Relationship Push/pull - Combat Ptsd Boyfriend New Relationship

[Bigblue]

First of all, it's great to post on these boards as I have found so many things I can relate to for the past 4-5 weeks.

Like most people on here, my relationship started with a high school friend this year. We were infatuated pretty quickly. And I knew it wasn't real love. We are in our 40s. He has never been married, came back from combat about 20 years ago. I knew about his PTSD but didn't know about how it affected romantic relationships.

We had 3-4 months of bliss, we were mostly long distance. As soon as we were intimate he pulled back. I overreacted, he cut contact for 2 weeks, I ended it. Got back together with less "fantasy" ideals last month. Again all is well until we are intimate. He is OK for 2-3 days. Pulls away again. This time I was expecting it. I give him space he texts every 3-4 days. Not asking for dates... Then pulls away a lot after one is his friends get sick. No calls, texts for 2 weeks... I thought how can I be with someone if talk to them every 3 weeks over texts and maintain an exclusive relationship?

After I went no contact he apparently texted me, I didn't get it because of an app problem. I sent a light hearted text today as I care about him, miss him. And I have known him
for 25 years. He first reached out to me last year saying he always had a crush on me and I was the love of his life (which I think there is some fantasy there)... Now it seems like I am the one chasing and smothering him even with a once a week text.

It is clear from reading things on here that his will be hard, which I can try. But I also read here and on mycombatptsd that once a sufferer starts pulling away from a S/O things don't end well, other women enter the picture etc.

I don't know what to do... Advice is much appreciated from experienced members.

 

[Gs172003]

First of all, it's great to post on these boards as I have found so many things I can relate to for the...

is he only contacting you when he's "in the mood?"

 

[Bigblue]

@missy meier ... If you mean "in the mood" for sex, no...

This is how it happenned both times when we broke up without breaking up.
-I usually let him initiate
-we text about regular things, letting each other know how our day is. Sharing images (things we joke about, we both love the ocean etc)
-then we meet, all goes well. We get intimate
-he call, he texts, I reply
-3rd, 4th day he disappears no contact
-I wait 2-3 days check in. He replies in a nice
tone but cutting short
-then I wait a week.. He usually sends something like "sorry I am busy or stressed, talk to you later"... I reply kindly too, telling him to take care of what he needs to and that will talk later...

But days pass... Usually the 3rd week I get upset and decide I cannot deal with this.
Last time I ended it, this time I went no contact for a month... I deleted his number from my phone so it would be easier to move on. Apparently he texted me. Probably to just give me an update... But keep a distance...

I think he has feelings for me, and maybe tried to be in a relationship... But failed both times. He admitted he was very upset after to 1st time we broke up. But just doesn't do anything to fix it. And keeps his distance...

So frustrating when he chased me for almost a year and as soon as I had feelings he dropped
me on my head and the push/pull started...

Ughhhh... Can this work? or should I just not even entertain the idea of seeing him again?

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier ... If you mean "in the mood" for sex, no...

This is how it happenned...

Be sounds just like a man I've known for years and it had nothing to do with PTSD. He was just that way. Commitment and being in a close relationship just wasn't for him. Don't waste your time if that's him.

 

[Bigblue]

Can't tell if it is PTSD or him just being a player? I don't feel that he is and I am experienced. But how would one know, it is a new relationship and I am almost 100% sure he is being very effected by PTSD at certain times... and he tries to hide it from me.

During our 1st argument when I got very upset of his distance we had a 1hr discussion. This was the only time "the walls" came down. He told me he had weird behaviors.. That he even keeps good friends away... He is also "distant" with his family... But that he shouldn't be like that with me...

In the end he couldn't do it though...

I am really thinking if I have "no expectations" from him, and accept him as he is. I won't get hurt. I can see this as an "experience" in life that I have to go through. But obviously I am here, so I am more invested in this... and scared of getting my heart crushed...

 

[Confusedandstuck]

First of all, it's great to post on these boards as I have found so many things I can relate to for the...

I have found myself in the same type of relationship. He claims he has veteran PTSD. But he is also very emotionally abusive. We go for days being good because I was trying to be patient. He calls me selfish and that's the last term that comes to mind for people who know me. The other day I saw him in the library and he just yelled really loud and cursed at me. Is cursing a typical problem of PTSD Veterans?

Its been so challenging to deal with this person but i do love them and I don't know how to work through this when he is so confusing. I would love someone to answer who is a Veteran with PTSD.

I have a daughter and she loves him. I think she can sense that he is just a very hurt man inside. It feels like a no win situation.

 

[Nicolette]

The other day I saw him in the library and he just yelled really loud and cursed at me. Is cursing a typical problem of PTSD Veterans?

My husband curses a lot at times and I hate it. I really do. But I notice that a lot of his family even speak that way so it's got nothing to do with being specific to PTSD. In saying that, I know ex military people and they tend to have a loud voice from their experience as everything was yelling (just watch their drills) but again, it's a bit like turning off the work switch. The fact of the matter is, from my opinion, he has no qualms with humiliating you in public.... which to mean says no respect......

I am really thinking if I have "no expectations" from him, and accept him as he is. I won't get hurt. I can see this as an "experience" in life that I have to go through. But obviously I am here, so I am more invested in this... and scared of getting my heart crushed...

If I was you, I'd ask myself "is this how I want to live my life".....being with a man and having no expectations of him?

 

[dulcia]

In saying that, I know ex Military people and they tend to have a loud voice from their experience as everything was yelling (just watch their drills) but again, it's a bit like turning off the work switch.

And another side of this is that my combat vet doesn't like loud yelling or even loud laughing, because noise can be overwhelming/stress him out. To me, it seems like you can't always be sure what you're going to get with PTSD. Then add additional uncertainty if they've been in combat.

 

[Bigblue]

I am here again :)

After reading the forums, articles etc. I decided I wasn't at a place in my life where I could support someone with PTSD sufficiently. My partner distanced himself and dissappeared anyway.

I started dating... ahhh the world of dating. It made me miss my PTSD partner more. Still I kept at it. Dated 3 men. All of them didn't want commitment, I still decided I should move on and dated them.

2 months ago my ex with combat PTSD was hospitalized for an operation. I reached out to him. He was super nice. We texted and decided we would meet when he gets better.

2 months later we are here again. He is hot&cold. Tells me he loves me but says we are incompatible and he gets very sad when we break up. (To me he is the one distancing so I have a hard time understanding why he gets sad).

So now we are at a point, I am texting him good morning everyday, we keep it light. He still didn't ask to meet me. He did tell me he also didn't see most of his close friends for the past 2 months. He is busy with work too since he lost days when he was sick.

He is distant but kind. He returns calls but doesn't initiate... he agrees he is distant and says we will see each other soon...

I really love him and we do have lots in common. I am also not a patient person, and can lose my cool with him and argue.

Do I just keep consistency and keep contacting him? He did day he expected me to contact him and asked why I didn't? i also asked him why he didn't? (are we teenagers?)

even without being in a romantic relationship, I appreciate the fact that he is in my life... any suggestions to help him feel safe to approach me and get closer?

Thank you everyone!

 

[Snowflakes]

@Bigblue I went back and read your posts since I'm new here.

I guess the question I'd ask you is that you see the history of how this relationship goes. Since we can never change another person, are you fine with this till he decides to change?

I don't think it's your responsibility to make him feel safe to approach you and get close to you. You can only be you.

I will say this since you mentioned you are not a patient person, I have been supporting my wife for 10 years as she tries to manage her C-PTSD and doing so has repeatedly tested the limits of my patience.....and I am a very patient person. Something to consider if you're thinking long term.

My suggestion is to give him the time and space when he is isolating due to his PTSD but take care of you and see how willing he is to put forth the effort to be with you.

 

[Bigblue]

Thank you soo much @Snowflakes. One of my issues that I cannot get over is the effort he puts in to be with me. The problem is when he is distant and isolating how do supporters process this? I automatically think he is not putting the effort and don't contact him. But when we speak he says he expects me to contact him. So it becomes a conditional relationship, you do this I do that kind.

I think I am not patient. But I have twins, a lot of long time friends and overall I am patient and very understanding with people in the long term. I am just not patient within the moment, if I am able to explain myself.

So I react to his isolation and get upset, but then I know it is not about me and don't take it personally. It is just that I don't want to push myself on a person and I am one of those who let's the other one initiate in a a romantic relationship. With this one though, weeks pass before he makes an appearance.

In the meantime, thank you for suggesting taking care of myself. I really do. I also have lots of friends and have a busy life. Last time we spoke he also said he heard from mutual friends that I was doing well and out and about. He is almost upset that I go on with my life and not care about him. Ugghhh - pulling hair :)))

I do want to be with him, and I accept him as he is. But I am not sure the same holds for him. From what I am reading in the forums though there aren't many supporters who feel comfortable I think. I really feel like we get each other. We have known each other since we are 11. So we do care about one another. It's just that I am having a very hard time processing his willingness to be with me. It is almost a never ending push-pull cycle.

His actions show he is not interested in me, but then he says he is and makes a few things that convince me he is interested. He calls, talks about our issues, replies very kindly and lovingly when I contact him. Then he dissappears or doesn't initiate, I then get upset, give him space and don't initiate. We are back to where we start... And we don't speak for weeks. What is the best way to break the cycle, other than leaving the relationship?

 

[Snowflakes]

The cycle can be broken without leaving the relationship. Somehow, someway, you two have to figure it out in a way that works for the both of you.

In my case, I did reach the end of my rope and I was on the verge of leaving the relationship but I figured out to get a couples therapist in addition to my sufferers therapist and she agreed because we were not going to make it. The couples therapist has come up with a process that is getting us to the next day.

There is always hope.