoarding lifelong with anxiety is classic OCD.
That's two big ones.
Then, the "Intrusive Thoughts" as they are actually called, not "flash thoughts." That is not a thing. Intrusive thoughts for PTSD are actual memores of the trauma. Since you don't have that, again, not PTSD. OCD intrusive thoughts are listed all over as "fear that you could do harm that is atypical of your character, especially to a child or loved one."
That's actually 4 of the signs of OCD that will usually take folks in to seek treatment and meds.
You also mentioned checking the windows and hallucinations. My cousin with OCD, lifelong, had those exact same hallucinations. Her friend was walking toward her smiling in the high school hallway. She saw the friend wielding a knife. My cousin froze, and then realized it was hallucinatory. Her friend never knew why she was so stiff and unfeeling. My cousin lost a lot of friends because this kind of thing happened to her and she was not able to figure out it was OCD until Grad School in her early 30's.
This is OCD all the way, and you said you've thought that for a long time. It's very clear to me, but your psych won't tell you OCD because it requires supervision and medication and training for you that is all over her head. She wants to keep you. Please leave and go get a real Dr. for this real condition, whatever it is.
OCD anxiety is totally different than PTSD. CBT works but it won't respond to the treatments of PTSD. If it's OCD and its being treated as PTSD, you will probably not reap benefits.
I have no expertise, only tons of research on OCD due to my husband having it and not wanting to have it confirmed officially, and my cousin who is a counselor who has had it. I grew up very close to her and love her dearly. I never could explain all this stuff you described. How many family dinners I sat through watching her eat only her mashed potatoes with lots of butter and be so skinny. All she would have is soft foods, candy, like soft candy, and sweet drinks. I never got it until she told me it was OCD the whole time.
Like you, when we were playing a computer or Nintendo game, if she didn't think her clicks were right, she had to restart the whole machine and start the routine all over. I thought it was a control-freak thing. I now realize that is OCD rituals.
Take care, and I Hope whatever you find out that it helps you enjoy life and succeed. My cousin accepted her diagnosis and takes Xanax and is very happy, a mom, a dog owner, and is living her dream. She moved to the beach in southern CA.
It takes guts to accept, but once you let the Dr. guide you through this stuff, you come out way better off and able to be happy much more often.
OCD Clinical Definition | DSM-IV-TR | Diagnosing OCD | Beyond OCD
Link Removed
Please dismiss if not helpful, but I wondered if the above might help.
According to the 2nd link, with OCD, even when a Dr. says you are fine or have something in particular, folks with OCD will likely obsess and ruminate over it and not feel the sense of "closure" most would feel from that. It says you over-research things hoping to find a diagnosis that will feel "perfect" but nothing does.
It seems like that's happening to you in this thread, going round with that sense of uncertainty, which is what I'm "picking up" and reacting to by trying to "over help" you. The fact that instead of getting professional evaluation, you're reading online everything (more than an hour per day?) then that is a fifth feature of OCD, if that's true.
Without OCD, you'd settle this in a psychiatry office, but with OCD, there is that search for the "perfect fit" as a quest to actually root out the massive OCD anxiety you're dealing with.
I just read in the above that a traumatic event can make OCD rear its head into more symptoms. Sounds like that could be the case for you, since you had something very scary and then more symptoms of whatever it is.
I guess I feel like I've figure it out for you, but until you "feel" like you have the answer in hand, it's not going away for you anytime soon. Sorry. I am very close to some folks with OCD, and I love them very much, so it kinda evokes a lot of emotions for me that are hard for me to process right now.
I don't know for sure you have it, until you're diagnosed, but I am here to support you whatever you do find out or your choice to just keep digging around.
Link Removed
Please dismiss if not helpful, but I wondered if the above might help.
According to the 2nd link, with OCD, even when a Dr. says you are fine or have something in particular, folks with OCD will likely obsess and ruminate over it and not feel the sense of "closure" most would feel from that. It says you over-research things hoping to find a diagnosis that will feel "perfect" but nothing does.
It seems like that's happening to you in this thread, going round with that sense of uncertainty, which is what I'm "picking up" and reacting to by trying to "over help" you. The fact that instead of getting professional evaluation, you're reading online everything (more than an hour per day?) then that is a fifth feature of OCD, if that's true.
Without OCD, you'd settle this in a psychiatry office, but with OCD, there is that search for the "perfect fit" as a quest to actually root out the massive OCD anxiety you're dealing with.
I just read in the above that a traumatic event can make OCD rear its head into more symptoms. Sounds like that could be the case for you, since you had something very scary and then more symptoms of whatever it is.
I guess I feel like I've figure it out for you, but until you "feel" like you have the answer in hand, it's not going away for you anytime soon. Sorry. I am very close to some folks with OCD, and I love them very much, so it kinda evokes a lot of emotions for me that are hard for me to process right now.
I don't know for sure you have it, until you're diagnosed, but I am here to support you whatever you do find out or your choice to just keep digging around.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
You have been through a heck of alot of stress iwillrecover
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Deleted member 37605
There was just one drug induced hallucination in May. The Trauma event occurred in September. I don't do drugs very often. I went to Amsterdam twice and my previous experience with edible MJ was amazing. Just laughed non stop for about 2 hours. I woke up and felt amazing. My unrelated medical problem seemed fixed for 3 months following.
It's possible that doing the drug contributed to an episode 4 months later but it's highly unlikely. Millions of people smoke weed or use edibles. The next day after my weed induced hallucination I felt fine. That being said, I am reluctant to ever smoke or eat weed again.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
I reread. Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms?
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